Nothing Left to Lose

"Nothing Left To Lose"

Something's in the air tonight
The sky's alive with a burning light
You can mark my words something's about to break
And I found myself in a bitter fight
While I've held your hand through the darkest night
Don't know where you're coming from but you're coming soon
[bridge]To a kid from Oregon by way of California
All of this is more than I've ever known or seen
[chorus] Come on and we'll sing, like we were free
Push the pedal down watch the world around fly by us
Come on and we'll try, one last time
I'm off the floor one more time to find you
And here we go there's nothing left to choose
And here we go there's nothing left to lose
So I packed my car and I headed east
Where I felt your fire and a sweet release
There's a fire in these hills that's coming down
And I don't know much but I found you here
And I can not wait another year
Don't know where you're coming from but you're coming soon
[bridge]
[chorus]
I can still hear the trains out my window
From Hobart Street to here in Nashville
I can still smell the pomegranates grow
And I don't know how hard this wind will blow
Or where we'll go
[chorus]

So this is my favorite singer right now. His name is Mat Kearney in case anyone is interested. He was on Grey's Anatomy and I actually had gotten a poster of him at Sonshine Festival this past summer. It was really wierd how I heard of him. But this song, moreso the title, really speaks to me right now. Nothing left to lose, nothing left to give up, nothing left. That's how I feel right now...

Today as I was driving to work, still sick from last night (from what I don't know), my radio goes fuzzy (I'm listening to a CD), then all my meter things (speedometer, gas gage, etc.) go to 0. Then all my lights go on (seat belt light, check engine, break light, ABS, Battery light, etc.) and then of course the cars sputters and dies. An hour in a half later, my mom and I are finally getting a tow truck to tow my car to Star West. It costs $80.41 to tow it three miles, and a million billion dollars more to fix this piece of garbage.. the solution is probably not to get it fixed and just get a new one. The problem with that is I need a car fast cuz I need to work and such. I don't even know if they'll give me a loan. Then on top of that, I feel a hole in my heart giving up my car. I know it's stupid but... Travis was in that car. He sat in the passenger side. He played the "am I making you feel uncomfortable game," he helped me buy something at Dick's Foods when my mom was really mad at me. He laughed as we listened to Dashboard Confessional and John drove my car while I blindfolded him with my hands and told him where to go. This is a piece of my past that hasn't been screwed up by time (well phsycially yes, but not emotionally) It's the last memory of Travis that is fresh and alive. Now I have to say goodbye. I hate change. I hate it. I miss Travis, and now I miss my car. I don't exactly know what we're gonna do, but at any rate, I'm sad.

So besides all this car business, I talked to Bethel yesterday. I have to pay $8,600 or something for next semester, and monthly payments start in December. Payments will come to $1,600 a month. I don't think I can do that, especially since I either have to pay a lot for fixing my car, or pay a lot to get a loan for a new one. I'm sooo screwed either way. I'm in over my head, that's for sure. I'm not going down without a fight cuz then i'd be puttin up the flag way to early in the game, but it's really hard to keep fighting this hard. I'm tired yah know? Just tired. I'm trying to get scholarships, apply to a ton and see what happens, but other than that... I don't know.

So if you guys could just pray for me, pray for exactly what, I'm not sure, but just pray. I know, i feel like I'm just circling and i keep having the same problems, so I'm sorry, but yah. It can only go up from here right? right?

I didn't have to work till I was three. But after that, I never stopped.

week 1: 30hrs
week 2: 54hrs
start of new pay period... and so it goes

I'm excited to state that my paycheck will be in the $900 range (prior to taxes). I mean I work so much and it's nice to see the outcome of it, but man.... before you get paid all you wanna do is die. Lay down and die. I work two shifts in the last two days, I come early in the morning and end up closing. We just had literally seven people quit, put in their two week, stop showing up, etc. It's hectic. And then I got the manager (shift supervisor) position and I haven't started that because we are short people. I really don't want to do it but we all need to make sacrifices... right? That or I'm crazy. Haven't figure that part out yet. I did get a nice little break by seeing James the other day. He was working as well so I stopped by at close and then we talked for an hour. It's been a while since I've had the time to see him, and vice versa. It was just like a break... a break from work and home and sleep. Seriously.... James is a very cool person and I wish more people could meet him. No he's not a Christian but he's just fun and new and intersting. I think it's wonderful to have none Christian friends and I know that others agree. And I'm also thrilled because my friends come home tomorrow and Grey's Anatomy is on! Huzza! lol. I don't know why I said that... lack of sleep i sgetting to me. Oh that's right! Tomorrow is my first day off since... well... more than two weeks I would suspect. It's very exciting. I'm just so tired. I feel tired all the time. And my feet... omg I probably won't be able to walk when i'm older. They ache constantly and today I found out that the side of my foot is like bruised or sore because when the bottoms start hurting I lean on the side of my feet.... that was a bad idea. And of course all this work sucks cuz I don't have time to exercise! NOO not after I've been in the habit.... boo working. If I can't pay for school after this I will surely die. I mean that'd be complete crap. But whatever... anyways... i'm so uber distracted cuz I'm talking to peopel so i'm gonna bail. But I love you all who read this (aka sam! lol) and I'll write again soon. So yah... sorry if this seemed like a sad blog... it really wasn't.... I just got to distracted to finish my thoughts.. With that I say, peace out.

