I seem so far from where I was going

Current mood: distressed

So it goes.... oh Kurt Vonnegut, you'll never leave my mind.

I thought I knew where my life was going.. unfortunately I don't think that's true anymore. Maybe I tried to take my life in my own hands... I want to go to Bethel, be a journalist, get my book published. maybe it was all my fault really. The loans are not coming. I can't ask people from my work to be my co-signer. Turns out if they got angry about it, they could tell my work and I'd get fired. Can't do that cuz I need insurance since I probably won't be going to school. My book has not been touched in months cuz I don't have time or something to write it on. I'm trying to give it to God, but here I sit on August 7th, still with no word on anything. The whole thing is going along (roomates contacted, parking permit in the works, housing lease, on campus job oppurtunity) yet it's almost all a shame, a cloak of lies. Everyone knows I'm going... everyone except me. On top of the frustration, I've fallen for someone I can't have once again. Oh no no, stupidity did not stop with Justin. That's where it began. Can't have justin.. took me TWO years to understand that and finally be okay with that... we're finally really good friends which is a plus there, but then I move to Graham.. who has a girlfriend and does things that I disprove of. Things like smoking and drinking. Hey wait! Wasn't I trying to NOT get together with someone like that? Heh plan backfired. So then of course now there is new boy... who is single (on the right track) but drinks occasionally (that's how my dad started) and still is heartbroken. I just hurt my heart over and over again. So here I sit, broken, currently sick, and sad. How do I manage? I thought I was guarding my heart, but no... I was just FLINGING it at people with a surprise attack, expecting people to catch it. good choice amy. Oh, did I mention Travis' cross was taken down on 116? I feel we're all moving on from him... acting, slowly acting, that he was never here. I miss him more than anything lately, and I just wish I could start over. I know I can't, but I wish I could. Is it so hard to keep a memory alive? Apprantely. I mean I'm really happy cuz Zach is coming home soon, and I get to see Laura (if my funds quit screwing me over) and Ali is coming back up, but it's like, c'mon. See the irony of it all too is that I want to go to school soo bad, with a passion I don't think a lot of my friends even realize, yet I can't. Then I have a good amount of friends who don't want to go, but have all the funds at their fingertips to go with. Where is the logic? I know my life isn't as bad as it could be, at least I got to go one year right? It's just... it's so in me to learn, I may not be smart like Justin, but I want to learn just as much as he does. I want to know, so my writing isn't childish and I can make myself sound so wonderful like all the authors I read. Am I asking so much? Who knows. For those of you who tell me not to worry, let's see you not worry. I'm not asking for advice here, I'm speaking my mind that has not said much lately. so that's me today... and all I can say is so it goes...