Falling Awake

I'm sorry... I didn't realize that my anger and bitterness was coming off so strongly. Wow. Just wow. Like you all know I've had a hard time adjusting, especially with work breathing down my back to be responsible and care more about my job than school (they don't say this but they give me those looks...) and it's just been hard to deal. I mean I haven't been in school for 8 months or so... it's a long time. It takes a while to get back in the groove. And I am truly happy to be here. I love it. I really do. I'll really try to shape up. I just didn't realize I was showing my bitterness so much. hmm... no good no good...

maybe this is why I'm not making friends as easy as I thought I would!! HAHA... dang..

they are all waiting for a cure

Today I deal with personal problems.

Today I am attacked by ideas that are not my own.

Today I feel the slap in the face of uselessness.

Today I wreckon with the Devil.

Today I cannot see God's light that usually encompasses me and protects me from evil.

Today I see my image with disgusted eyes.

Today I shed a tear for the person I am not.

Today I fear no one will ever love me.

Today I realize that my armor of God is incredibly weak by lack of knowledge of Him.

Today... oh today

"All I need is a bitter song, to make me better..."

Strengthsquest for class...

I find this to be MOSTLY right, not all the time, and not so much as I've been trying to adjust to school, but I thought this was pretty cool.

Amy Vergin

Empathy
You can sense the emotions of those around you. You can feel what they are feeling as though their feelings are your own. Intuitively, you are able to see the world through their eyes and share their perspective. You do not necessarily agree with each person's perspective. You do not necessarily feel pity for each person's predicament-this would be sympathy, not Empathy. You do not necessarily condone the choices each person makes, but you do understand. This instinctive ability to understand is powerful. You hear the unvoiced questions. You anticipate the need. Where others grapple for words, you seem to find the right words and the right tone. You help people find the right phrases to express their feelings-to themselves as well as to others. You help them give voice to their emotional life. For all these reasons other people are drawn to you.

Adaptability
You live in the moment. You don't see the future as a fixed destination. Instead, you see it as a place that you create out of the choices that you make right now. And so you discover your future one choice at a time. This doesn't mean that you don't have plans. You probably do. But this theme of Adaptability does enable you to respond willingly to the demands of the moment even if they pull you away from your plans. Unlike some, you don't resent sudden requests or unforeseen detours. You expect them. They are inevitable. Indeed, on some level you actually look forward to them. You are, at heart, a very flexible person who can stay productive when the demands of work are pulling you in many different directions at once.

Positivity
You are generous with praise, quick to smile, and always on the lookout for the positive in the situation. Some call you lighthearted. Others just wish that their glass were as full as yours seems to be. But either way, people want to be around you. Their world looks better around you because your enthusiasm is contagious. Lacking your energy and optimism, some find their world drab with repetition or, worse, heavy with pressure. You seem to find a way to lighten their spirit. You inject drama into every project. You celebrate every achievement. You find ways to make everything more exciting and more vital. Some cynics may reject your energy, but you are rarely dragged down. Your Positivity won't allow it. Somehow you can't quite escape your conviction that it is good to be alive, that work can be fun, and that no matter what the setbacks, one must never lose one's sense of humor.

Harmony--> Oh yes.... this one is soooo true
You look for areas of agreement. In your view there is little to be gained from conflict and friction, so you seek to hold them to a minimum. When you know that the people around you hold differing views, you try to find the common ground. You try to steer them away from confrontation and toward harmony. In fact, harmony is one of your guiding values. You can't quite believe how much time is wasted by people trying to impose their views on others. Wouldn't we all be more productive if we kept our opinions in check and instead looked for consensus and support? You believe we would, and you live by that belief. When others are sounding off about their goals, their claims, and their fervently held opinions, you hold your peace. When others strike out in a direction, you will willingly, in the service of harmony, modify your own objectives to merge with theirs (as long as their basic values do not clash with yours). When others start to argue about their pet theory or concept, you steer clear of the debate, preferring to talk about practical, down-to-earth matters on which you can all agree. In your view we are all in the same boat, and we need this boat to get where we are going. It is a good boat. There is no need to rock it just to show thatyou can.

