Injuries and Failures

Has anyone ever noticed that when you get hurt — more than just scraping your knee or touching something too hot — you feel like you could have cancer, are definitely going to die or will never be able to move that part of your body again? Is that just me? Maybe I should Google it to get the real answers... 

Since becoming a runner, or active in general, I've noticed I have more injuries. More than I was expecting to have anyway. When I was younger, I just assumed that if you were healthy, then you were prone to less injuries. Probably a bad way to view things. In reality, working out can easily lead to rolled ankles, shin splits, torn ligaments, bumps, bruises and everything in between. And most of it is either based on using too much weight or bad form. Understandable considering most of us just hit the gym and start doing whatever workout comes to mind. That might just be a me thing too... 

But one of the major things I have noticed is that feeling of failure that goes hand in hand with injury. Somehow you've failed your body, didn't something wrong, couldn't take care of yourself properly, etc. And maybe it's the aftermath of an injury that really gets to me. The part where you aren't necessarily healed in a few days. Because then you have to live with the reality of your injury. 

The perfect post-race photo

When I had decided to run my half marathon last year, I felt that my body was ready for it. I had run six or seven miles with comfort and ease (whatever ease there is to be had when running those distances) and I was proud that I didn't feel like dying afterward. The next logical step was the half. 

Training for it was hit and miss. At that time I wasn't actively participating in "cross activities" because all I wanted to do was run. In hindsight, this might have helped me in a myriad of ways. For a while I was running the amount of miles my 10-week routine had me run. I even ran up to 10 miles and I remember this guy who as at the gym commented about how impressed he was that I had just run that far. On a treadmill. What can I say? It's easy to run inside on a flat surface with a TV screen. 

When race day came, it had it's typical highs and lows. I ran an impressive seven miles before I stopped for my first walk break. That was a new feat. Miles 7-10 were starting to feel long, mile 11 I found myself walking a bit more and mile 12 I thought that I would die running this race. I actually cried when I crossed the finish line. Not sure if it was because I was happy to be done, happy to have completed a half marathon or just happy to not be running anymore. We celebrated with brunch afterward and I took it easy. 

Unfortunately I had made a fatal error. It never crossed my mind to stretch. A race that length takes a lot out of you. There's a lot of stress put on your leg muscles. You cause a lot of friction from pounding the pavement over and over again. There are more factors but these were my issues. I could barely walk the next day. And for months afterward, I could barely run. By not stretching, my body retaliated, leaving me with tender feet and plantar fasciitis (or something very similar to it). I was devastated. 

It would have been one thing if this had lasted for a few days or two weeks at most, but instead I couldn't run for three weeks. Then I struggled to run more than a mile or so the next month. By August I could run four miles. I had signed up for a the Twin Cities 10-miler in October and I was extremely concerned if I would even have a chance at running it. Luckily I got through it with almost no pain. I made sure to stretch and felt great. Stretching made all the difference! 

TC 10-miler Media Challenge. Favorite race so far

While it sounds like it wasn't that bad of a recovery process, let me tell you that it was. It took MONTHS to feel normal again. Every time I would attempt to run and I would feel pain in my foot, I would have a full range of emotions. Sad that it still hurt. Frustrated that whatever I was doing wasn't making it better. Worried I would gain weight and lose muscle from the lack of working out. Angry that I was trying to do good to my body and still ended up hurt. I felt like a failure. So many others ran that exact same race and I'm betting they were fine the next day. And here I was, gimping along, struggling to find my normal. 

When my foot finally healed itself, I made a mental note to stretch more and stretch longer. Previously  it was like, if I have time I'll stretch, but it's not a big deal. Now it's a ritual. You run, you stretch. You work out, you stretch. It's a must. Your muscles need that stretch so it can mend itself properly. I know this now. So now when I find myself injured, I'm once again feeling at a loss. 

The funny part is, I don't even know what I did this time. I stretch. I do several different workouts each week. I try not to run too many days in a row. I hit the sauna to let my muscles relax. All these things are like 101 etiquette for taking care of myself. And injury still rears it's ugly head. I've tried to self-diagnose (we all know how well that goes) and am still not sure what the real problem is. Which brings a whole new feeling of failing. 

Find peace in the sauna. 

This round of failure is rearing it's ugly head. Instead of feeling like, what did I do wrong, now it's, am I not meant to run anymore? Am I old? What is wrong with me? And I don't have any good answers. I know that running is what I love and I hope it be able to do it for a long time. Plus, I signed up for the Edinburgh Half Marathon in May so it'd be nice to actually run it. The worry is I won't be able to do it. The struggle is real folks. And unfortunately I don't have any answers. I don't know how to not feel this way when something goes awry. I guess I just hope and pray that whatever is wrong will heal itself naturally and that all the precautions I'm taking will help it heal well. Who knows. 

And while some of you think I should take a trip to the doctor, from what I can tell, there isn't much they can do for me at this point. From talking to my fellow runners, most doctors will say to rest for six weeks and see what happens after that. Six weeks feels like a lifetime. It's brutal. So for these next few weeks I will have to hope and pray and pray some more that it'll all work out. And try not to assume that I'm dying. 

I guess what I really need to do is just stop and take a minute and be grateful. Grateful that I don't have any major health issues that would prevent me from running or even walking. Grateful that I've somehow gone from hating working out to loving it. Grateful that I've had the ability to train for races that are just for fun. Grateful to have support from so many people. In the end, it's a few weeks that I need to focus on me and what my body wants. The demons that tell you that you'll fall apart and be nothing, that this will be the new you, are wrong wrong wrong. So just stop. Take a minute. And be grateful. 

Stop and take a moment. 

For anyone who has felt this way, I'm with you. If you need to vent or complain, believe me, I'm all ears. Good luck my fellow injured runners. May we meet on the other side of injury. 

Always, 
A