The lack of writing is not what i had in mind. I imagined myself writing constantly while I was at work. Until I realized that I actually have to WORK when I'm working. Go figure. So it isn't right to say that I have no motivation to blog, just no time really. I think it's funny that as children, all we want to do is to grow up, get a grown up job, and do grown up things. Well, most of that is still true, but grownup jobs are difficult things to have. I am blessed, however, to be at a job that is what I exactly wanted to do. Write. Write for a magazine. Write and be paid well. And by well, I mean more than I was making on a part-time server income. In a way, I have arrived to the future I was always yearning for. Is it what i pictured? A little bit. The beauty of a dream is that it forever changes, forever is manipulated by time and life choices. So yes, in one way, I am here, doing what I love, being the person I always thought I would be (except when I doubted my ability compared to the friends I have that are so fluid and full of expressions with the human language).
This ultimately means, my dreams have been changed and altered slightly. Now I want to know what it feels like to be published as an author of a novel (which I guess has always been in my mind) or what it's like to work for a bigger magazine company. One that has a large circulation base and a few hundred workers. One that is nationally known. Who knows. I also have the dream of being a counselor through a church. I know I've mentioned that before and probably know too many blog posts ago, but it's something that I feel stirring inside of me. With the idea that Justin could quite possibly start a church, be involved in a startup church, or work for a church, I felt that, as a girlfriend (or possibly a future wife someday) it is important to share the same passions. Yah, sure, if Justin went into finance, I wouldn't work as a secretary there, and I don't need to be a part of EVERYTHING he does in life, but this is a big thing. Working in a church is not a "9-5, honey i'll be home on the weekends and we can talk about my day over dinner" type of thing. We have to be fully committed to living a different kind of lifestyle, and I knew that meant that I would have to be involved somehow. Kind of like my friend John and Anna. John is the youth pastor at a church, and Anna runs Sunday school. It's a perfect fit for her. She went to school to teach children, and that's exactly what's she's doing. I had to really think about it, and I don't think it was in one day I came to the answer I was looking for. It was something in the afterthought of my day-to-day life, and then suddenly, it dawned on me. I have a passion for people, I listen, I give advice, I share in people's emotions, and so forth. Then it came to me that when I did the test in high-school to find out what my spiritual gifts were, and a lot of them were empathy, compassion, and all those other types of emotional ones. I wasn't sure what to do with that then. Now I do. And most of it is from God. I can't say I came to this conclusion on my own, but I think God has wanted this from me way before I ever even thought about it. So I guess those are my current, up to date, dreams for the future.
I think I've had a blessed life, even with the constant struggles of life. People were unfortunately right when they said "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I am a stronger person for learning how to get student loans, paying them off myself, learning how to manage money, learning I can't afford certain things, stumbling in faith, in life, in relationships, and all the other things life throws at you. It has shaped my being down to the core, and I feel lucky to be where I am.
In other news, I should comment on why my blog entry is entitled such an odd thing. Usually blogs are entitled from the music that is in my life, but nothing came to mind that would fit perfectly. This title refers to Justin. He just got back from his cousin Melissa's wedding in New Orleans. I'm not sure if I posted this, but the two of us were originally supposed to go, but tickets to fly were upwards from $400 and driving just the two of us was also pretty expensive. So I exed it out of my plans. Then suddenly, some of his family members were driving and they had a spot open, so we both agreed he should go. I am thrilled he got to go, be with his family, and be at a great wedding with great people. I've also learned.... New Orleans is a place I think I can just "drive through" and not really stay for a while. 90 and humid and sunny everyday? No thanks. I need beaches, dry heat, and sometimes a waver in the temperature, otherwise I become a sticky monster (Ask Justin, it's a real thing). He likes to say I'm "stickified" which is an unfortunate. At any rate, I was completely fine not being in contact with my boyfriend. In all honesty life gets completely wrapped up when you have a boyfriend that is your best friend. it almost becomes standard that you are in constant contact with them. When Justin still had his job we were talking on our way to work, talking at lunch, talking on my way to bdubs, and then seeing each other at night or talking right before bed. that's a lot. Even I know that's a lot. So when he said he was leaving, I instantly scheduled up my time with people that I never see anymore. I saw so many friends! I went running! I caught up on tv shows! I finished the Hunger Games series! I mean it was insane!
I was able to talk to him Saturday for two hours, pretty much to catch up on our life since Thursday, but then I wasn't in contact with him until he came home on Wednesday. And everything was fine until Tuesday. Tuesday I went back to work, stopped having plans with people, stopped running due to some weird kink in my neck, and bam. Reality hit me. I really missed him. I didn't like being away from him. He's my best friend and I can't even tell him about my dumb day to day life. Needless to say I was desperate to see him by the time I left Bdubs that night. Of course he decides to tell me he is going back to New Orleans for a week (without telling me when or with who or why) so I then cried myself all the way to his house. Oh man. What a train wreck. Our friend Nate was there when I got there, and i'm sure he must have thought I lost my mind. I probably did for a moment. And I made Justin so sad because i was so incredibly sad. He apologize for ruining the moment because he knew how much I had missed him and how I was dying to see him. I forgave him that night, but man. Distance sucks. if he ever chooses to go to Boston... I'm not sure what i'll do. It'll be one of the hardest things to go through, that's for sure.
Alright, i've rambled on enough, but I feel this was a good one. Enjoy my friends. More to come from what is to be an amazing summer....
Always,
A