Amy

Your Famous Last Words Will Be:

"So, you're a cannibal."

What Will Your Famous Last Words Be?

tee hee

If it's such a good thing, why do I feel like crying?

Yep..... got the manager position at Panera. I should feel happy, but I feel more scared and sad if anything. haha. I'm messed up what can I say. I think it's cuz I am not supposed to be an "adult" yet, I'm not even out of my teenage years. Bah. But I was talking to Laura Koenecke and she helped me realize that it make not be the greatest thing as of now, but the whole purpose for this is to go to school, and that is something I really want. Basically she's saying I can't complain. And I agree... so with that said, I'm gonna have money to go to school!!!

Speaking of school, I went to Bethel Sunday night to go to Vespers and see Jesse and stuff. I ended up sitting with Dusty Littlefield, Jesse, Adam and Mike (I brought them) my friend Jeanna and her friend Heather. It was INSANE! I've never seen the Great Hall so packed before! And not only that but when we all started singing, wow. Just amazing. I mean I've been to Sonshine and have heard a ton of people sing at the same time, but we were all inclosed and it echoed and it was much more powerful. I was in awe the whole time. After that I followed Jeanna back to what was supposed to be "our" room. I must say, Arden Village West is cool! The floors and walls are like this wood type of thing and there's a room every couple of stairs. I liked it a lot. I also met all the other "roomies" and it was kinda awkward since I'm not their room mate anymore. I called Natalie H. afterwards and went to see her (she's directly below that room) She gave me the tour and also told me some exciting news! One of her room mates is thinking about leaving 2nd semester and she wants me to move in!! I love that she keeps offering because I would really love to live with her! We'd have so much fun together. So fingers crossed on that one. I never saw Justin but me and the boys left shortly after that since I had to be up super early the next day.

Now I've been doing some figuring out in my head (not completely accurate, but close) and I think if I pay my tuition monthly, I can make it work. Like I'd save up until school starts at the end of January. With all the money I'll save I'll be able to pay Jan., Feb., and March. I'd still need to pay for April and May but I can continue to work during those three months to save up for the other two months. That's not even including my tax returns which should be very good this year. I just have to learn to save save save! I have to make this work... I just have to. I'm also going to apply for a million scholarships and hopefully I can get one or two, which will help out. So yes, this is my life right now.. oh yah and I'm STILL waiting on my latptop! GRRR!! OH! and I have one disc left and then I'm done with first season of Lost! That's right, I'm caught up! With that I'm out!

Dang it Naters

Your Personality Profile

You are dependable, popular, and observant. Deep and thoughtful, you are prone to moodiness. In fact, your emotions tend to influence everything you do. You are unique, creative, and expressive. You don't mind waving your freak flag every once and a while. And lucky for you, most people find your weird ways charming!

The World's Shortest Personality Test

Look what you do to me.. you make me interested in these quizzy things and then I take it. Haha

Out with the old, in with the new...

Well I promise I'm much better than from the last post. I've gone through my down phase and have worked it out that I'm not so "bitter" all the time. Just remember: don't ask my about work unless I say something about it (makes me remember that instead of school, I have Panera.. ::shivers::) Other than that, I can put up with everything else. =) So I hope that'll do. Thank you for putting up with me all...

I've also learned: don't trust Jen Lunnenborg's (sp?) contact solution! OUCHIES!!! So basically I slept over at her house Saturday night and we couldn't find her regular contact solution so we just used this other stuff. The next morning she was in the bathroom and I was in her bedroom, but we were both putting in our contacts... I put mine in and a few seconds later I'm screaming "DEAR MOTHER OF GOD!!!!" And a few moment later I hear her scream "DONT PUT YOUR CONTACTS IN!!" So what happened is that I think we needed a neutralizing tablet for the solution and so the solution just made our contacts lens from hell. It felt like lava pouring into your eye, or a thousand bees slapping you, or something of the sort. It was terrible. She called into work, we went to Target and to Arby's and I was blind for a couple hours of the morning. Haha. I mean eventually we got it all worked out, but man.. your eye just closes shut like a hungry shark's jaw and all your trying to do is help your poor eye out while it's screaming, "leave me alone I can do it myself!" I tell ya... It was quite a tramatic experience.

