HoMeWoRk NeVeR KnEw ThE NaMe oF SleEp EiThEr...

Sure, I should be doing my homework. I should be diligently working on that take-home test that's due tomorrow and figuring out my final project for Media Law, Photojournalism, and Topics in Journalism. I should want to get ahead in my classes and make sure this semester goes well. But it doesn't matter. Not today, not tomorrow, and for sure not this evening. What matters are people the ones you love most, and I can't seem to get that out of my head. A friend asked me today how I deal with never putting myself first and getting hurt by the people around me. I guess I never think about it. As Grey's Anatomy said, "It's better to have people than to have nobody" and I agree with that. I'd rather cry every day and brighten someone's day then be happy. Sounds weird I know, but I just figure... life is hell. There's death and decay and brokenness and stress and financial issues, bickering parents, fighting, homework, and everything in between....don't we all need a little help sometimes? I know I feel that way sometimes, what about everyone else? I don't think God would have a problem with that other. Just because we are sinners and not meant for God's love, doesn't mean we shouldn't love each other. Just cuz we aren't accountable people doesn't mean we can't at least attempt to be the people God wants us to be... it actually means we should try to defy our sinful natures. And more than anything, I want to be what God wants me to be. He shows me so much mercy and kindness that I can't even begin to believe why he does so. I have so much doubt in myself that I can't even grasp His love. Maybe that's why I show so much to others. God's love seems untouchable and unreal that I try to show it to others physically. Is that possible? I don't know, I wish I knew, but like I said today, God won't call your cell phone... it doesn't work that way.

And I guess when it comes down to it, God's the question that's on my mind. How come I never notice His love, why do I doubt myself so much, why is it that God can speak to you and you don't believe it, or you think God speaks to you, but you are ridiculed? I know it's not easy, but can't there be some moments that help you know you are doing something right in all the wrongness? Why do I feel like He's said things to me, but feel so unsure about them? How can you not? I have something stuck with me, and I think it'll be there for quite some time. But what if it wasn't from God? what if it was my own desires? And what if it was from God but I interperated it the wrong way? I don't know what to think about stuff like that. Should I? Does anyone? Let's ponder God for a while. See what He has to say... if anything.

.... But maybe... that's the point. He shouldn't have to say anything.


Amy

~*All of my light is for you.... to bad everyone is always leaving*~

I knew this girl once. She was a quirky little thing that loved life and loved the world. Who wouldn't? I mean.... she had her very own car, a loving boyfriend, friends upon friends that loved her dearly and an artistic way of expressing herself. But not all things last. This is what the girl learned. She learned it painfully slow and tried to grasp the wall that was slowly dissolving beneath her palms. But even the will and the hope die out. There was only so much that this girl could do. This fast paced life would continue to launch her forward into the unknown, without thought or reason. And God, God of all things, knew that He had a plan for her, but His way was never really her way. This girl had to give in to Him because that was the only option. So while her life was crumbling away and blowing into the wind, leaving only small little fragments of herself to remember, God watched. Sometimes she felt alone and felt that she was suffocating from all this change. Change is everything. Change is something that must happen to everyone, and it isn't always good, and it isn't always easy, but it's there, chomping at the bit to take over. So while the boyfriend left, and then came back different, and left again, and the friends got married and moved, and the others followed Him and so forth, this girl waited behind. It was what she thought she was supposed to do. Someone had to welcome them back when they did decide to come home. But where is home these days? The girl waited and waited, yet nobody came home. In fact, not only did they not come home, but more and more decided to leave and pursue a new life. What is the girl to do? Keep fighting the change? keep waiting for them to return? Or go...

This is me. This is my life. I am that girl. I'm not the only girl, but I am that girl. I'm feeling the pull of reality and it's not a happy one. Well, it could be, but I have to be willing to let go. I don't know if I am. I don't know if I'm ready. I don't know. But.... things have got to change if I want any chance to be happy. But when? When do you just stop everything, put the brakes on, and say I'm ready? Now? In the fall when it becomes painfully obvious that my future may not be school? Or later when I graduate and really follow that inkling to go to Seattle for Grad school? Or when I just decide to leave because I've got nothing left for me here? It's too much to think about! I'm ready to be 16 again.

As I sit here, I know my life is not sad and it's not pathetic, and I certainly have not had that rough of a life. But it's still hard. And I know God is there, and I know all the answers that I'll be given to thoughts like this. I get it! No need for further explanation, it's TMI anyway. It's easy for people to leave. but not people like me. We put our life into these people that make your life. They become you're potted plant that you've grown to love and nurture. These people are my family. What's so wrong with that? God, what's wrong with that? I know this is how life goes, but I'll take the break.

Okay, that's that. That's everything off my chest. I've made plans though. I have plans, my backup plans if the people dont' come back. I don't want to have to use them, but there there. I'm already planning to run a 5K in May. My book is on it's way to being finished before the school year is out, and I'm looking into internships, as well as grad schools. This summer will not be my demise. It'll hurt, but if this is life, then I'm strapping down for the ride.

But then the girl must wonder.... what will happen if she leaves?

~*~*~*~*~*~

On a side note, I went on a roadtrip this spring break, and it was good. Not relaxing like I'd had hoped, but it was good to spend time with people that I love. Especially Justin since he's leaving in a few short months. Adios dear friends of mine. Adios.