Three weeks of this? Really? yay for money

Everyone is home!! Everyone is ready for a break!! And Me... this just means I'm one step closer to school =) Gah... I don't even know how to react to that thought. Not living here, going to classes, taking tests, oh wow. Overload of emotions. I guess my prayer for all of this is that I don't take it for granted. I'll only have it for so long (hopefully) and I don't wanna spend my days being mad about taking tests and studying. I wanna welcome it because it's what I wanted and God provided for a reason. Amen to that.

Life has been good. I have no complaints. My car wants to die... I'm thinking it's not really fond of cold weather and winter. Nope. I think it'd rather drive south for the winter. Too bad that's not gonna happen. But I'm gonna stay calm about it because getting frustrated doesn't do anything and I already had my frustrated day. So I'm good! Lol.

Work is work. Since when is it ever a wonderful thing? I mean I really like being a manager. I like computer stuff and dealing with money. It just takes a while to feel comfortable doing it alone. But I hope everyone thinks I'm doing a good job. Most people are listening to me, some like to fluff my feathers but I think they respect me as a manager. I'm pretty happy about all of it.

So I was supposed to watch James' house for a week, but then I found out that I wasn't going to anymore. THEN I get a call saying that they really would like me to do it and so I jumped at the oppurtunity! I mean it's great. I'm going to be in Rockford so I'm closer to my friends and I'm closer to work AND I'll have the alone time I want so I can write my book. I need to get that done! So it's just a great thing. And they are paying me! I dont' think they need to, but they insist. And let me say, it's a good sum of money. I'm quite happy abotu all of this. Besides that week my brother (yes... I have a brother! hah) is going to Peru with his wife for two weeks so he wants me to watch the house while they are gone. It shall be interesting. My only worry about that one is he lives in the basement of his mother.... and that's my dad's ex-wife. I think it might be awkward but maybe we won't bump into eachother a lot. That'd be nice.

My Christmas party is coming up! I hope everyone is coming and sorry if you don't have invitations yet. Gah... mail sometimes is difficult. But man... this is looking pretty big. Really big. So... we might be moving it to the church! Hopefully that actually works out otherwise we don't know what the heck we'll do! But I'm a planner... .it'll be all worked out.

My hair is short. Really short

I have to go to work... so I bid you all farewell and Merry Christmas!!

I conquered the LoveSac <3 <3

Yes... so it was on December 10th, 2006 that I, Amy Vergin, slept on Anna's LoveSac and did not wake up freaking out because my leg was completely numb. Yep. Don't bother asking questions. It's a strange story and well, that's basically the gist (jist?) of it. So it goes...

My weekend was FANTASTIC. I mean I had Friday and Saturday off. To top it off, I got to hang out with Sarah and it was one on one for most of it. And I've been having issues with groups and such lately so it was just really good. I hate making people feel left out and I hate ignoring them cuz most of the time, I WANT to be really close with everyone, but I don't put in a lot of effort. So then it sizzles and dies and I feel really bad. But we went to Panera and ate and talked and she met some of my managers/fellow employees. Then we ran around Target and then went to see The Holiday with Kara in Delano. It was really good. It was a nice chick flick to see because boys never let us see girly movies without making fun of them. YES boys... I like them, I watch them, and I am giggly when love happens in them, which is all the time. So leave me alone. lol. But the rest of the night was spent at Adam's talking about... well, how to talk about God and really bring our group alive again. It was really good. I enjoyed it. Now a couple of us are reading Romans:1 and are going to discuss it at a further date. Which is good. Gives me an excuse to read the bible (like I don't have an excuse now? goll..) and then we can discuss... so I can be learned in our Lord. FINALLY.

Saturday was really super early, but quite an adventure. I met Laura and Abby (from PA! I love her!) at the Mall of America because Abby had never been since she was from PA. What a perfect time to be in Minnesota, because there is the world's larget ginger bread house inside the mall. But woah, I'm jumping ahead of myself.
LAURA: So to get to the Mall I need to go North on 494 and then...
AMY: Yes, go North and then you'll just see signs. It's not hard to miss. It's probably about 20 minutes
LAURA: So North, and a bunch of signs? Okay. Easy enough
(Fast forward 10 minutes until we are supposed to meet and Laura calls again)
LAURA: Does 494 turn into 94?
AMY: Uh.. yah, why?
LAURA: Cuz I'm there... I'm in Brooklyn Center
AMY: OMG!!! I'm sorry!! YOU were saying you were going North, but I thought you mean South so I just agreed!!

Yah, pretty much I'm a flame and got them lost because when I say N or S or whatever, I never know what I'm saying, I just know the direction I need to go. SO I thought she knew where she was going. Haha. Apparently not. So that was that. But Abby LOOOVVEED the Mall and we saw the big house (The outside is way better than the inside) and we rode a ride that Abby could not believe we were on inside of a mall. We also met up with a girl named Robin who also did YWAM and rode rides with her and got breakfast and went shopping. Speaking of shopping. We were in Urban Outfitters and I was looking at this book that was cool but I decided I didn't want it. We walk out of the store and I grab the map of MOA in my hand and lo and behold, the book was with it! The alarms didn't go off or anything! I totally forgot about it. My mouth just opened relaly wide and I was like: I'm a SHOPLIFTER!!! I mean we returned it and everything but it was just scary for a second. But now I can say I've shoplifted before. Woo hay. Besides that, we just bought things.

I also went to see my manager Russ' kids on Sat. because I hadn't seen them in a while. We played for like 2 1/2 hours and then they bought me pizza. Mmmmm. It was great. The girls love me and I feel like they are siblings I never had. I mean younger siblings. I don't know how to react to little kids. It's funny.

I also went to Adam's for a while and played Don't Break the Ice and hung out and then went to Anna's!!! That was wonderful. I mean I hadn't seen Anna in a while, and Laura and Abby were sleeping over. And then Karrah actually showed up and we were all amazed. We all laughed so hard. We all just go way bad so we can talk and talk forever about things and then switch to stuff going on now, and I just know that our friendships are good. I got a little mopey cuz I seem to not know things that have recently happened to my friends which is ridiculous, but oh well. We were up till almost 3 AM. It was great. I wish I could always spend my Sat. nights doing that. Being with just the girls. It doesn't happen much, especially with those girls. Except who am I kidding. I love boys. Anyway, it was nice. And I love them all.

So as everyone knows, I'm house sitting over Christmas break for James. It's interesting. I just am confused on why I was chosen to do this job? Like his parents met me once months ago, and as for James. I mean we were talking a lot for a while, but it's def. minimal now. And he called me and the last time we talked on the phone was this summer. So it is all really bizarre and I'm not sure how to feel about this. But hey I'll do it cuz I love the house, I love the dogs, and well yah. That's about it.

Oh yah, someone is paying for my school. EEP. wow. Yikes. amen. sigh. really? woah. huh... yep. Those are the things that come out of my mouth when I speak of this. It's crazy and I can't believe it's happening. I mean it's great and yet it scares me. my worries are like one, if I can't do it on my own now, I never will be able to, and then I will be a failure and not go back next fall. But again, I think God is teaching me to be humble because it's really hard to take people's money. I feel awkward doing it. I don't know why. I wanna do it on my own, but obviously it's not possible right now. Like I MISSED a semester because I couldn't do it by myself. And the fact that I'm going this semester is a miracle. A true miracle. How the heck am I only paying $1600? What the frick? I don't know. I praise God for it though. That's that. This blog is long. Sorry.

<3>

Son of Sam in all his glory

So I am determined to make that "other" post not be the last thing I write since... well... it's sickly depressing. Heh. I talked to Sam about the issure; all is good there. Now it's just talking to Anna. Which I might avoid. Only because she has so much going on that I really don't wanna weigh her down with anything else. So... saved for another day I suppose. But I've been talked to and all things are great once more.

Now today I was on facebook and I just got invited to the Bethel Christmast Banquet and I couldn't be more excited!!! I don't know if I'm allowed to go, but if i'm going heck yes!! Then I get to go buy a pretty dress and everything!! YAY! How exciting.

Last night I went to St. Thomas last night to see my beloved Jen!! And I actually got to see Karrah cuz she met up with us. It was a lot of fun. We watched Gilmore Girls, ate Mac and Cheese and then created the christmas cards and my gift basket for Laura and Abby! We talked and laughed and then took really random pictures of me, Jen, and her stuffed lion Rory. I don't know why I love that thing so much but I do; I really do. If you are interested, there is a photo album... on facebook. Hahaha. I'm wierd.. yep.. pretty much. I wish all my Tuesdays were that eventful.

So apparently there was this guy who killed 23 people in the last eight years and was found today. So I was reading through this but was quickly distracted by this picture link thing that had all these other notorious killers. The had Ted bundy and that Darhm or something guy who like skinned people or something, and then came David Berkowitz aka Son of Sam. And then I was like huh.. wonder if he still alive. Turns out, he is. But I wanted to know more. So I found this link that gave me all this information. It's sickely interesting. I'll give it to you guys in case anyone else is curious.

http://www.crimelibrary.com/serial_killers/notorious/berkowitz/letter_1.html

Seriously.. it's good. It's kinda long, but i like it. I think someday after I've finished reading the books in my "library" I will buy one of like that or about all the famous killers. I don't mean this in a wierd way, but it is fascinating to learn about these people and all the problems they had and why they did the things they did. Anyone with me? eh? lol okay.. .that's my rant about son of sam. What a crazy fool.