Developer
You see the potential in others. Very often, in fact, potential is all you see. In your view no individual is fully formed. On the contrary, each individual is a work in progress, alive with possibilities. And you are drawn toward people for this very reason. When you interact with others, your goal is to help them experience success. You look for ways to challenge them. You devise interesting experiences that can stretch them and help them grow. And all the while you are on the lookout for the signs of growth-a new behavior learned or modified, a slight improvement in a skill, a glimpse of excellence or of "flow" where previously there were only halting steps. For you these small increments-invisible to some-are clear signs of potential being realized. These signs of growth in others are your fuel. They bring you strength and satisfaction. Over time many will seek you out for help and encouragement because on some level they know that your helpfulness is both genuine and fulfilling to you.

Hmmmm.......

I am... who I am...-GOD

I read that when I was going through one of my books for my bible class. And oh how true it is. It's just a really cool statement that explains... well... GOD! Mmmm soak it up readers, soak up every last ounce of it.

So... just watched Grey's... so for anyone who doesn't watch it (ADAM) you really should start. Yes... Lost was better... focus on the WAS. Grey has surpassed Lost by a long-shot. I just dont' undestand why someone would watch Lost but not Grey's. Yes, it may be more girly than Lost, but it's not like Gilmore Girls. There's blood and death and violence! EVERYTHING A boy looks for!! Haa... okay I'm done ranting about that. But man, I ... just wow. it's good. Sorry. It's like the only thing I watch that I really truly enjoy. I don't have much time for television anymore (which is a good thing) but when I do, that's what I watch! Good stuff peoples!

This week has been going good so far. I have been doing amazing in my Environmental Science class, and I got a 90% on my last CWC quiz. I really think i'm starting to get the hang of things. There are some gliches in my system and that's when I encounter "THE BREAKDOWNS" but hopefully i won't have one this week. And it'll be the first week that I won't have one! Fingers crossed!!! But I also have two days off this week to do homework so I think my stress level will be going down.

My weekend was good as always. I housesat with Jen on Friday and Saturday and man, what a lovely house. It's made of brick and it's just HUGE. But I think it's too spacious. It sometimes felt that it was decorated enough, but who am I to say, I don't own a house that big. How would someone fill up all that empty space? And then the boys slept over on Saturday and let me tell you, that was quite an advenure!! Justin raped Nate, Nate got hurt, I danced and went face first into the floor. it's always an adventure when we house sit. I tell yah.

Okay, that's my update!! CHEERS and SALUTATIONS!! Haha AND HAPPY MARDI GRAS! (which apparently means Fat Tuesday, go figure)

Amy

"When I came to visit you, that's when I knew that I could never have you...." 3EB

Good song I recommend it to all of you.

So I've had so many highs and lows that it's just utterly ridiculous. It really is. I've been soo spiritually picked up by God and I'm loving every moment of it. But then there is the downfall that people bring me. Like, I've felt so alone and it's been really hard to deal with. I don't have time to make new friends cuz I work five out of seven days. The only times I have that are really truly open is during chapel and lunch. But nobody goes to either of those things. Then I feel alone and get really sad. So it's just weird. I'm totally happy here, but I need more people interaction. Anyone who reads this knows that I've always been a social butterfly, I thrive on social events. I've never been in this position where I can't hang out with people all the time. It's odd to me and really hard to grasp. I know it's good for me and that I just have to learn to deal, but it's been an uphill battle. So I'm sorry if anyone experiences my weekly breakdown, but I just get so overwhelmed. But this is where I thiank God for giving me chapel and those moments throughout the day that tell me I'll live. I love Him for it. I really do. =)

After Wednesday I'll officially be working 7 hours less at work, which will help my stress level and my sleep level, and my friendship making skills. Haha. I sound like a loser. Oh I'm so excited to have three days a week off. It's gonna be magical. We'll see how it goes, I see myself cutting it down even more... haha. Oh well.... they take me for granted. Stupid Panera. Lol.

So this weekend will consist of house sitting at one point or another, going to a movie, working, homework, seeing my friend (It's his BIRTHDAY! YAY!) and sleeping with JEn! HAha... yah... I said it. ;)

So my teacher today basically gave me an incomplete on an assignment and it sucked. But oh well.... I'm talking to Anna right now, so I'm really happy. (PSsssstt.... she's getting MARRIED in 3 months and 2 days!!! YAYAYYAYAYY!!!!!!!) I'm really excited. Can yah tell?? ANywayy.... now I'm distracted... so I'll go. I love the weekend!!

Amy<3

Are you my Ishmael or are you my Issac?

