All that I know is I'm breathing... now

Nope, not the birthday rant and how wonderful all things are when it's that time of year. Just a thought process tonight. A very needed process that just happens and will continue to happen since I continue my habitual habit.

I can't tell whether I pushed too hard or not enough. Did I give up the good fight, or did I just stop? I can't think sometimes. It's easier to not think. Maybe I'm just not that person. It makes me think of all my insecurites, and then i have to sigh... and just keep breathing.

I don't know whether I should keep fighting or lay back and accept what things are. Nothing ever seems to work. Sometimes I get the picture of a dog, lying beside his owner, who is no longer breathing. He just sits there, waiting patiently for his owner. But it's a lost cause. Is it sweet or is it a lost cause? I know I'm in one of those moods where everything is a deep thought, but it needs to happen so you can evaluate your life and your friendships. So I might be over analyzing, but I don't think so.

JUST CALL

Two words can change so many things. So many feelings. So many thoughts. Just so many things. Don't lie about it. Don't cover up with excuses, be straight up with me. Dont' come to my birthday with your fake gestures and your fake friendship. Don't call me unless you intend to talk to ME. I accept babysteps. I really do. Anything is good. Let's just start with the calling (cuz you've already made some progress, and I feel like I should tell you "good boy" and pat you on the head like I would my dog.) Degrading yes, but maybe it'll make sense. I wanna talk to you and tell you the biggest things in my life, but you don't wanna listen. Why? Your one of the people I'm dying to tell, but I shouldn't waste my breath. You'll just say "oh."

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My birthday is coming up. I'm more excited than ever. I love birthdays, I always have. There is usually something that always goes wrong, so I can't get my hopes up for a normal birthday, but the thought is there. i'm excited. I get to see almost all the people that I love and cherish. And the people I can't... I know they mean well and they send me their best. It works. I love my friends. I'm going to be 21, a much celebrated year with alcohol and congrats and all that fluffy stuff. It's my golden birthday too. It makes me want to be little again, where all I wanted was my sister. My twin. I have this odd feeling for her right now, something feels like it's tuggin at my heart for her. Must be that twin thing. It does happen to us, those moments where we can sense each other. I'm having one of those...

Don't get me wrong, I'm not down, i'm not heartbroken.... i'm just thinking. Thinking out loud to the people who read this, who want to know what's going on. And that's what i do. I'm an open book.... you all should know that by now. Who would want to read something taht was just a summary of my life? I wouldn't even want to write that. Journals aren't always meant for that. Good yes, it helps me with my book, but it changes.... yah know??

**The pictures are just because... I dunno.. I love them and i love watching things change (sometimes for the better, sometiems for the worse) but I guess in the end.... change is inevitable....

I will end with my usual YAY for life and I'm just glad that life is and will work itself out. And only because of One person....