You are my sweetest downfall

I know... it's like I TRY to find reasons not to be happy. I really don't. It just... I dunno.. happens?

So I spent the good part of a year building strong relationships with two wonderful people. Like I couldn't imagine life without them. And one friendship came from a break up. go figure. And the other came from me not wanting to choose a school, and just chose the only one I applied to. Now all I see is them... and not me. And it's stupid. Why was I pushed away when all I want to do is draw closer to them? Neither of them even TRY to contact me, and i'm pretty sure I try really hard with them. Okay, so I'm not getting married, and I don't have a boyfriend, do they really have to snub me for it? I've done everything I can to help with the wedding,but they don't even want my help. Yet others are asked. I mean they don't even care that I got into school that I'm happy in life right now. They couldn't care less or give me the time of day. I might as well be dead to them, cuz I doubt it'd phase them. Yes yes.. I'm in it.. sorta. Which is good. But it almost feels like i'm an obligation really. Well of course I should be in it (people say) because John and I have been friends forever... and Anna... well goll we lived with eachother for six months straight. Then I start to think what if I'm not even WANTED in the wedding anymore? I mean, you can't take that back from someone. How does one say, "hey.. um... I've been rethinking this wedding thing..." You don't. you just don't. So now they are just stuck with me. I don't get it.

As for the other one, well... she just stopped talking to me. I'm not sure what I did wrong. I'm sorry that you got what you wanted and I was left to figure it all out for myself. I'm sorry I'm not good enough for once a month.

I feel sad. I know I have other friends that I love dearly, but sometimes its just hard to lose ones you thought were gonna stay with you for at least longer than what it has been. Am I too crazy for them? Maybe. Well I'm sorry that I'm not serious enough, or I'm not a workaholic or perfect. I'm sorry i'm not loved like you guys are.

C D DD and everything in between

That's what I think of my miniature excursion (sp?) to Bethel. ahhahaah. So here is all the good news that fell upon me today:

I got to leave work early so I could meet up with miss Natalie Herringshaw to go to the Housing Office at Bethel to figure out if I can live with her and her room mates next semester. So then when I get to Natalie's room, I get the pleasure of talking with Julia and... goll Chelsea? They are funny and great. Julia will be my soon to be room mate! So Natalie and I talked to Housing and basically the girl that is leaving hasn't withdrawn yet so she wrote my name down and so basically went I get my housing stuff I'll just write the girls names down and bam, I'm in! So basically I get to live there!! Then I went to see Vicki Sanford (Transfer counselor woman...) And we hugged and laughed and talked and she told me that when we get the housing stuff she'll call me and fill it out for me so I don't have to do it! Isn't that awesome? I mean woah, she's doing all the hard work for me! Then I got to go back to Nat's dorm and we just talked about relationships. It was nice to have that bonding moment with her. Then her room mates came back, we had some laughs, talked about the strangest of things and then I went to get my total price for bethel next semester. This is the best part of it all. So I had to sign up for my monthly payment plan today and after entering the price for the semester minus my grants and scholarships (yes.. I got a Faculty Academic Scholarship! I didn't even notice that!!) and the subsidized and unsubsidized stafford loans, I owe $1700 or so!!!! I mean dude, it's awesome. So I made my first payment to my school!! AHHHHH!!!1 It's time to get excited cuz this means I'm going. Everything is working out! I GET TO GO TO SCHOOL! YIPEEEE!!!!!!

Okay, I'm done. Sorry. I'm just a litle...er... ecstatic!!!

Other news, something big happened, and it's kinda wierd that it didn't go exactly as I planned. Of course I'm not gonna talk about it just yet cuz it's not mine to share, but I'll still talk about the effects it has on me. So this thing that is big was supposed to go differently, and as I was rather excited, I was also sad. This thing was going to kinda leave it's mark and as happy I was that this thing was happening, I wasn't ready to let it go. It's stupid that it didn't happen, and I have to wait a while to figure out why, but now I'm left to wonder why? What made this decision happen? Distance? Relationships? Comfort? So many questions but none to be answered just yet! ahh!! The agony a week can bring. I'm guessing comfort, or not what was remembered from before.
------> Funny thing is, No ONE knows what the heck I'm talking about and most of you are probably confused. lol. Poor soul.

Anyway, I'm also starting the planning of the infamous Christmas party!! So far my plan is the 29th of December at Adam's house. I'll have to add some helpers for this just because I wanna make sure everything works out. But yah, I figured I better start early so there is no rush rush and that people arent' forgotten. And my goodness we have a lot of friends!! I mean there are 27 people on the list right now! yikes!! But of course I love this and I'm glad it's that big!

My Tired as Anna would say

OH that's good

“Only in America - do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front of the store”

I love it. Haha. And it's sooo true. Anyway... you guys get the point. I'm ill. And no, not ill in the mind (though sometimes I wonder) but ill in the body. Pretty sure Perkins is trying to kill me. So my best advice to give at this point is one: Don't get the chicken. And two: Don't go to Perkins. Hahaaha. Seriously though I did get food posioning and it was pretty bad. (If you want details i'll gladly share with you. Just not here) But the funny part in all of this is: On Friday I weighed about 142 lbs. Now here I sit Sunday morning at 132 lbs. Heck yes. Maybe feeling like your dying is relaly worth it. But of course it's prob. just water weight or osmething cuz I don't feel like I look different. Bah. Well it was nice while it lasted.

Oh and is it sad to say I miss my friends already? I mean heck, I spent my SATURDAY dying on the couch. I'd rather be working then be in that same position again. I just wanted to play and watch movies and eat junk food and laugh. But no I had to be ill. But the good news is everyone will be home in a couple of days again because it is THANKSGIVING BREAK!! YAY!!! I'm really really excited about that. I mean yah, thanksgiving to me isn't all that good, but there are soo many days to see friends!! Of course now that I'm a manager I have to work more... and I don't know how I feel about that. Sigh. But I was thinking maybe I could let them give me a schedule of Sunday to Thursday. I could do like sunday and monday mornings and then close tuesday wednesday thursday. I doubt they'll let me do that but one can only hope. Cuz I mean I don't start school until January, so I still have plenty of time to work 40 hrs a week. Let's just hope they go for that. Anyway....

I've been writing more in my book again. And I'm getting really excited. I mean in the "Week" that I'm writing in right now, I have to write about the wake and the funeral and then the end, and I'm done with that! Then I believe I have a couple month gap between the week and the rest of the book so I'm really excited. I mean yah it's not perfect and I'm sure I've weaved in and out with the past/present tense on things, and it just totally needs to be edited, but hey, it's a start. I wonder how many pages it would be. I have about 160 pages. That's not too shabby. I mean by the time I'm all said and down I'll have over 200. I'm not sure what the average book contains, but for a first book, well.... let's just hope for the best. =)

Okay I'm worn out. I'm gonna go. Ciao.

As Dory would say, I speak WHALE

Work consumes me.... my writing has come to a minimal... I will update... just at the right time


So... anyone hungry? haha........ ok

Fin

A poem in the rush of things

Stop


I never wanted more than this
This was all it was meant to be
A life of broken promises, of cheating and deceit
This is the life the world was giving me
And I took it
In the spinning and twirling of this world
I danced in all its glory
Ignorance is bliss is what they say, oh it’s what they say
But I found a secret, wrapped in all of the leaves and the muck
The secret taught me the truth
Now it was my time, do I stay or do I go
Do I truly live or do I die?
In a moment all was lost, in a moment I lost control
The lies were no longer good enough, the deceit was washed away
In my life a hole was filled, a hole I didn’t know existed
When everything is taken away, what will be left?
So I come back to you now with these things to think
If ignorance is bliss, is it worth it?
Is it worth it to die instead of truly live?
Dark

Sorry for the anger

once upon a time there was a girl

this girl was a very very very happy girl

This girl was a very happy girl with a $3000 check

So she took it to the bank to cash it not only for money but all her hopes and dreams as well

But then she walked inside and the teller ripped her heart out.

She ripped it out and stabbed it over and over again

This once happy girl was screaming and crying, praying to God she'd just die

But instead God left her alive and gave her back her broken heart.

Her punishment for having hopes and dreams was to wander the world forever bitter for being selfish.

I didn't get the loan

fairy tales come true right?

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts." Winston Churchill

I mean that really says it all for me today.

Or even better. This saying is much closer to my heart than dear Winston will ever be:

". . . The race is not [always] to the swift, nor the battle to the strong. . ." [Ecclesiastes 9:11] Bible

What am I talking about? OH, the gloriousness of God and all that he does of course. It's a shame I only glorify his name in His miracles and not when I'm stuck knee deep. But He truly is everything anyone would ever need. Wow. Just take a step back from everything and stand in awe of what your life is and what it would be without Him.