I got that quote today from Chapel today. It speaks really strong to me, as does the whole message the woman gave today. What it is referring to is that we are always trying to find that someone we are supposed to marry. God has a plan for us, but as imperfect humans, we try to find our own person, because although we have faith in our Father, we feel that he needs a little help cuz he is failing at his job. So we find our so-called "Issac." Back story is that Issac was the son Sarah and Abraham in their very old age. God had told Abraham he was to have a child, but Abraham waited and waited. When he finally thought God wasn't doing what he was supposed to, he slept with Sarah's maid and who had Ishmael. So God did not let Ishmael be the heir to Abraham's estate because God was still planning on Issac takin gover when Abraham left. Anywho... so God has our Issac, but we just have to be patient. Ishmale may be something we really want, but it may not truly be our "Issac." I find this soo very true, especially in my life. It's hard to follow God's plan and be on God's time, but if we truly put our faith in him, we will be content until that day arrives!!! How exciting!

While the woman at Chapel talked about having faith in our Lord in this sense, she also meant in everyday life, and that's when it hit me. I AM GOING TO BETHEL!! I cried when I realized this. It didn't click, it wasn't hitting me. Even though I've been in classes for a week and I live in a dorm-like thing and I'm meeting all these people, I just didn't really accept it. I think I went through so many highs and lows and painfully nights that I turned myself to this numb being. I couldn't take more pain. But wow.... it hit me. And it hit me hard. I'm so thankful that I'm here, and it's because God wanted me here, I just had to learn patience and be on his time, not my own. His time is so much better than mine and if only I could open my eyes a little wider, I think I'd realize this without having to go through so much pain first. Well anyway, praise God!!

So.... life is one big track and I keep running around and around and around. I'm referring to my wake up at 8AM, have class until 3PM (minus lunch and chapel) go running for 30 minutes, work 4:30pm-11:00pm, do homework until 2 or 3AM. Sleep. Start all over agian. This is my life for the last week, and will continue being my life until.... well... I think the end of the month. Crazy eh? I'm taking it one day at a time because otherwise I'd panic. Yes, I have a lot of classes. Yes, I have a lot of reading and homework for these classes. Yes, I'm working 33hrs a week. Yes, I'm crazy. lol. But it's okay, cuz I want to be here, and I want to be challenged. I love being here. I didn't think I could love being away from home so much. Of course I miss my friends, but I would hope they all know that I love them dearly and school will not tear us apart. We are bound together forever through Christ. =)

So yah, that's me right at this very moment. Happy, somewhat healthy (I think i'm getting sick! Go figure) and enjoying life. I love you all!

Amy <3

5 shots of espresso please!!

Yes... even that did not wake me. Dang.

So after less than 24 hours of school, I had a mental breakdown. Sad eh? No so much towards school, but it was def. a factor. My classes are good, dont' get me wrong. I love being here and like Adam said, I have been fighting for this for too long to give up now. It's just that this school is way different than Winona. It's harder to say the least. And I'm fine with that, I wanna show what I can do with my mind. Haha. But... I work 30-33 hrs. a week. Last night I worked in Plymouth from 4:30-Cl and I was having problems with my contacts and eventually I had to take it out cuz my eye was so red. That slowed me down at work and I didn't get back to school until 12:30am. I just broke down. If this is what it's gonna be like, I don't know what I'm gonna do. I can't come home that late. I had homework to do and I stayed up until 3Am to at least do half of it. I was just so flustered. I don't undestand how like Justin or others are so graceful here and look like they put no effort into it. I feel like I'm gonna drown and there is nothing I can do about it. I will for sure talk to my managers and work something out cuz 33 hrs is ridiculous. But do not worry friends, I have calmed down and I found out that one of my bigger classes only meets on M and F instead of W as well. So that'll give me more time to do homework!!

What else, oh what else... I like my roomates. I only know one pretty well, and then another one I'm just getting to know, but the other two are usually pretty busy. And I've met some cool people so far and hopefully I'll get some friendships out of those. Then of course there is Dusty, Justin, Kara, Erica, Jesse, and Natalie. They are like my support group. Haha. I feel socially awkward in all of my classes right now but I'm hoping that will pass.

Hmm... well.... I think i'm gonna run. Then homework homework homework! But luckily I am going to a play tonight so I'll have a bit of relaxation tonight!

Amy <3