What else is new in the life of Amy... oh! I bought a laptop! okay.. more so I used my mom's credit and now I have to pay $27.00 a month for it. But hey, it works for me! I want one now and don't have to wait... and I bought books and movies and music! So I got Life of Pi and But Inside I'm Screaming and Life of Pi... wow, good read. I suggest it all to you. It's funny and very entertaining.. I'm learning a lto of stuff by it which is cool. So yes, READ PEOPLE! haha

Now of course boys.. I'm frusturated, but also a girl, which makes me crazy. And it's so true to. Like James.. cool guy, really like to hang out with him, but when he doesnt' return texts or call me I worry like oh am I being annoying? does he even wanna be my friend? and stuff like that which sounds crazy especially when you say it out loud, but honestly, most girls think these things when this stuff happens. We will drive ourselves up the wall just to understand what's going on. And i'm trying really hard not to do that anymore. It's stupid. So now I'm just trying to figure out where James and I are... since most of my friends are gone during the week (I knwo there is Adam, Mike, Sarah, Rachel, Lee, Zach for now, etc. but I dont' see them a lot) I would just like to have James as another person to add to this list. I dunno.. i'm crazy. I think I'm just tired... really tired of being in the same place. I've been single since 2004.. and oh look, it's 2006.. SAD! I'm not going out of my way to meet someone, but it'd be nice yah know? Just someone to be there. Goll I'm sappy at night...

Well, I'll bring up work now. I'm supposed to have a meeting with the District Manager of Panera sometime in the next two weeks and I'm really nervous. I don't know how on earth I will be a good manager. I don't know how to boss people around, and I think the employees know that. I don't wanna be the bad guy. I've spent my whole life trying not to be that person. But it's like if I don't get this job, I don't go to school. Plain and simple. So a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. So pray for me because I really need this!!

Okay, i'm out... I'm tired. I love you all

Sister in Christ,
Amy




P.S.- side "pomies" and cuddling rule... and of course Jen

I've had better

Tomorrow I get to sit back and watch my friends dissapate. Or however you spell it. Yep... every last one of em. I don't know what's harder, watching them go or watching them come back and talk about where they've been. I will stay here... and do nothing great. If you guys can't tell, my heart has been uneasy for the last couple of weeks and I can't seem to shake this terrible feeling that I'm failing. I know for now it's only a semester that I'm taking off, but it just gets worse and worse everyday. So okay, I can't go to school cuz I can't get the money.. suck. I have to start working full time at Panera which I'm still not sure I'm going to actually get the manager position.. suck once again. My medical insurance is gone because i'm not in school.. suck. All my friends are leaving me... suck. My car insurance will go up cuz I am no longer in school and cannot receive "good student" discount.. suck. Any time I have a chance to save money, something happens (dentist, car, gas, bills) so I am not able to save anything... suck. Zach read a piece of my book and had nothing to say... suck. I have no computer to write the rest of my crappy ass book on.. suck. The boy I liked basically stopped talking to me..suck. I have to keep dealing with all these people who think i'm going to Bethel and so I have to explain to them how I'm not going... suck. So lets see here, I've raked in 10 "sucks" in the last three weeks. At this rate I'll die of stress. At this point in my life I feel that I wish I could lay down and never wake up. No no, don't think kill myself, I could never do that, but let god take me. Heh. Morbid I know, and I don't want it to come off that way either, I dunno. It's hard. Everyone wants to understand but they can't and never will. i'm tired of hearing that God has a plan. Just for all of you out there:

I ALREADY KNOW THAT

no one seems to get that. It doesnt' matter though. I'm too broken right now to really care. Everytime I think I'll be okay, someone else finds out that I am one of "them" who do not go back rightaway. yah sure, lots of people do it, but this is just another thing that people dont' understand about me. Just picture this: you've had this dream in yoru mind for such a long time and so far it has gone basically to plan, and all of a sudden it is ripped out from under you and you are left to deal. Who is going to handle that well? Amazing people, and believe me I do not fall under this category. I think everything is just harder right now because NOTHING is going right. Nothing. oh, and I get the constant joy of dealing with people who just don't wanna go to school and are all upset about it (not just you Nate, don't worry) It's breaking my heart to hear it. Don't go if you don't wanna go. But take advantage of it cuz soon you won't be saying "I dont' wanna go back to school" you'll be saying "I don't wanna go back to work". So take the oppurtunity you have no cuz you will never have it again people. For all our sakes, appreciate it please. With that I will say that I've had some good times with my friends this summer and I'm glad that everyone was able to be there for eachother, through the good and the bad. It's been one hell of a roller coaster ride guys. I love you all for it.


Summer Moment: this is me and Karrah cheering on Melissa a tthe Aquitennial Coronation with the Cambridge ladies, Jessica and Jennifer. We got to get all dressed up in something OTHER than royalty stuff so it was a nice change.