All of this is because I get to go to school this spring. I got my financial aid stuff on Monday and they basically rewarded me $10,000 (that's including student employment, so i try not to count that) The semester costs like $14,920 so when I do the real math of it all, I owe $5,888 or so. Now to the amazing part. Wells Fargo offers this small dollar loan for people who don't have credit, and need to build some without a cosigner (or something to that effect) They let you take up to $3,000. The catch is in order to take that money out, I have to HAVE $3,000, which we all know I don't. So my idea was to talk to my grandparents to get them to help me. I mean they get their money back in about a week and I get my loan. So today I finally went to their house. I was so nervous, it was unbelievable. I prayed to God to calm me cuz I know I could not do it alone, and I just said this over and over and then eventually called Adam cuz I just couldn't stop panicking. But from the moment I stepped into the house, to the moment I left, I was as calm as a cucumber. I dont' know what happened. The only way to explain it was that it was a miracle from God. I feel shameful for doubting God in ANY of his plans, and not having faith in Him. So this is all good, but also an eye opener to the power of God. Now I know the math doesn't add up, I still owe $2,888. That's where the monthly installments come in. Bethel has a montly plan and that way I can work and save and it's just all coming together so nicely. I'm really happy. really really really happy. So thank you to all who prayed for me and I still need prayer while all of this paper work and technical stuff go on. Thank you all again. I love you.

Amy

Kara... seriously??

To Kara: HAHAHAHHAHHAAHHAHAHAAHAHAH you make me laugh.
No, he did not eat a pound of flour.. I said ton. But yes, there was misconception there. It wasn't straight flour. He uses it to make fish and stuff. He just uses SO much cuz he gets it everywhere. So that's for that comment. Thank you for the laugh =)

I'm 20

Two decades of my life have already happened, and I'm schocked and amazed. i'm happy and sad all at the same time. Part of me feels useless and worried about things to come. The other part knows that God will help me through all the muck and that life will be a life worth living if I follow Him. I'm down with that. I pray that this year is the start of many where I walk closer to Him than ever before, leaving behind all the things that made me unclean or unpure. I wanna leave behind the thoughts that made me feel sad, the feelings that made me feel worse, and the regret of never letting go. What I hope for is to read my bible more, and REALLY understand what it says. I hope to become part of the conversation, instead of just listening to what's going on around me. I look forward to life closer to God and I hope that I can actually put these things into action instead of just writing.

To my friends: Thank you thank you thank you and thank you. You have no idea how much it means to me that you guys brought me out for dinner. It means the world to me. It just shows me how you guys care for me and that I really have amazing friends. I love you all very much and I thank you again.

Ok, wow, I'm sorta sappy and such arent' I? hmmm.... oh well. Deal guys! As a twenty year old, i'm wise as wise can be so what I says go! haha. Just kidding. I just felt the need to be sappy. Well that's all for today.

Amy

Where'd it all go?

1 1/2 boxes of fruit snacks
2 lbs. of turkey
1/2 a jar of Old Restuarante salsa
3/4 of a bag of chips
a ton of flour
10+ slices of swiss cheese
....who knows what else.

Where did it go you ask? Ding ding ding! My father. Go figure. Who knew a man could eat so much! We got groceries TWO nights ago... and look at all he ate. I'm horrified really. I know people can eat a lot... but THAT much? I'm at a loss for words....

Just kidding, I have tons of words!! i'm leaving for Iowa tomorrow night and I think I'm excited. I haven't seen Holly in quite a while and I've never seen her apartment. It'll be nice. I mean it is our birthday and as crazy as she drives me, I've seen her on our birthday every year. It'd be wrong not to. I'll only be down until Sat. morning so it's a perfect time. Then I have Saturday to do as I desire. I wanted to do a Corn Maze/Haunted Trail, but peopel seem soo disinterested. It's stupid. i'm bummed but hey, birthday's have never been uber fantastic. Which doesnt' make sense why I like them... hmm....

teen‧ag‧er–noun
a person in his or her teens.
A person between the ages of 13 and 19; an adolescent
n : a juvenile between the onset of puberty and maturity

maturity... ha. Not ready for that one. I'm still havin a hard time figuring this all out. Twenty. Ugh. Again I know it's wierd, I mean heck, I've been an adult for about two years. But it's just the end of an era, and end of the second decade of my life really. Does no one find this appalling? ::HAND RAISED:: Age is so wierd. We spend most of our lives trying to get older, and the other half wishing we could turn back the clock. Plus, I feel unaccomplished. I'm not sure why. I mean yes there are many famous children for the things they've done by like the age of 4, and I know this is not a common thing, but still, I dunno. It's wierd. That's why I'm hoping I can really get my butt in gear to finish at least the first draft by New Year's. I just need to stay focused.

Okay, losing focus... too tired to think. I bid you all a goodnight. happy readings.

amy

Whoever said that money makes you happy was completely and ridiculously wrong

Or were they?


That is the thing to ponder this evening. Money. The dollar sign. What does it all mean? This is what the Online Etymology Dictionary had to say:

c.1290, "coinage, metal currency," from O.Fr. moneie, from L. moneta "mint, coinage," from Moneta, a title of the Roman goddess Juno, in or near whose temple money was coined; perhaps from monere "advise, warn" (see monitor), with the sense of "admonishing goddess," which is sensible, but the etymology is difficult. Extended early 19c. to include paper money. To make money "earn pay" is first attested 1457. Highwayman's threat your money or your life first attested 1841. Phrase in the money (1902) originally meant "one who finishes among the prize-winners" (in a horse race, etc.). The challenge to put (one's) money where (one's) mouth is is first recorded 1942. Moneybags "rich person" is from 1818; money-grub "one who is sordidly intent on amassing money" is from 1768.

"highwayman's threat your money or your life"... sounds about right. It's a threat that is held over us time and again. It's never ceasing. You can almost bet that it's going to be a threat to you many times in your life. I know, I've been apart of it that last four years. And the funny thing is, it doesnt' even get easier. I mean look at if you get hit. A person will hit you once unexpected, and you will wonder what the heck?? Then they'll do it again and again, and eventually, you learn. But money... you can't learn money completely. Cuz money will hit you in the face a dozen or so times, then it'll go for the stomach. It's chaos theory really (hah sorry Adam, had to) You can't peg where it's going to hit, and what it's going to cost you, literally. Like me... car dies, cell phone goes over, school loans don't pull through, dont' make enough money to pay for school monthly, etc. And I know, my problems are so insignificant to so many others who are fighting to live. I'm not trying to take pity on myself, I'm just making a point. Why did money end up controlling our lives and when did we give it the say of what happens in our lives? And another question? Has money helped more people or screwed more people over?? I mean I'm sure no one has really "calculated" the wins and losses, but I still wonder... it's a thing i'll never understand.

I'm turning 20 in two short weeks. When on earth did 16 swing by? What happen to my teenage years? Did I relaly graduate cuz it felt like a dream. Dont' worry, I have no regrets for what I've done with my life. Regrets are pointless. I love my life. But it makes yah sad sometimes. I was working last night and I was going to throw the garbage in the back. When I walked back there the radio was playing "I Can Only Imagine". Ironic huh? Only because work is where I found out about Travis and October (21st to be specific) is the sixth month marker for his death. It was all too wierd. I had to stop and try not to panic. That's what I miss. Travis. Every so often it just feels like I'm ignoring a friend. And we all know how I get, I wanna please everyone all the time. And when I say all the time, I mean "ALL THE TIME". I hate displeasing people. So when it comes to Travis, I feel like I've failed him. I mean he's dead, so I haven't really, but it feels like it anyway sometimes. I can' twait to see him again... I hope it's like how I imagined. And then I wonder if he's aged, or does he stay that way forever. And if he stays that way, will we be old or like him? How will he recognize us? Will he just know? It's all too confusing. Anyway, enough about him for today...

Just one time this month I would like a boy to notice me. Like REALLY notice me. have to take a double take, give me that extra smile, diliberately make more converstaion than needed, hold me, love me. I'm not picky, one of those will do. I think one day out of two years is reasonable. I'm not asking for months or even weeks. I'm asking for one day. There was one boy who was close, he made me feel noticed. And not like all my friends notice me, like different. How, who knows. He doesn't act any different than my friends. I'm sure you guys know what feeling i'm talking about so I won't explain it. But yah, I want that one day to be soon... so if that could be arranged, that'd be great. (haha I know that's not possible but I had to say it)

On a happier note, I get my hair done tomorrow AND I get paid. Overtime will finally pay off. Haha. Let's just hope it's REALLY worth it. I've got an expensive lifestyle. ANd I mean I hope I have enough to start a really nice savings. That'd be sweet.

No thinking - that comes later. You must write your first draft with your heart. You rewrite with your head. The first key to writing is... to write,

I got that from Zach a couple of days ago... he told me that was his favorite quote from Finding Forrester, and I'm gonna have to agree with him. I was really saddened lately about my book, thinking it's not good enough, but then Zach gave me some few pointers and that quote, and he is completely right. My book may not be publishing ready, or even finished, but it's written with the heart first especially since it's such a real thing to write about. So I say thank you to Zach for making me feel better.

