I like to think I know it all

Wouldn't it be nice if you did know it all? Know where you end up and who you end up with? What life will be after grades don't matter and what your kids will be like? It'd ruin the journey, sure, but it's easier to skip the journey and go to the end. I love the New Year and everything it has brought me in a short amount of time, but I feel kinda lost. An example is that I'm in a class that I love, and I'm in the class with someone I love but then again it's a struggle to find the time to compete with him. I'm not as smart as him and I don't have all the time he has to do these wonderful things. I had a test today and I completely panicked last night about it. I questioned everything about me. Am I even MEANT to be here? Or did I force myself in? It's hard to ask yourself those questions. It's just so hard when it shouldn't be. And to take a class with Justin was supposed to be fun and exciting but I feel like an annoyance to him. Almost like he wishes he wouldn't have taken it with me. It was supposed to make us closer in friendship cuz he's forced to see me everyday! But apparently that was a bad choice. I just hope it doesn't push us apart. And I hope I can get through this class without feeling worse about myself. Still the class will bring some rewards... maybe I just had a dip in the journey.

I'm also sitting here, waiting to go on another date. Nobody knew about it. I didn't feel the need to be judged (like I knew I would be). I didn't need to be questioned about his faith or the fact that we probably aren't that compatible. I didn't need to be asked if he's a good guy, or have guy friends raise an eyebrow to such an impromptu guy. He's a guy, a guy who likes me for me, and that's all that anyone can ask for right? It's not like I'm gonna have someone come waltzing in today and tell me that he loves me and can't live with the idea of me dating someone else. I can't wait anymore, I can't, and I shouldn't be expected to. So there, I dunno. I may be making a mistake, but I've always felt that you have to make your own mistakes, or your really not living. And a lot of people keep asking me if I'm toying with him cuz it doesn't sound like I like him that much. Honestly? I don't know how I feel. I think I've lost the sense of what it is to like people. What the heck does that even mean? I'm in the process of finding that out. Not in just the sense of between people, but between you and God. What are the boundaries of our love compared to his love? Can our love ever get close? Anyway, that's what is running through my head.

Tomorrow I get to go listen to the St. Paul Orchestra and I'm very thrilled. I love music, and this will be quite an experience. It'll be a long night, but i'm pumped for it! That's one of the many things I like about this school, besides the fact that it kicks my butt in everything. It makes us oh so well rounded. Lol. It does though. I get to go to art museums and plays and orchestras, all for $45! YAY!

Well I will just sum up the last couple of weeks... New Year's was great as usual. We were at Kelly's and there was broomball (and I didn't even get hurt!) and people I haven't seen in a while, and it was just such a comfortable spot to be in. My job is good even though I suck at selling things. I worked a lot over break but I saw a lot of people and did a lot of things! I even went ice skating! That was dangerous! But now I feel utterly obsessed with it and want to get better and go all the time! I didn't remember that it was so much fun. My ankles killed because they were too small, but that's just a minor detail. Other than that, nothing is really new. I should go, it's bed time and I have to be up for work tomorrow. Love you

Amy