So Long Self

OH so many things to write! And not enough time to write! Ah ha! So I'll just write what's been put on my heart for this evening.

One is the song "so long self" from Mercy Me. What a profound song. Example:

Well if I come across a little bit distant
It’s just because I am
Things just seem to feel a little bit different
You understand
Believe it or not but life is not apparently
About me anyways
But I have met the One who really is worthy
So let me say

So long self
Well it’s been fun, but I have found somebody else
So long self
There’s just no room for two
So you are gonna have to move
So long self
Don’t take this wrong but you are wrong for me farewell
Oh well, goodbye, don’t cry
So long self

Stop right there because I know what your thinking
But no we can’t be friends
And even though I know your heart is breaking
This has to end
And come to think of it the blame for all of this
Simply falls on me
For wanting something more in life than all of this

Can’t you see

So to me this sounds like powerful stuff. It's meant to be a song about you saying this to... well.... you. And I agree with this. I want to be able to say "so long!" to this earthly person that likes to be apart of me all the time. Lol. I mean heck I'm not perfect, and I know we all make mistakes, but I'm wanting to be more Christ-like. I'm wanting to be in the light more than I am in the dark. I wanna be able to come to those wonderful gates at the end and not have God turn me away because he never knew me, or should I say, I never knew him. And so I attempt to say so long to myself and we'll see how that goes.

I also think this song works for others too. As you all know, there are MANY MANY MANY issues going on right now. If you didn't know this, you'd be pretty much blind. It's kinda hard to miss. Even Justin kinda knows what's going on and we all know he is somewhat clueless on things. lol. But we do love him! Anyway! I'm tired of this angry, hostile, bitter, jealous, raging group that we've been apart of. We're all guilty of it. We have all dug our heals in, not willing to budge. But enough is enough already! I mean my goodness! we are all acting like children. How embarrassing is that? To be 21-22 and acting like 2-3 year olds??? I don't' wanna be compared to that. neither should you guys. I'm sorry things are constantly changing (they have been since Travis died) but again, it's constant. With friends, guys, i've been close to all of you at one point or another. And then I move on to someone else that I want to get to know. It's what I've always done.

And another thing. I've been stressed. Everybody knows this. There are a lot of BIG things going on in my life, whether you people want to think or not. Surgery, BIG DEAL, finding my first place on my own, BIG DEAL, friends fighting, BIG DEAL, figuring out how to be financially stable, BIG DEAL. And so forth. And if you don't think so, well then your not understanding where i'm coming from. Plus, heck I've always been a worrier! lol. I don't need people to feel bad for me, but you just have to understand why I'm on edge.

I know people have been frustrated at me, and from your side of things I can see why. Believe me I can. And believe me when I say that I'm trying to work things out. Things have been hard and everything has been happening at once. Friendship takes a little push and a little pull. Ya know? But yelling at me or saying very angry and hurtful things does not make me want to come running back to you and make it all better. It makes me wanna say that we need to grow up and act our age before i'm willing to deal with this. Or maybe it's space we need right now. Maybe everyone needs to take a step back and breath. That could be fun.

I recieved a card recently (today actually) that really spoke out about what friendship is. I have to share it because this is how it should be.

Friendship sits at a little table with cups of coffee. It listens, smiles, and always knows exactly what you mean (YES... 2 bodies 1 mind kind of thing going on here. And i'm pretty sure THAT doesn't go away) It can unexpectedly burst into loud laughter, the kinds that makes others look- but sometimes, it's kind of quiet, too. (Laughter is always awesomely amazing!) Sometimes (now here is the kicker) friendship is every single day for a week, AND THEN OTHER TIMES it eels like forever since you've connected... no matter how much time goes by, you and your friendship mean the world to me.

See what I'm saying? Great card. It truly is. Real friendship, like the one we all have together, is like that. We go through the hardest of times, we dislike each other at times, we lose our patient, laugh super hard, share the best night together, and just sit with each other. But we always love each other in the end of it. I feel that as Christians we have this unique gift, Jesus, that brings us to this who new level of friendship that others cannot have. We can connect on something that isn't just simple things. It's a bigger plan with a bigger purpose and it's the most important thing between us all. So I think we need to go to sleep tonight without anger and without hurt feelings. We need to not let the sun go down and still be angry (as Travis once to Jenny long ago). He had a good point. Well... it's a point straight out of the Bible but it's still good and I can partially credit him. Pray about it guys. we'll get through this. we always do. We can't go what we've all been through and just end everything like that.

I love you all.


Amy

Not Ideal

So I know I have to actually write something, besides this thing I'm gonna write now. I promise I'll write. I'll actually get around to it... someday.

But for now:

Saying goodbye is hard. It's never been a simple thing and I pretty much hold on to my friends and everything else around me until they die (love you travis!) or something else... But I'm feeling trapped in this spot where I'm fighting for something that's dead. Is it true friendship to stick around and make it work through "thick and thin" or is it just time to leave? I feel underappreciated and unwanted and it hurts. It stings. It just sucks. I don't ask for much. I enjoy being there for others and doing everything I can do please my wonderful friends! But I feel like it's never been returned. It might even be too late to make it work. I'm old news. I'm a has been. I've been there no matter what but I don't know if that means anything anymore. Now I'm not really going to answer the questions that will come from this blog because this is more just a beneficial thing for me. It doesn't matter who the person is because they already know who they are, and could prob. be okay with my conclusion. If they really cared, they'd be talking to me about it, but they don't. So I dunno. There's no actual removing going on here, so no worries.... but... it's time to say goodbye.


Wishing for the years past,
Amy