So anyway, hello all once again and HAPPY OCTOBER!! THE BEST MONTH IN THE WHOLE WORLD?! Why you ask? Let's see here, there's Halloween which is always exciting, and then these people's birthdays: John, Kelly, Adam, Robbie, Karrah, Chris Bingea, Mrs. Poppler, Seward's and of course.... Mine!!! Birthdays are really great. I love them (if you can't tell) Plus, October is just gorgeous with all the changing colors, and the hay rides and the bonfires... what's not to love about October? Tell me!

I had Ali up for the weekend, and let me tell you, what an adventure we had. We did more in the last couple of days then we did when she was here for a week! Go figure. I still worked a lot but I just lost out on sleep. Oh well, i'll make up for it... well... who knows. When I'm dead. So Thursday night she came and we just watched Grey's, and then I decided to have a random outing to St. Thomas to see Jen Jen and "the rock" It was fun. We brought our camera and juice boxes and blankets. We ended up taking 40+ pictures. Woops. If you would like to view them, facebook be the place. And let me tell you... they are fantastic. So then Friday rolled around and Ali and I lounged for most of the day, and then decided to go to Ridgedale to buy stuff before Delano's Homecoming game. We ended up stopping by to see Adam at work and Justin called and decided to come with us to the game. That was fun. Always good to see him. We sat with Anna's family and watched the game (we lost) and then watched Abby cheer and dance for danceline. I REALLY liked their dance! I mean it was a little... sexual... but I mean they did it well. What the hay, I love danceline. Anyway, after that we got some Subways and went to Justin's house to watch Wondershowzin or something... wow. Just wow. That is something that scars people for life. Literally. it was so bad. I can't believe there is a second season or that it even gets air time. Now Saturday I'm gonna sum up but wow, it was an interesting night. My friend Josh is in a new band (Reaching Scarlet, check it out sometime!!) and he was playing in the cities, so Ali and I went to watch him at the Toybox off of Hiawatha. It is soooooo goood. Soo good thatI bought a shirt. They remind me of No Doubt because they have a lead singer and her voice just reminds me of her. It's really unique. After that we all went to Josh's friend's house, Molly. The band came which was good cuz I felt super awkward earlier in the evening. I mean Ali and Josh were there but they were gettin a tad.. tipsy. heh. but then I met some cool people and had a lot of laughs. I really enjoyed myself. Like really really enjoyed myself. I mean yes, there was drinking and pot, but the people were interesting. Doesnt' mean I have to follow them, but it's just ... I dunno. I was really happy Ali came up. I kinda didn't want her to at first just because I was so stressed out but she actually calmed me down. It was nice to see her again and I'm sad that she had to leave. Oh well, I'll see her again soon!

So yes, that was my weekend. Now I get to work tomorrow and then Anna and I are going to decide my future. Ha. Like yes, my car broke down, can't get a loan for anything, and I don't know what to do anymore. Anna can't give me money, so she wants to try to figure this all out, cuz this is all she can give me but it's more than enough. I love the girl to death and I can't believe she just wants to do this. Crazy crazy girl. So lets hope we figure something out thats plausible. But yes, I've rambled... must stop. HAve a wonderful week all!!

Sister in Christ,
Amy

Nothing Left to Lose

"Nothing Left To Lose"

Something's in the air tonight
The sky's alive with a burning light
You can mark my words something's about to break
And I found myself in a bitter fight
While I've held your hand through the darkest night
Don't know where you're coming from but you're coming soon
[bridge]To a kid from Oregon by way of California
All of this is more than I've ever known or seen
[chorus] Come on and we'll sing, like we were free
Push the pedal down watch the world around fly by us
Come on and we'll try, one last time
I'm off the floor one more time to find you
And here we go there's nothing left to choose
And here we go there's nothing left to lose
So I packed my car and I headed east
Where I felt your fire and a sweet release
There's a fire in these hills that's coming down
And I don't know much but I found you here
And I can not wait another year
Don't know where you're coming from but you're coming soon
[bridge]
[chorus]
I can still hear the trains out my window
From Hobart Street to here in Nashville
I can still smell the pomegranates grow
And I don't know how hard this wind will blow
Or where we'll go
[chorus]

So this is my favorite singer right now. His name is Mat Kearney in case anyone is interested. He was on Grey's Anatomy and I actually had gotten a poster of him at Sonshine Festival this past summer. It was really wierd how I heard of him. But this song, moreso the title, really speaks to me right now. Nothing left to lose, nothing left to give up, nothing left. That's how I feel right now...

Today as I was driving to work, still sick from last night (from what I don't know), my radio goes fuzzy (I'm listening to a CD), then all my meter things (speedometer, gas gage, etc.) go to 0. Then all my lights go on (seat belt light, check engine, break light, ABS, Battery light, etc.) and then of course the cars sputters and dies. An hour in a half later, my mom and I are finally getting a tow truck to tow my car to Star West. It costs $80.41 to tow it three miles, and a million billion dollars more to fix this piece of garbage.. the solution is probably not to get it fixed and just get a new one. The problem with that is I need a car fast cuz I need to work and such. I don't even know if they'll give me a loan. Then on top of that, I feel a hole in my heart giving up my car. I know it's stupid but... Travis was in that car. He sat in the passenger side. He played the "am I making you feel uncomfortable game," he helped me buy something at Dick's Foods when my mom was really mad at me. He laughed as we listened to Dashboard Confessional and John drove my car while I blindfolded him with my hands and told him where to go. This is a piece of my past that hasn't been screwed up by time (well phsycially yes, but not emotionally) It's the last memory of Travis that is fresh and alive. Now I have to say goodbye. I hate change. I hate it. I miss Travis, and now I miss my car. I don't exactly know what we're gonna do, but at any rate, I'm sad.

So besides all this car business, I talked to Bethel yesterday. I have to pay $8,600 or something for next semester, and monthly payments start in December. Payments will come to $1,600 a month. I don't think I can do that, especially since I either have to pay a lot for fixing my car, or pay a lot to get a loan for a new one. I'm sooo screwed either way. I'm in over my head, that's for sure. I'm not going down without a fight cuz then i'd be puttin up the flag way to early in the game, but it's really hard to keep fighting this hard. I'm tired yah know? Just tired. I'm trying to get scholarships, apply to a ton and see what happens, but other than that... I don't know.

So if you guys could just pray for me, pray for exactly what, I'm not sure, but just pray. I know, i feel like I'm just circling and i keep having the same problems, so I'm sorry, but yah. It can only go up from here right? right?

I didn't have to work till I was three. But after that, I never stopped.

week 1: 30hrs
week 2: 54hrs
start of new pay period... and so it goes

I'm excited to state that my paycheck will be in the $900 range (prior to taxes). I mean I work so much and it's nice to see the outcome of it, but man.... before you get paid all you wanna do is die. Lay down and die. I work two shifts in the last two days, I come early in the morning and end up closing. We just had literally seven people quit, put in their two week, stop showing up, etc. It's hectic. And then I got the manager (shift supervisor) position and I haven't started that because we are short people. I really don't want to do it but we all need to make sacrifices... right? That or I'm crazy. Haven't figure that part out yet. I did get a nice little break by seeing James the other day. He was working as well so I stopped by at close and then we talked for an hour. It's been a while since I've had the time to see him, and vice versa. It was just like a break... a break from work and home and sleep. Seriously.... James is a very cool person and I wish more people could meet him. No he's not a Christian but he's just fun and new and intersting. I think it's wonderful to have none Christian friends and I know that others agree. And I'm also thrilled because my friends come home tomorrow and Grey's Anatomy is on! Huzza! lol. I don't know why I said that... lack of sleep i sgetting to me. Oh that's right! Tomorrow is my first day off since... well... more than two weeks I would suspect. It's very exciting. I'm just so tired. I feel tired all the time. And my feet... omg I probably won't be able to walk when i'm older. They ache constantly and today I found out that the side of my foot is like bruised or sore because when the bottoms start hurting I lean on the side of my feet.... that was a bad idea. And of course all this work sucks cuz I don't have time to exercise! NOO not after I've been in the habit.... boo working. If I can't pay for school after this I will surely die. I mean that'd be complete crap. But whatever... anyways... i'm so uber distracted cuz I'm talking to peopel so i'm gonna bail. But I love you all who read this (aka sam! lol) and I'll write again soon. So yah... sorry if this seemed like a sad blog... it really wasn't.... I just got to distracted to finish my thoughts.. With that I say, peace out.

Amy

Your Famous Last Words Will Be:

"So, you're a cannibal."

What Will Your Famous Last Words Be?

tee hee

If it's such a good thing, why do I feel like crying?

Yep..... got the manager position at Panera. I should feel happy, but I feel more scared and sad if anything. haha. I'm messed up what can I say. I think it's cuz I am not supposed to be an "adult" yet, I'm not even out of my teenage years. Bah. But I was talking to Laura Koenecke and she helped me realize that it make not be the greatest thing as of now, but the whole purpose for this is to go to school, and that is something I really want. Basically she's saying I can't complain. And I agree... so with that said, I'm gonna have money to go to school!!!

