I don't think I feel like being here anymore. Honestly, full heartedly. I feel uncomfortable, and it doesn't feel like I would INTENTIONALLY want to call this home, yah know? I have always believed that college should be your home away from home, that you should feel happy to be here. Dread is on my face when I know I have to stay here just one more weekend. And yes yes yes! I have Anna, but everytime she leaves, I know I am beckoned to be alone once more, in this hole in the wall. It's not like I don't try to make friends... I don't feel... how I feel with my friends back at home, all of you who are probably reading thing. It's strange. And Ali has her friends, and I do not want to intrude on that. I just keep thinking, what the hell am I going to do when this semester is done? When Anna is no longer here to be my friend? The thought really terrifies me. And will Bethel be better? Who knows. I don't know for sure. I don't even know if God is telling me to go. I'M SO CONFUSED I FEEL SO LOST. It sucks. If I go, I'm probably gonna make Justin uncomfortable, and if I don't go, I'll be here.... FOREVER. But it's not about Justin, and it's not about me; it's about God. But HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO HEAR HIM? I don't know when he speaks to me or if it's me telling me what I think I should hear. I don't know I don't know I don't know. I don't understand where I stand...with God, with Justin, with school. UGH!!!!!! And usually I don't talk about Justin on here just for the sole reason taht I know people read this and some things just don't need to be said. But right now, it's stressing me out. We are the weirdest two people on earth, not even near normal. It was probably the worst idea ever to even apply to Bethel. Really... what was I thinking? My mom brought up a good point about it though. Could I handle going there? Not intellegence wise, but in another light... which I won't go into. Ok, I'm done for now.... Anna is back over here, and I won't waste my time writing this. Later all.
Sister in Christ,
Amy <3
Oh, Amy, you are the joy of my life! Seriously. You mean so much to me as a friend and I love you so much. I know it's hard to equate the love of a friend with a boy, but you mean the world to me and so many other people. And I can totally empathize with almost everything you are going through. It is so scary to feel alone at college... being so far from home... and almost humiliating to feel like you have no friends at college and your real friends you only get to see... once a week. But God has you where you are NOW for a reason. You didn't mess up. He wanted you to be here this year, and I'm absolutely positive He will guide you to make the right decision about Bethel. Seriously, up until now I had a little hint of a doubt every time I prayed for something... like "I know He's probably not going to give me an answer again... but I'll pray because I'm supposed to." Oh, but it's so not true, Amy!! I wish I could show you all of my journal entries and then what God has told me and done for me. I'm not trying to rub my "success" story in your face at all-- in fact, I'm in the same situation as you and God told me to STAY. I would say I'm not exactly in the happiest-case-scenario... but I'm so happy because God is sooooooo real and He REALLY DOES care about you and you're decisions and He knows you better than anyone in the world and loves you more than the entire world combined could possibly love you and He'll HELP YOU. He'll do it for you! Pray, Amy, pray. And don't be discouraged. Just keep trusting Him. I love with you with all my heart and God loves you even more! I can't wait to see you in a few days-- along with everyone else that's coming home!
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