SELF CONSCIENCE
I'm not sure why, I just do. I think just every once in a while, no matter how great life has been for you, you just feel...ugly, fat, stupid, etc. Now I'm not saying I feel ALL these things ALL the time. I know darn well I'm not stupid, and I'm certainly nowhere near fat. But I dunoo....today is just one of those days. I'm starting to get really scared about Bethel. It just seems no matter what I have someone saying, "wow your a procrastinator, Bethel won't let you get by with that" or "you won't be slacking off at Bethel like you do here" PROCRASTINATION IS HOW I WORK! I can't help that. I know this because this is how I have learned for the last 5 years. I've been on the A Honor roll a handful of times, I think even on the Principles Honor roll once. I'm obviously not doing bad. As much as I know my own strengths and weaknesses, it never seems to fail to have someone's comment finally get to me. What if i'm not good enough? What if fail miserably? The changes are good. It's a smart school... I mean JUSTIN goes there... he was valedictorian. You can't just shrug that off. I'm still going to Bethel, I'm just starting to get that nervous feeling in my stomach. =(
Besides that bothersome thing, I feel.....ugly I guess. I'm not going to use the term "fat" cuz again, I already know I'm not. But it just is this terrible cycle of eating, feeling terrible, eating more. I used to swim here before I got sick and then it got freezing. The pool is all the way across campus, and it's just been soo bitterly cold lately that I don't have the energy to do that. And yes... there are plenty of gym centers here that I could use to my advantage. Except one teeny tiny problem. i'm self conscience!! There are parts of me that i'm not comfortable with, and feel very self conscience with like running or stuff like that. I know I shouldnt' care, but I do. You don't understand. Of course I joke about msyelf in the "upper body" regions, but some people like to use my jokes over and over again. Heh.... I feel great about myself, I tell yah.
And I'm not all bitter. Like I got a B- on my huge English paper, my bowling teaching is letting me make up a day ( I think) and I got an A- on my last quiz in my Mass Media and Society class. Today has been a pretty decent day. I can't complain. Sigh... maybe I just see way too many beautiful girls here and then see myself in the mirror and shudder. Stupid society. Heh.
Maybe tomorrow won't be so bad...
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ReplyDeleteoh amy, how many times do i have to tell you you're beautiful? just try to remember how many people love you whenever you feel bitter about things like that... so many people think the world of you. you're absolutely beautiful inside and out :D and even if you ever were fat or ugly, i would still love you and so would everyone else, so you don't even need to worry about it.
ReplyDeleteand as far as procrastination, st olaf is a harder school than bethel and MANY MANY people procrastinate here and they're doing fine. like i always thought i was a terrible procrastinator for writing my papers the night before they're due... people here write they're papers an HOUR before class. there's nothing wrong with procrastinating, as long as you get it done on time. i work better that way too... i do almost everything better when under a little pressure, and i'm doing fine. you're smart, you'll do fine, too. :D
ohhh amers!!! if only you knew!! i should have told you this before but everytime i show my sister pics from college and you're in them she always tells me how cute you are!! she's even asked about you a couple times!! so half of the sweet things that are said about you dont even get back to the person, unfortunately. cuz we all need pick me ups i know i always get to the point where im like I BETTER GET A DAMN COMPLIMENT SOON CUZ MY SELF CONFIDENCE IS GOING DOWN THE GUTTER!!!! and i think being a little scared for bethel is good, it will make you work harder :) procrastination is everywhere and is human nature. i dont think it will bring you down, you get it done anyway so who cares when you start?? you will do awesome in Bethel, i know it, i think you will really find yourself there it seems like a good fit!! i love ya amers!!!
ReplyDeleteAmy, you're a sweet girl...to some people. All of your friends (well, MOST of your friends) think of you as a great girl. They're right. You are a great girl...to them. But that doesn't mean you're a sweet girl to everyone. There have been people that you've ignored, hurt, left behind, etc...
ReplyDeleteIf you go back and read all your blogs, notice everything you have said about this kid, Justin. Justin must be a great man who makes people happy. Justin is happy himself. Think about him. He doesn't have a blog. He doesn't have some corny ass website were all he does is talks about himself (his day, plans, future, etc...). All he does is his homework, hense his practically straight A's. But see, he never worries by feeling bad/sad about himself. He doesn't do this because, I'm sure, he just thinks about other people. For example, I'm sure he doesn't think down on himself for not having a navel. hahah
Now, I'm a hard girl to understand...or at least, for you I am. So, this probably just seems like I'm bitching you out. But I promise, I'm not. I'm just suggesting to you a way of making you happy. And that way is to stop thinking about yourself. If you think your fat, walk up to Anna and have her slap you, hardcore. If you think you're ugly, think of all the for sure ugly people you can picture and realize you look nothing like them. Even if you were ugly (which you're not), it wont ever matter. Girls wont stop being your friend 'cuz you're ugly. And guys wont not wanna date you. Guys don't care. Trust me, they're too stupid to realize. haha Again, IF you were ugly, that wouldn't stop people from being your friend, boyfriend, associate etc... Height, weight, appearance, none of that shit matters. And as for being stupid, there is no such thing as the word "stupid." It's just like the made up word "can't." The only thing you can't do is say you're stupid. If you think you're stupid 'cuz you don't have straight A's, think of all the people in this world. Is someone with autism stupid? They're different from a lot of people. But they aren't stupid. Is someone with aspergers stupid? They have a harder time controlling themselves than someone with autism, but that doesn't mean they're stupid. Is someone with cerebral palsy stupid? They don't know how to walk and many have more things they can't do. But should they be considered stupid? No. These are just a few examples. And there are millions more. So, obviously, a girl who grew up, has many friends, has had a loved one, and currently goes to a college isn't stupid.
You probably don't understand what I'm saying. I have problems wording things. (Keep in mind I have problems doing some things, but I don't call myself stupid...'cuz I'm not) I also figure you know who I am. But I bet you don't know that I'd be okay with talking to you...about this or anything. We could start by talking about us, in general. So, if you ever read this, you'll know who to call. If you don't know right away, or if you call the wrong person, that doesn't mean you're "stupid." Just think about it. It'll come to you.
Peace out, G!