Speaking of school, I went to Bethel Sunday night to go to Vespers and see Jesse and stuff. I ended up sitting with Dusty Littlefield, Jesse, Adam and Mike (I brought them) my friend Jeanna and her friend Heather. It was INSANE! I've never seen the Great Hall so packed before! And not only that but when we all started singing, wow. Just amazing. I mean I've been to Sonshine and have heard a ton of people sing at the same time, but we were all inclosed and it echoed and it was much more powerful. I was in awe the whole time. After that I followed Jeanna back to what was supposed to be "our" room. I must say, Arden Village West is cool! The floors and walls are like this wood type of thing and there's a room every couple of stairs. I liked it a lot. I also met all the other "roomies" and it was kinda awkward since I'm not their room mate anymore. I called Natalie H. afterwards and went to see her (she's directly below that room) She gave me the tour and also told me some exciting news! One of her room mates is thinking about leaving 2nd semester and she wants me to move in!! I love that she keeps offering because I would really love to live with her! We'd have so much fun together. So fingers crossed on that one. I never saw Justin but me and the boys left shortly after that since I had to be up super early the next day.

Now I've been doing some figuring out in my head (not completely accurate, but close) and I think if I pay my tuition monthly, I can make it work. Like I'd save up until school starts at the end of January. With all the money I'll save I'll be able to pay Jan., Feb., and March. I'd still need to pay for April and May but I can continue to work during those three months to save up for the other two months. That's not even including my tax returns which should be very good this year. I just have to learn to save save save! I have to make this work... I just have to. I'm also going to apply for a million scholarships and hopefully I can get one or two, which will help out. So yes, this is my life right now.. oh yah and I'm STILL waiting on my latptop! GRRR!! OH! and I have one disc left and then I'm done with first season of Lost! That's right, I'm caught up! With that I'm out!

Dang it Naters

Your Personality Profile

You are dependable, popular, and observant. Deep and thoughtful, you are prone to moodiness. In fact, your emotions tend to influence everything you do. You are unique, creative, and expressive. You don't mind waving your freak flag every once and a while. And lucky for you, most people find your weird ways charming!

The World's Shortest Personality Test

Look what you do to me.. you make me interested in these quizzy things and then I take it. Haha

Out with the old, in with the new...

Well I promise I'm much better than from the last post. I've gone through my down phase and have worked it out that I'm not so "bitter" all the time. Just remember: don't ask my about work unless I say something about it (makes me remember that instead of school, I have Panera.. ::shivers::) Other than that, I can put up with everything else. =) So I hope that'll do. Thank you for putting up with me all...

I've also learned: don't trust Jen Lunnenborg's (sp?) contact solution! OUCHIES!!! So basically I slept over at her house Saturday night and we couldn't find her regular contact solution so we just used this other stuff. The next morning she was in the bathroom and I was in her bedroom, but we were both putting in our contacts... I put mine in and a few seconds later I'm screaming "DEAR MOTHER OF GOD!!!!" And a few moment later I hear her scream "DONT PUT YOUR CONTACTS IN!!" So what happened is that I think we needed a neutralizing tablet for the solution and so the solution just made our contacts lens from hell. It felt like lava pouring into your eye, or a thousand bees slapping you, or something of the sort. It was terrible. She called into work, we went to Target and to Arby's and I was blind for a couple hours of the morning. Haha. I mean eventually we got it all worked out, but man.. your eye just closes shut like a hungry shark's jaw and all your trying to do is help your poor eye out while it's screaming, "leave me alone I can do it myself!" I tell ya... It was quite a tramatic experience.

What else is new in the life of Amy... oh! I bought a laptop! okay.. more so I used my mom's credit and now I have to pay $27.00 a month for it. But hey, it works for me! I want one now and don't have to wait... and I bought books and movies and music! So I got Life of Pi and But Inside I'm Screaming and Life of Pi... wow, good read. I suggest it all to you. It's funny and very entertaining.. I'm learning a lto of stuff by it which is cool. So yes, READ PEOPLE! haha

Now of course boys.. I'm frusturated, but also a girl, which makes me crazy. And it's so true to. Like James.. cool guy, really like to hang out with him, but when he doesnt' return texts or call me I worry like oh am I being annoying? does he even wanna be my friend? and stuff like that which sounds crazy especially when you say it out loud, but honestly, most girls think these things when this stuff happens. We will drive ourselves up the wall just to understand what's going on. And i'm trying really hard not to do that anymore. It's stupid. So now I'm just trying to figure out where James and I are... since most of my friends are gone during the week (I knwo there is Adam, Mike, Sarah, Rachel, Lee, Zach for now, etc. but I dont' see them a lot) I would just like to have James as another person to add to this list. I dunno.. i'm crazy. I think I'm just tired... really tired of being in the same place. I've been single since 2004.. and oh look, it's 2006.. SAD! I'm not going out of my way to meet someone, but it'd be nice yah know? Just someone to be there. Goll I'm sappy at night...

Well, I'll bring up work now. I'm supposed to have a meeting with the District Manager of Panera sometime in the next two weeks and I'm really nervous. I don't know how on earth I will be a good manager. I don't know how to boss people around, and I think the employees know that. I don't wanna be the bad guy. I've spent my whole life trying not to be that person. But it's like if I don't get this job, I don't go to school. Plain and simple. So a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. So pray for me because I really need this!!

Okay, i'm out... I'm tired. I love you all

Sister in Christ,
Amy




P.S.- side "pomies" and cuddling rule... and of course Jen

I've had better

Tomorrow I get to sit back and watch my friends dissapate. Or however you spell it. Yep... every last one of em. I don't know what's harder, watching them go or watching them come back and talk about where they've been. I will stay here... and do nothing great. If you guys can't tell, my heart has been uneasy for the last couple of weeks and I can't seem to shake this terrible feeling that I'm failing. I know for now it's only a semester that I'm taking off, but it just gets worse and worse everyday. So okay, I can't go to school cuz I can't get the money.. suck. I have to start working full time at Panera which I'm still not sure I'm going to actually get the manager position.. suck once again. My medical insurance is gone because i'm not in school.. suck. All my friends are leaving me... suck. My car insurance will go up cuz I am no longer in school and cannot receive "good student" discount.. suck. Any time I have a chance to save money, something happens (dentist, car, gas, bills) so I am not able to save anything... suck. Zach read a piece of my book and had nothing to say... suck. I have no computer to write the rest of my crappy ass book on.. suck. The boy I liked basically stopped talking to me..suck. I have to keep dealing with all these people who think i'm going to Bethel and so I have to explain to them how I'm not going... suck. So lets see here, I've raked in 10 "sucks" in the last three weeks. At this rate I'll die of stress. At this point in my life I feel that I wish I could lay down and never wake up. No no, don't think kill myself, I could never do that, but let god take me. Heh. Morbid I know, and I don't want it to come off that way either, I dunno. It's hard. Everyone wants to understand but they can't and never will. i'm tired of hearing that God has a plan. Just for all of you out there:

I ALREADY KNOW THAT

no one seems to get that. It doesnt' matter though. I'm too broken right now to really care. Everytime I think I'll be okay, someone else finds out that I am one of "them" who do not go back rightaway. yah sure, lots of people do it, but this is just another thing that people dont' understand about me. Just picture this: you've had this dream in yoru mind for such a long time and so far it has gone basically to plan, and all of a sudden it is ripped out from under you and you are left to deal. Who is going to handle that well? Amazing people, and believe me I do not fall under this category. I think everything is just harder right now because NOTHING is going right. Nothing. oh, and I get the constant joy of dealing with people who just don't wanna go to school and are all upset about it (not just you Nate, don't worry) It's breaking my heart to hear it. Don't go if you don't wanna go. But take advantage of it cuz soon you won't be saying "I dont' wanna go back to school" you'll be saying "I don't wanna go back to work". So take the oppurtunity you have no cuz you will never have it again people. For all our sakes, appreciate it please. With that I will say that I've had some good times with my friends this summer and I'm glad that everyone was able to be there for eachother, through the good and the bad. It's been one hell of a roller coaster ride guys. I love you all for it.


Summer Moment: this is me and Karrah cheering on Melissa a tthe Aquitennial Coronation with the Cambridge ladies, Jessica and Jennifer. We got to get all dressed up in something OTHER than royalty stuff so it was a nice change.

grr.. it never shows up!

It seems my post doesn't show up unless I make yet another random post about nothing. so here


Me and the ladies on a really nice boat at Sailor's World! *thanks josh!*

I seem so far from where I was going

Current mood: distressed

So it goes.... oh Kurt Vonnegut, you'll never leave my mind.

