I've had better

Tomorrow I get to sit back and watch my friends dissapate. Or however you spell it. Yep... every last one of em. I don't know what's harder, watching them go or watching them come back and talk about where they've been. I will stay here... and do nothing great. If you guys can't tell, my heart has been uneasy for the last couple of weeks and I can't seem to shake this terrible feeling that I'm failing. I know for now it's only a semester that I'm taking off, but it just gets worse and worse everyday. So okay, I can't go to school cuz I can't get the money.. suck. I have to start working full time at Panera which I'm still not sure I'm going to actually get the manager position.. suck once again. My medical insurance is gone because i'm not in school.. suck. All my friends are leaving me... suck. My car insurance will go up cuz I am no longer in school and cannot receive "good student" discount.. suck. Any time I have a chance to save money, something happens (dentist, car, gas, bills) so I am not able to save anything... suck. Zach read a piece of my book and had nothing to say... suck. I have no computer to write the rest of my crappy ass book on.. suck. The boy I liked basically stopped talking to me..suck. I have to keep dealing with all these people who think i'm going to Bethel and so I have to explain to them how I'm not going... suck. So lets see here, I've raked in 10 "sucks" in the last three weeks. At this rate I'll die of stress. At this point in my life I feel that I wish I could lay down and never wake up. No no, don't think kill myself, I could never do that, but let god take me. Heh. Morbid I know, and I don't want it to come off that way either, I dunno. It's hard. Everyone wants to understand but they can't and never will. i'm tired of hearing that God has a plan. Just for all of you out there:

I ALREADY KNOW THAT

no one seems to get that. It doesnt' matter though. I'm too broken right now to really care. Everytime I think I'll be okay, someone else finds out that I am one of "them" who do not go back rightaway. yah sure, lots of people do it, but this is just another thing that people dont' understand about me. Just picture this: you've had this dream in yoru mind for such a long time and so far it has gone basically to plan, and all of a sudden it is ripped out from under you and you are left to deal. Who is going to handle that well? Amazing people, and believe me I do not fall under this category. I think everything is just harder right now because NOTHING is going right. Nothing. oh, and I get the constant joy of dealing with people who just don't wanna go to school and are all upset about it (not just you Nate, don't worry) It's breaking my heart to hear it. Don't go if you don't wanna go. But take advantage of it cuz soon you won't be saying "I dont' wanna go back to school" you'll be saying "I don't wanna go back to work". So take the oppurtunity you have no cuz you will never have it again people. For all our sakes, appreciate it please. With that I will say that I've had some good times with my friends this summer and I'm glad that everyone was able to be there for eachother, through the good and the bad. It's been one hell of a roller coaster ride guys. I love you all for it.


Summer Moment: this is me and Karrah cheering on Melissa a tthe Aquitennial Coronation with the Cambridge ladies, Jessica and Jennifer. We got to get all dressed up in something OTHER than royalty stuff so it was a nice change.