Nothing Left to Lose

"Nothing Left To Lose"

Something's in the air tonight
The sky's alive with a burning light
You can mark my words something's about to break
And I found myself in a bitter fight
While I've held your hand through the darkest night
Don't know where you're coming from but you're coming soon
[bridge]To a kid from Oregon by way of California
All of this is more than I've ever known or seen
[chorus] Come on and we'll sing, like we were free
Push the pedal down watch the world around fly by us
Come on and we'll try, one last time
I'm off the floor one more time to find you
And here we go there's nothing left to choose
And here we go there's nothing left to lose
So I packed my car and I headed east
Where I felt your fire and a sweet release
There's a fire in these hills that's coming down
And I don't know much but I found you here
And I can not wait another year
Don't know where you're coming from but you're coming soon
[bridge]
[chorus]
I can still hear the trains out my window
From Hobart Street to here in Nashville
I can still smell the pomegranates grow
And I don't know how hard this wind will blow
Or where we'll go
[chorus]

So this is my favorite singer right now. His name is Mat Kearney in case anyone is interested. He was on Grey's Anatomy and I actually had gotten a poster of him at Sonshine Festival this past summer. It was really wierd how I heard of him. But this song, moreso the title, really speaks to me right now. Nothing left to lose, nothing left to give up, nothing left. That's how I feel right now...

Today as I was driving to work, still sick from last night (from what I don't know), my radio goes fuzzy (I'm listening to a CD), then all my meter things (speedometer, gas gage, etc.) go to 0. Then all my lights go on (seat belt light, check engine, break light, ABS, Battery light, etc.) and then of course the cars sputters and dies. An hour in a half later, my mom and I are finally getting a tow truck to tow my car to Star West. It costs $80.41 to tow it three miles, and a million billion dollars more to fix this piece of garbage.. the solution is probably not to get it fixed and just get a new one. The problem with that is I need a car fast cuz I need to work and such. I don't even know if they'll give me a loan. Then on top of that, I feel a hole in my heart giving up my car. I know it's stupid but... Travis was in that car. He sat in the passenger side. He played the "am I making you feel uncomfortable game," he helped me buy something at Dick's Foods when my mom was really mad at me. He laughed as we listened to Dashboard Confessional and John drove my car while I blindfolded him with my hands and told him where to go. This is a piece of my past that hasn't been screwed up by time (well phsycially yes, but not emotionally) It's the last memory of Travis that is fresh and alive. Now I have to say goodbye. I hate change. I hate it. I miss Travis, and now I miss my car. I don't exactly know what we're gonna do, but at any rate, I'm sad.

So besides all this car business, I talked to Bethel yesterday. I have to pay $8,600 or something for next semester, and monthly payments start in December. Payments will come to $1,600 a month. I don't think I can do that, especially since I either have to pay a lot for fixing my car, or pay a lot to get a loan for a new one. I'm sooo screwed either way. I'm in over my head, that's for sure. I'm not going down without a fight cuz then i'd be puttin up the flag way to early in the game, but it's really hard to keep fighting this hard. I'm tired yah know? Just tired. I'm trying to get scholarships, apply to a ton and see what happens, but other than that... I don't know.

So if you guys could just pray for me, pray for exactly what, I'm not sure, but just pray. I know, i feel like I'm just circling and i keep having the same problems, so I'm sorry, but yah. It can only go up from here right? right?