I thought I knew where my life was going.. unfortunately I don't think that's true anymore. Maybe I tried to take my life in my own hands... I want to go to Bethel, be a journalist, get my book published. maybe it was all my fault really. The loans are not coming. I can't ask people from my work to be my co-signer. Turns out if they got angry about it, they could tell my work and I'd get fired. Can't do that cuz I need insurance since I probably won't be going to school. My book has not been touched in months cuz I don't have time or something to write it on. I'm trying to give it to God, but here I sit on August 7th, still with no word on anything. The whole thing is going along (roomates contacted, parking permit in the works, housing lease, on campus job oppurtunity) yet it's almost all a shame, a cloak of lies. Everyone knows I'm going... everyone except me. On top of the frustration, I've fallen for someone I can't have once again. Oh no no, stupidity did not stop with Justin. That's where it began. Can't have justin.. took me TWO years to understand that and finally be okay with that... we're finally really good friends which is a plus there, but then I move to Graham.. who has a girlfriend and does things that I disprove of. Things like smoking and drinking. Hey wait! Wasn't I trying to NOT get together with someone like that? Heh plan backfired. So then of course now there is new boy... who is single (on the right track) but drinks occasionally (that's how my dad started) and still is heartbroken. I just hurt my heart over and over again. So here I sit, broken, currently sick, and sad. How do I manage? I thought I was guarding my heart, but no... I was just FLINGING it at people with a surprise attack, expecting people to catch it. good choice amy. Oh, did I mention Travis' cross was taken down on 116? I feel we're all moving on from him... acting, slowly acting, that he was never here. I miss him more than anything lately, and I just wish I could start over. I know I can't, but I wish I could. Is it so hard to keep a memory alive? Apprantely. I mean I'm really happy cuz Zach is coming home soon, and I get to see Laura (if my funds quit screwing me over) and Ali is coming back up, but it's like, c'mon. See the irony of it all too is that I want to go to school soo bad, with a passion I don't think a lot of my friends even realize, yet I can't. Then I have a good amount of friends who don't want to go, but have all the funds at their fingertips to go with. Where is the logic? I know my life isn't as bad as it could be, at least I got to go one year right? It's just... it's so in me to learn, I may not be smart like Justin, but I want to learn just as much as he does. I want to know, so my writing isn't childish and I can make myself sound so wonderful like all the authors I read. Am I asking so much? Who knows. For those of you who tell me not to worry, let's see you not worry. I'm not asking for advice here, I'm speaking my mind that has not said much lately. so that's me today... and all I can say is so it goes...

not right

Seeing if my post shows up cuz my other one didn't... i'm confused

Time for an update!

hello all!! I know... it's crazy. It's already MID JUNE and here I sit without an entry for months now. I did warn you all that I would not write much in the summer, too much going on and not enough time. So we'll see what I can do.

Everyone's been back from school at least three weeks now and it's been a blast; just like old times. Justin, Nate, and I have been playing a lot of Settlers, and we've also been watching Lost (they watched like 20 episodes without me!) and tubing and just having fun. I really love being home and being with all of them again. As of now I'm still attempting to attend Bethel. There are money issues (when are there not?) but I've totally given it up to God becuase I worried all last summer for the same reason and this year I won't let it do that to me. My princess duties have not been too terribly bad. We actually do not have any canidates this year so as sad as that is, it kind of makes me life a little bit easier. Oh, I got my hair colored! It's a darker brown and I got it down professionally so the color wouldn't fade so fast. I LOVE IT! It's just what I wanted.

Over Memorial Day I had a small parade in Delano and Graham and Ashley came! *Graham is this boy at my work that I've been flirting with.... the one with the girlfriend...heh* It was awesome to see them cuz that's like the first time friends from work came to see me DO something. Don't worry all, Graham and I are JUST friends, nothing more nothing less. Later that day I was at the beach with Holly and Naters (haaha) and we went on a paddleboat ride and then Marlise came and we went to Panera and goofed off with James and Graham. Then we went back to the beach, swam around, watched Nate get attacked by several little children and then ended up at her house. I got so incredibly burnt, it was funny. Speaking of Marlise, we have gotten really close this summer. Like ever since she has been back, we have been hanging out like crazy and bonding really well. I don't know what has caused the change, but I really like it. We just seem to relate in so many levels. It's really nice.

Sooo... I actually just got back from a week road trip with Laura Koenecke to Washington D.C.!! How exciting is that!?! The whole idea started a couple of weeks ago when she asked if I would want to go on a road trip. I was hesitant at first because I had princess stuff I had to do, but we planned it out so I would only miss a few things. Then one weekend when she was home (same weeked as Jake Barne's goodbye party and I worked like 12-hr shifts!) we just bought the plane ticket! Now you must be confused since I said roadtrip and plane ticket. Well Laura flew me down to Nebraska and then we left from there and went through Iowa (world's largest truck stop) Illinois (2 hr. stop and go traffic at 11 PM!) Indiana (creepy town of Gary and scary hotel) Ohio (Turnpikes and expensive tolls) Pennsylvania (her friend Abby from YWAM was having a bridal shower and we stayed there for four days) and then Virginia (Nicole is living there in Arlington.) The whole purpose was to go the bridal shower and to drive Nicole's car out there so she could have it. Nicole payed for the gas and one of the plane tickets, so it was a relatively cheap trip. I had sooo much fun with Laura, and we bonded a lot. And Washington D.C. was absolutely amazing. I mean... you just can't understand until you are there seeing the Lincoln memorial, the vietnam memorial, the WWII Memorial, etc. It's powerful, it really is. One of the more interesting stories is when a bird pooped on my forehead right outside of the White House! I cried and Laura took pictures. Not a happy day for me! Aye yi yi! Anyway... enough about that.

Other than that, life has been pretty normal. I work hard and I play hard and I live day to day. I probably get to see Ali soon and I'm soo excited about that! we've been trying to work dates out for a while so hopefully it'll be within the next month. So yah, since I don't want this huge long thing, I'll end it now, but I'll probably post a little more in a couple of days! Hope everyone is having a good summer!!

Sister in Christ,
Amy <3

Hmm... may be my last blog for the school year!

As I sit on my desk, I look around at... nothing. The walls have been stripped of their memories, scrubbed from the marks we've made of people's heights, and all that's left is the walls we were given. Ali's parents are coming today to move out the larger things (futon, fridge, things that won't be needed in the next week) and it's all coming to an end. I mean I'm only here until Wednesday and I'm off, never to return again. So now I must ponder over my last year. I've noticed that most of my blog was EXPLAINING what's going on, not my feelings or anything, which is sad. So... here I go on my last blog of the year!

It's been a year, quite a year. You've all heard my ups and downs with my room mate, friends, classes, drinking, etc. I dunno. It's wierd, I'm oddly calm about all of it now (minus the drinking, you've all heard me spazz. haha) I understand that this is what college is, kids rebelling. Most didn't grow up in my household. I didn't have a LOT of rules, I have no need to rebel. I also have that "gut feeling" that hits me whenever I know I'm doing something really baad. Although the year, I seemed to be bitter towards winona, always wanting to come, it's sorta not the case. The thing is, I love my friends at home more than anyone knows. Does it have to do with a loss of Travis? Maybe. But I loved these people (you all) before that happened because after switching groups of friends yearly since 4th grade, I was tired of the people I was with. Then I was introduced to everyone. And I'm blessed to have such a diverse group. Pastors, Writers, Nurses, Teachers, Film makers, Designers, etc. We're consuming the world with all are talents. It's amazing. And I think we are where God wants us. I hope you all notice this. And yes, some of us don't know what we're doing, but it'll come, I know it will.

I know a lot of people agree that their first year wasn't what we were expecting. Some want to switch. Which I am doing, I'm not sticking it out. But I do believe strongly that this first year was an eye opener, and a walk on God's path to where he's leading me (if that makes sense). My purpose for here was Ali, and others that saw me for who I was. I think Bethel is a blessing, I did not really believe I would get accepted. I prayed to God that if I am meant to go, to accept me. I know it's childish, but I didn't think it'd happen. But it did. And I still prayed, I continue to pray. I worry sometimes, but I really do feel this is where I'm supposed to be now. I'm doing my best to follow God because my decisions without him are never good. Without God I am nothing.

I've made friends here, wouldnt' seem like it the way I talk when I'm at home, but I have. Not best friends, but friends that got me through the year, especially when Anna left. That was hard. I was so used to having the past with me at school, I didn't look forward to what was following. By the grace of God I met a group of people (Josh, Danielle,Sarah, Elizabeth, Ashley, Julia, Rachael, Ali) that just really made me smile. Among those listed where the random peopel here and there that also kept me going. I will miss them. I've had some good talks with all of them, about God too, and I think those were the strongest ones.

With that, I don't think I have much else to say except for the fact that I've grown. I know now that we most grow up, but that doesnt' mean we stop being friends with one another. I've learned that sometimes you have to do what you don't want to, but in the end it's something that you're glad you did, I learned that college molds you into what you want to be, and just because something bad is happening doesn't mean you have to conform to it, I learned that we try so hard to stay in the past that we are letting the present and the future whip past us without even taking part in it. Life is short, life is precious, and we need to live it up!

I think should bid you all ado. I wish you all the best of luck with finals, and don't stress too much. one step at a time... do what you can, but don't push yourself. So you get a B instead of an A, just take it as it is guys. I love you all.

