Being a little girl in the early 21st century, I still believed in the fluffy, happily-ever-after, ride off into the sunset on a white stallion (or a white limo) kind of love. Cinderella, The Little Mermaid, Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast, they all taught me that even though there are trials and tribulations, you get the Prince in the end and all is well.
Well... that might not be the case. Because after all of the balloons and celebrations and festivities take place, what's left? What happens after?
My Love Story
I've written my tale on here before (read it here), or you can probably go back and re-read all of my early blogs and find all the hidden aching love posts for an unrequited love. But to make a long story short, Justin was my person at age 16. He didn't know it, but I believe I did. We dated for a year, and then he graduated and moved to Germany for a one-year program. After that, we stayed close friends. We ended up at the same college, hung out with the same friends and never really separated.
But life threw us back together and by March of 2010, we were trying out "us" again. Three short years later (okay, painfully long) he proposed, surprising me by flying home from the east coast where he was attending seminary, and nine months after that we had a fairy tale wedding at a beautiful limestone barn in southern Minnesota.
It kind of sounds like a fairy tale, doesn't it? From afar certainly. Girl meets boy, girl dates boy, boy breaks up with girl, girl and boy stay friends, boy doesn't know what love means, girl gets boy to date her again, boy proposes to girl and finally marries girl. And I can look back now and see the bigger picture, but it certainly didn't feel romantic or like the movie When Harry Met Sally, it felt more like My Best Friend's Wedding to the point that I would have to try to have him break off an engagement if it got that far. Yes, I'd be that girl.
The Ever After Part
This month will mark our four-year anniversary. We've lived an intense roller coaster, and it hasn't even been half a decade of being Mr. and Mrs. We've lived in two countries, four apartments/houses/flats, gone through two cars and a multitude of jobs. It's been exhilarating and exhausting. Days filled with adventure and laughter, and others filled with annoyance and grievances. Ever after isn't a life wrapped up in a bow. That's when the real work begins. You've chosen to meld your life with another person. And while premarital counseling can prep you for what marriage is, only life can truly show you that actuality of it. In our short four years together (but really 15 since we've been on-again-off-again), I've picked up five key traits of what marriage is about. We have found that these five traits help make a marriage strong. All are necessary. If you are missing one, then it's likely you are missing a few more. And let me tell you now, we are not perfect. We do not always make all of these factors work. We struggle. We disagree. We fight. It's natural. But we find our way back.
Marriage is About Compromise
Compromise reared it's ugly head the second we were engaged. After the thrill of the proposal wore off, reality set it. We were getting married, but he still had a year and a half of school to finish. It automatically meant that we were moving to Boston. I have never wanted to live anywhere but Minnesota, either out of comfort or fear. But there was nothing I could do about the situation. So we moved. I found myself nannying instead of pursuing writing, which made me frustrated for a while. And I missed my friends. But the compromise was, when he was done, we'd move back home.
When we moved back home, I found an amazing job. Unfortunately, he couldn't find work in his. He spent a year and a half substitute teaching in a district that lacked hope and passion. Because of this, we moved to Scotland where he started a new program and I bartended at a local pub.
We've joked that it doesn't feel like we can both be happy (job-wise) at the same time. It always feels like one of us has to make that sacrifice. And that's the compromise of marriage. Sometimes you have to give up the direction you see your life going in, to follow the direction of theirs. It's not always easy or fun. Rarely is it met with full enthusiasm on each side. However, without it, both would be in shambles.
You can't compromise on everything. It's the bigger things that need the attention. What do you want to do for work? What does he want to do for work? Where do you both want to live? Do you want to live close to family or not? How do you spend and save money? It's all these things that you have to find compromises.
Marriage is About Communication
What it does mean is that we do communicate, even if it is after the miscommunication takes place. My husband thinks different than I do. I can walk into a room and notice all the cleaning that has to happen, but he doesn't think about it, so he doesn't magically do it. I have to ask. Which annoys me because it's so glaringly obvious. How dare I have to ASK him to do things, instead of him just DOING them. It sound ridiculous as I type it.
Communication isn't a one and done situation. We sit down several times a month to try to touch base about each other's wants and needs. I need him to do these things to make me feel like he notices me and vice versa. We strategize ways to help the other feel loved. It's a ongoing process that will never end. Without it, we'd be burning in flames as I write this.
Marriage is About Trust
This one feels pretty important, and probably tied to both compromise and communication. In the end, I trust Justin knows my desires and needs. He knows where I went to live at the end of the day, what I want to do, how many kids I want, etc. etc. I know what he wants to do for work and all the dreams he has that he would like to do on the side. I know where he'd like to live, even though we both know Minnesota is it for us. So yes, moving to Boston and Scotland were situations I felt uncomfortable with. Situations I would have never put myself in if I weren't married to my husband. But I trust in him, I trust in God and I try to have that be enough. Sometimes I feel like it's all crashing down. But in reality, the ship always corrects itself. I'm never as lost and destitute as I feel in the moment.
Marriage is About Friendship
My husband and I are best friends. We've had the luxury of knowing each other for 15 years — It's a long time to get to know someone. And I find out new things about him all the time. Feels like that would be impossible, but as we age, we change. Views, likes, dislikes, they are ever-changing. And you must learn to love that change in them, as well as your own.
The difference between friendship and friendship in marriage is that you can't just end the friendship. Pick up and say, "Well that was fun, but we are too different and we can't see eye to eye on most things." You've made a covenant with this person. For richer or poorer, sickness and in health, through all the changes you encounter along the way. They are your person. Sometimes they'll make you mad. Other times, overjoyed. I run the gammut on emotions for my husband. but at the end of the day, I know I'd be lost without him.
Remember to seek out friendship with your spouse. It's easy to do life next to each other, without ever really checking in. Just like your regular friendships, you need to spend time with them to know what's going on with them.
Marriage is About Love
Saying marriage is about love might sound cliche, but, it's the truth. I'm not talking puppy love, or the way you say I love ice cream. I'm talking agape love. I'm talking about love like the way God loves his children. An unconditional sort of love. Loving your spouse feels like it needs to be chosen, not just felt. You feel the love for your spouse when you first get together, when you get engaged, and in your honeymoon phase. But what about the moments in between and in the "happily ever after" part? Yep, you need to love them in those times too. Love them when you're angry, love them when you don't feel like it. Love them anyway, at all times. It's actual work, to love someone consistently and constantly. You have to make the conscious choice.
We get to celebrate this anniversary in style by flying to Paris for five days. It'll be heaven. We're going to one of the most romantic cities in the world. And I'm excited that I get to go with him. Not every anniversary will get to be magical or filled with fun adventures. I'm sure some will consist of normal life. But I'd rather do life with him in the normal days and the days of crying babies (someday!) than with anyone else.
Always,
A
Always,
A