Sister in Christ
<3>

Stressful stressful night

Yikes.... that's all I'll say for now for last night. But I'll do an update on my weekend.

Friday turned out really good. I think it was really good for Knapps to have so many people come to the Candle Vigil. Plus, I got to see Hunter, Nathan, and Kenzie (Justin's little cousins). I love them to death!! It was just really good to see them. Nathan is already taller than me and he's only 11! And Hunter is talking and we played for a while. It was just wonderful. I'm glad I was there because it makes missing Travis not as hard when your with people who knew him as well. At school everyone's going through their day without that sort of weight on their shoulders. But anyway, after that, Melanie, Jen, and I went to Rainbow to get some chips and ROUNDYS pop so there would be something to munch on when we went over to Natrop's. Lately we've been doing rounds of who brings things, and it's unspoken, but it's just been cool so Adam doesn't always have to supply. It was a pretty decent sized group and we just laughed and ate, I was really giggly.... oh wait! I'm ALWAYS giggly. And the name of the pop, Roundys, wow... we got some laughs out of that stuff. All in all, it was a fun night.

Okay, so Saturaday was earrrrrlllllyyyy. I had to be at Bethel for orientation at 8:30 and for some reason, Kara and Jen wanted to come. ha. So I picked Jen up at 7:30, Kara at 7:45 and we were finally on our way to Bethel. We got there and I gave them my key to my car so when they got hungry, they could go and eat. I mean I had stuff to do from 8:30-2:00 so I didn't wanna just strand them there. Jen said the campus was really nice, which made me happy cuz... well... I love it! So first they talked to us in a group, and the guy prayed (sooo nice) and we met some people, and then we broke off into groups. In the groups we met some people, did a mini-tour of the classes, got our picture taken for our IDs, and signed up for our webmail. After that we were sent to the Advising section, where I got to be with Vicki Sanford, this amazing counselor for admissions or whatever. She helped us out in filling our stuff out for registration and she's soo bubbly and hyper, she reminds myself of me on too much caffeine. I just have a warm spot in my heart for her. haha. Luckily, Bethel sets up your first semester of classes since we haven't been assigned advisors yet, and it just works out well. I'm really excited. For lunch I sat with some really nice girls, and actually Vicki's son who is a Junior I believe. It was funny. He likes her. That's always good. Well after lunch this one girl and I decided we didn't want to go to the last part of the thing (viewing classes; I saw Justin's philosophy class earlier in the year) so we went to the campus store and then I got my complimentary fleece blanket (soo cute) and called Jen and Kara. Turns out.... they went out for Chinese... and were lost in Shoreview. So about 45 minutes later, the time I would have originally gotten out of the class, they were back. But it was okay because I got to walk around campus a bit... I just love it soo much. I really am excited to be there. AND I get phone reception everywhere. After that we went and sat at Retro's for a while and just laughed and talked and such. At 4:30, we left for Delano's Grand March to see all of our friends! Sarah and Jesse didn't know we were coming so when they saw us they got really excited!!! I have a picture of how CUTTEEEE they look and I'll put it up on here. Sarah looked just amazing, simply amazing. Jesse was very handsome as well. They just fit. It was cute. Anyway, then I drove Jen home, and brought Kara to Justin's with me, which made it really hard to actually TALK to him alone. The world/God is against me doing that, I swear. Anyway, I had Justin walk me out to my car and we talked, and although I'm awkward when I'm saying things important, I think he got the point, and it just went really well. There were things I needed to say otherwise it would have bothered me forever. So after that I was supposed to go to this royalty sleepover but I couldn't find it and no one had service, so I just went back to Rockford to Adam's bonfire. That was fun! Justin jumped over the fire, and it like licked up his back and folllowed him and then went out. It was scary, and I screamed. I always do. He's gonna kill himself someday! Wow, sorry, this is long and I'm not even done yet! Anyway, the rest of the night we made hot dogs and smores... mmmmmm.

Sunday I drove back to school with Jen. We went to this AMAZING view like a mile away, and then watched Grey's, ate pizza, and just hung out. Very non-stressful. I came back to school at like 9 in the morning, and wow, that is early! I mean okay, yesterday was a good day because this is my LAST WEEK OF CLASSES, and I was excited. Everything's coming to an end on my 1st year, and def. coming to an end to WSU for good. I can't help but freak out. And I've been doing all my homework, so by like 7 or 8 at night, I can do whatever. It's nice. But.... I was trying to burn all of my files to a CD cuz I have to return the laptop at the end of the year, and they DISAPPEARED! Adam helped me for I think right around an hour, and I just freaked out. Finally we downloaded this program to find them, and then I got the access code and saved them onto my computer once more. I think we got them all, but I can't be too sure. who cares, I got the important stuff. It was really scary and really stressful. I don't know what I would have done. Thank goodness for Adam! THANK YOU!! (I've said that like 20 times) So here I sit, on my last Tuesday, and I'm sick. But oh well! I don't care! I should goo..... get dressed, go to class, that sort of thing. Haha. See you all soon!

Sister in Christ,
Amy <3>
See.... cute!!! Her dress is just.... well.... there are no words.

April 21, the day we won't forget

It snuck up on us, we are all busy with something else, school, homework, work, families, everything else. Then you wake up one fateful day, and there it is, standing right in your face. It is the day that Travis Knapp left us. Three years to the day. Wow. What a statement. THREE years. I can't believe those words, cuz I could have sworn just yesterday I was talking to him online. Hmm... Thank God for well.... God. Otherwise this would be the hardest day of my life. But with God, I see things clearly. I know that Travis isn't here on this earth, suffering with us all from the persecutions we will recieve throughout our lifetime. And the other plus is I will see him again, maybe not in the way I think, but it will happen. I talked to a friend of mine who calls it a wound and they don't wanna pick at the scab. I see it as a wonderful rememberance of a very very good friend of mine. He's still apart of my life, although he is not here. He's part of my life because the Knapps are apart of my life. I love them.

So today, for all of you, I pray. I pray for the ones that will hurt, for the ones that will cry, and for his parents especially. I pray for Justin too. Rest in peace my dear friend Travis. Have a good day all.
What an amazing view... yep, found it on the internet! haha..


Sister in Christ,
<3>

Trials and Tribulations

MIRACLE OF GOD

A tiny cloud with an incurable disease slowly floats in the evening air. Its poison stirs inside the walls of the soft creation of God, it’s trying to break freeWhen it has found the perfect place, the perfect soul to relinquish its venom, it releases. Down, down, down the poison falls, racing each other droplet to the earth.At first sight, it appears harmful, full of wrath and fury, so we flee. The thunder and lightening, the wind and the rain, it all mixes together for a horrible feeling,But when you think you cannot handle much more, it dissipates into nothing.The ground has soaked up all the rain, the clouds have dispersed, the world is left to a moist summer’s day. So you pick up where you left off, with a smile on your face, thanking God for the tribulation that made everything else seem so breathtaking

I just wrote that because that's how I feel sometimes. Something happens where we are torn up inside, and the point of it is to get through it, get through all the trials God puts in front of us. I learn that slowly, but it does come across every now and then. As for Kara, no that's not who I was talking about, but it's okay, I've made peace. Friends and life are a funny thing. They really are. I think the important thing is that in the end we all care for one another and that's all that matters. And of course we all have a deep care for God first and foremost. So at anyr rate, my "storm" has passed, haha.

Anyway, I never really wrote about the weekend, I'll do it quick cuz i have some classes to attend soon!

My weekend was full of bonfires and fun. Jake Barnes had the first one, which had a trampoline and Justin, Nate, Kara, and I jumped for what seemed like hours. Can't say I wasn't sore. Ouchies!

Good Friday was next, where we played board games at Justins, boche ball at Kelly's, and of course, church. My mom came, it was nice. Then Adam had a bonfire, and it was good as well. We all conversed and laughed, and were are silly selves. I ended up leaving early because Molly had locked her keys in her car so she needed a ride back home and back to Rockford to get the spare. I didn't mind it, it was good for us.

Saturday was an early start; 6-2 shift at Panera. I was unhappy most of the day because my manager is new and she treats me like I am too. I've been there three years so I dislike when people like her boss me around. But I need to keep in mind that she is my manager. At any rate Jen had me, Kelly, and Justin over for casidillas and then Justin, Jen, and I met up with Laura (!!!!) at a coffee shop where we just sat and talked for a while. Kelly then held the next bonfire deep in her woods so we had to wear big rainboots or whatever. It twas wonderful. We also talked about our dreams, goals, etc. for the summer and I found it a very good thing. Then Laura and Robbie and Me and Lee went 4-wheelin and it was sooo mcuh fun! I just screamed and giggled and dug my face into Lee's shirt. I haven't been on one in ages.

Sunday was another early shift; 7:30-3:00, but my fav. manager and James, my friend, was working so it was good. I went to my uncle's for early dinner and returned home to go to Nick's house. It was fun and it wasn't because Justin wasn't very supportive of what I had to say. (Basically my dad is going to AA and I'm really excited cuz this is a HUGGGEE step!) But yah, I lost to John about a billion times in fooseball and lost to Justin in pool. That's okay, I still love to play anyway.

Monday I got to go to a meeting at Bethel and I love it there. Really truly love it. The woman was very nice (hugged me at the end of our meeting, and we all know I'm a hugger!!) and I got a shirt, and she just helped me with so much stuff. I'm really excited, and scared to go. I know this is where God wants me, and I'm more than happy to be there.

Now here I am, on my Wednesday morning, happy and healthy. And my class was cancelled. YAY!! =) Friday is "YOU-KNOW-WHAT" day. Yep, Travis' anniversary, but not the good kind. We are holding a candle vigil at the crash site, so hopefully you all will be there. It is a day of rememberance and I think it is important we all be ther for Joe and Debbie, and for ourselves. IT's good. Anyway, I love you all.

Sister in Christ,

Amy <3

KITTY!!! It's my new icon on the forum, and I love it oh so dearly. It's gotta make you smile. It really does. Otherwise YOU ARE BROKEN!

you've got me in a pickle

Your kidding right? You just can't be serious... and wow... i just... wow. Thanks

*Friends, HAVE to love them right?

Sorry, this blog is my frusturations in oh so few words basically cuz I'm speechless, hurt, and everything else that comes with the feelings of friends not being their normal self.

summer breeze wraps it's calming arm around me

I just can't believe the luck with the weather. Two of my friends here at school have already gotten burnt, I hope to be the third. Need some color in me! I'll keep this short and sweet.

*To comment on the last post, I'm sorry about my anger, I just worry about people's lives and yah... it's who I am... can't help it.

I went home with Ali last weekend. Good ole Burlington Wisconsin. It wasn't too bad. We went to visit my friend Josh and Milwaukee and we went to a party and we all know what college parties are. And dont' think for a moment that I drank, wouldn't that just make me the worst hyppocrite ever? Being there wasn't soo bad, met some people, laughed, etc. I do know that I can't wait for Bethel. Let's just Bethel will have me. The next day we went around Lake Geneva, where she works on boats in the summertime, and she showed me around. There are magnificent houses off the water and they were just breathtaking. I enjoyed myself that day. We spent the rest of the time sitting in Starbucks reading. It was nice to actually do some homework. Plus I really liked my book, My Year of Meats. Everyone should read it. Ruth Ozeki is who wrote it. Hope you all look into it. Then we watched a movie and on Sunday we came back. I've been kind of stressed lately with this 10 page paper looming over me, and I've been writing it for about a week and I FINALLY FINISHED last night. I then corrected it, rearranged it, and took it to our school's Writing Center where they help you with some stuff your having problems on. Thank goodness I went, seriously. I could have been considered a plagarist!!! I didn't mean to, I just cited my paraphrases wrong. That would have been very detramental to my academics! I really wasn't trying to. At any rate, it made me feel really crappy, that I could be so careless. I just hope I fixed it all. My reading for the paper is Thursday, and I'm extremely nervous. Wish me luck!

I've been missing home and friends a lot this week. It's been right around a month since I've seen them and my heart hurts. I'm really glad for some of the friends I've made as WSU but nothing beats my friends that I have so much in common with. And then of course it is springtime, and we all know what that means. LoVe Is In ThE aIr and I just can't help but want it as well. You just see it everywhere yah know? I want to hold hands, I want to look into someone's eyes and see their love for me. I want to just goof around and tackle someone, I want to lay around in the warm spring breeze and get tickled. Oh well...it's just not my time. =) Don't worry, I accept it.

I'm in love with a song, "The Fear You Won't Fall" by Joshua Radin. Mmmm, got it off an epsiode of Grey's Anatomy.

Ok, my life beckons me to hit reality, homework calls! I hope I see you all this coming weekend because that would be the most wonderous thing ever.

Sister in Christ,
Amy <3

Bananas relieve stress! who knew!?

I'm sorry guys... I haven't been writing. It's just been crazy the last couple of weeks. Honestly, like this week, it was seven articles for News Writing!! Plus all the other homework and studying and reading and such that I had for all my other classes. After all that during a day, I just dont' feel like updating this thing. Plus I'm getting super excited that Ali and I have only a month left until finals!! Then I'm free as a bird from Winona State!! So yah, anyway here's a little bit of what's been going on since I updated last.

So basically last weekend Ali came up with me to Delano and we went to Heidi Fair's baby shower and it was wonderful cuz I went with Debbie. Then we went to Adam's house and played board games and I then we got into discussions, which are always fun. It's fun to just be around everyone. And of course Justin won Monopoly, but him and Nate were duking it out for quite some time. Saturday sucked because I had a panic attack cuz my car hates me and I was just getting over emotional.... heck, I'm a girl, it's what I do! OH YAH, this was supposed to be the weekend that I went to Nebraska with Karrah to go see Laura come home from Africa, but instead of coming home on Sunday, she came home on Wed. so the plans were shot, that's why I was home.

Anyway after my total suck fest of a day, we went to the Fair's house and ate pizza and sorta talked while we watched Pirates of the Carribbean, or however you spell it! I've never really been able to spell that correctly, it's an odd word. Wow, totally on a tangent. After that we went to Schony's house and played pool, fooseball, and I almost beat THREE people against me, and Justin was on the other team! That's right, I'm just that amazing! Haha.... of course I DIDNT win, so it's not that great, but I put up a good fight. Oh yah and Nate bought this expansion thing for a game we play and Justin read through the directions and it took us over 30 minutes to just figure out the new game! it was sooo funny. Like by the time we got the game underway and ended it (with Justin winning... it's in his contract) it was about 4 AM!!! HAha... the other people who were riding with us or the driver for us were going crazy, it was funny. But I had a great time. I'm glad Ali came up because we were just able to hang out with all my friends and they all like her and she really likes them back.

Sunday well... we def. did not get up for church, what with the late night and all. We ended up having natrop change my oil (YAY) and then Nate, Adam, Ali, and I went to Panera!! MMMMM delicious. So yah... Graham was working, introduced him to Ali and stuff.... and when we were done I went in the back to say goodbye and we honestly flirted so bad. I always feel guilty later because he's taken for one, and goll.. like honestly, I always tell my self I won't be such a flirt, but there's something about him that makes me loose my mind and I get giddy and I just want to be around him all the time. He's interesting, I mean I wanna keep getting to know him cuz I find him intriguing. And the way he touches me (that sounds bad, but it isn't) is just... nice. Like he'll touch my arm, or side, or hug me ever so softly, and whatever, but he makes me happy. I'm dumb, I know. It was cute though cuz when Ali and I got back into Winona he left me a text saying it was really good to see me and such, and of course I got my goofy smile on my face. Again I say, yah know... okay, I have my good days and my bad with Justin. I'm 90% fine with being his friend, but there are always those days where your just like, goll.... I miss him. I don't know if anyone else knows what I'm talking about, and I hope you guys aren't thinking that I'm still obsessed with the boy, but if you do, oh well. So anyway, I felt like that a little bit this weekend, just a little down because he's just great, and so Graham just lifts my spirits because it's not Justin, he makes me giddy, and I know there's going to be others out there; it's a hope thing. Sorry for all who didn't wanna hear that, but again this is my journal.... so I must write. Haha.

Well this week has been super busy, I just can't believe it. I've never been this busy with school since... well.... never!!! But Ali and I always find time to go on walks, try to get a bit of exercise yah know, and I'm feeling good! It's relaxing. Thank goodeness this weekend has come because I was about to burn out! During the day yesterday Ali, Julia, and I went to La Crosse and went shopping (SOMEHOW I BOUGHT NOTHING... oh wait, I'm cheap! lol. ) It was fun. Last night I hung out with the Elizabeth, Julia, Ali, Sarah, Josh, Rachel, Danielle, Ashley, and Kirsten who is Ashley's friend. We got coffee and walked around the courtyard and went on "Tour de Winona" with Rachel (funny girl) and I just had a lot of fun. It's nice to have some friends at school. It really is. I think I'll actually be sad to leave Winona now, who knew!

Then today Ali and I did some spring cleaning and moved everything from our rooms to our cars that we won't be using for the rest of the year. We're going to take it home when we go home next. It's sooo less cluttered here now. It's nice. Then we met up in Rochester with everyone to eat dinner, and did some more shopping and then came back here and watched 40 Year Old Virgin... talk about a loooong movie, kinda dirty. Oh well. Now I'm exhausted. I really need to work on my paper. That's what Sunday is for though right? Oh yah, and i'm sorry... these journals have sucked lately. It's just me spewing off the events of my life, no real emotion. I promise I'll work on that too. Sometimes I just freak out sharing my personal stuff on the internet, it's actually not the best ideas but... this goes way faster than trying to write it in a journal. =) Anyway, I'm off to bed. I hope you all are doing very well and I miss you all like crazy! I won't see anyone till Easter! I'm growing up. Haha.

Sister in Christ,
Amy <3>
Ahhh... three generations of the Fairs. All beautiful, all talented, and all soo young! I say congratulations to Heidi for her beautiful baby Kenna Noelle.