This Isn't Everything You Are...

Whelp. It’s that week. The week of Travis. It has been nothing like it usually has. He hasn’t been brought up in conversation, I haven’t tried to seek out a VHS player to watch the tape of all the videos that were made of him, and I haven’t contemplated if I should go to the grave. Is it really to that point? Is nine years the time we start to care less? Maybe. Maybe not. I guess life has been moving so fast forward that I haven’t had a chance to look back. I don’t think it’s something to feel guilty about or anything, just a simple realization that this boy that was one of my best friends, wouldn’t know me today. Think of the things he’s missed! I mean, I think about our last memories together, and I can’t tell if it’s a movie, or just this illusion I’ve created for myself. It’s so unreal. Do you think we’d still be friends? I would hope so but who knows what he would have done with his life.

I still plan on going to the accident site, and joining in our new tradition of getting ice cream with friends, but it’s different. Luckily I have a book that I can delve in to when I’m feeling removed from my past. It brings my right back to where I was and how that has changed my entire life. Is it normal to move on? Or is it something we simply forget? Should we hold on to our past? I haven’t quite decided. That was a defining moment in our lives, learning how to deal with death, and where we stood with God. It’s almost a moment of rebirth. Oh the things to ponder on a gloomy Thursday morning....

Besides the reality check, life has been good. I officially moved BACK in with my parents (mid twenties crisis??) to Rockford, into what my mother likes to call “manufactured home estates.” Oh boy. While I resent the fact that I lived there 20 years ago, I have to admit it’s not as bad as the first time around. I mean heck, this trailer is BIGGER than the house I grew up in! How is that even possible!? My parents are happy, they are at the edge of the park and look over the Crow River and Rebecca Park. They have a deck, pretty trees, a birdbath, and a fire pit thing. My mother keeps making dinner and breakfast, asking if I want any. She sits on the adjacent extra bed in the room I’m in and we have girly chitchat. Where the heck did I move? It’s also been nice to know that my boyfriend is 5 minutes away, instead of 45 minutes. What a relief

Work has been going well. Lots of articles written, lots of reading/editing/re-editing. Lots of learning about the random things on the Internet on my dead time. Lots of e-mails to friends. LOTS of sitting. The thing that bothers me the most is the sitting. I can’t stand it! I’m used to running around and being active, and now I know why people get fat as they age. They SIT all day long, eight hours a day, five days a week. Are you kidding me? How is it that I work for a healthy living magazine, and we sit all day and eat out a lot? I mean the eating out is my fault, I need to find time to go to the grocery store, but why can’t we have breaks during the day to go on walks, or have treadmills, or something? I don’t want a fat office butt!! Shallow much?? Lol. The only thing I can do is to switch gym memberships so I can go to the one that’s less than 2 miles from my parents. I need to be proactive on my health since I won’t be getting help from anyone else. Good thing health insurance will be kicking in soon!

In other news, Justin was fired several days ago. I know. I should have posted earlier, but it’s been crazy between the move, the firing, and so forth. But here I am, telling you now! It was pretty weird. I mean, in reality him and his boss didn’t see eye to eye on a lot of things, and with both of them being dominant and not able to stand down ideas, we knew it wasn’t going to be a job he had forever. Plus, the commute doubled when they moved the offices farther south. It really has opened up doors for him though. He can be on unemployment for now, finish paying off school, and start taking seminary classes online. It’s not ideal in his book, but sometimes that is just the way life is. We all have to have patience in different parts of our lives, and this is his. Either way, he’ll still be on his way for his MDiv. And this way we don’t have to worry about the future for us. Not yet anyway. ;)

I was one of the lucky ones too. I. Saw. Titanic. In. 3D. Hahah! Epic epicness. That’s what I have to say about it. Sure, there are cheesy parts, but we already knew that. And the 3D wasn’t as bad as I was expecting. NOTHING like the nauseating affects from Avatar. It made it feel real, like I was floating in the water right along with them. It was pretty trippy. Of course, what made it the most enjoyable was the fact that Alyssa and Kara had never seen the movie in the theater so it was fun to be apart of that with them. The weekend also had Twins game in it. Oh. My. Gosh! I went to a game that had the BEST weather possible. Sure, they lost, but really, I wanted to be outside enjoying the fresh spring air, and that’s exactly what I got. Oh yah, and I got a jumbo super big hotdog. Yums.

Okay, time for me to get back to work and well…. Work! Enjoy your life and the people in it the rest of this week. Give more hugs than usual and tell people you love them. It sometimes makes all the difference.

Love

Be Wise, Be Funny, Be Blonde

I think all those things are inherently important. Okay, maybe inherently is not the correct term. And maybe being blonde isn't a necessity, but it sure is fun! Makes me think of summer, being tan, wakeboarding, and having way more fun than everybody else. I've probably just offended ALL of my friends.... lol.

I'm blogging to blog today. Time has passed and I have let it. And that is not what I like doing. If I don’t blog, then my audience might think I have zero thoughts on life! Well I don’t! I’m full of them just waiting to be accessed.

I move in to my parents once again in less than ten days. I’m not really sure when the FINAL move is taking place, but either way it’ll be bittersweet. Highlights? Well there are few but I will be closer to Justin and my life won’t be so incredibly hectic and filled with driving. Well… the drive to work will be like living in Sweden and flying to Germany for work. But hey, who’s thinking about it? It’s a good time of reflection (aka singing loudly to loud music). There are more downfalls than I’m willing to type out, but it’s temporary and my parents aren’t charging me so in reality, I can’t complain. And I will keep it minimal if that’s the case. Hopefully it won’t end up here! Nobody wants to read about my tragic stories from the Rockford Trailer Park that I lived at when I was 4 and was scarred for life right? Oh. Wait. That sounds like a FANTASTIC story. Just wait for the excitement peeps!

It’s once again Easter weekend. This is probably my favorite holiday to spend at church. Thanksgiving and Christmas are tainted with the times I went without my family and my eyes swelled up in the back thinking how utterly bleak it is to come to church on a night where the pastor is physically preaching about family. That random pew in the back never felt lonelier. But Easter isn’t about family. It’s about Jesus on the cross. It’s about Jesus dying. It’s about Jesus rising again and taking away our sin. And for a few Good Friday services I’ve ended up at Open Door and they always do a really moving sermon. It’s powerful and I feel alive in my faith. I desperately need that now. I watch sermons, and sometimes Justin and I will talk about our faith and the questions I have regarding it, but I still don’t feel “moved” like I think I’m supposed to feel. Sure, I have those moments where the power and love of God consumes me and I feel this feeling that is indescribably great. But they are fleeting.

When will it stick? When I become a member at a church? Possibly. When I force myself to be in the word and force myself to pray more? Very likely. Draw closer to Him and He will draw closer to you right? So complicated. It is also very likely that my idea of what being a Christian feels like isn’t realistic. Maybe for some, yes, but maybe I’ve idealized the meaning and feeling of it. For some reason growing up a Christian my whole life (at least from what I’ve remembered) has left me more confused than others who accepted Him later in life. Why? I think it’s because it feels more like THEIR choice. That these people are doing it because they WANT to. I was just told (I think) that this is what it is, this is who Jesus is, and BAM you’re a believer. Did I ever ask Jesus in to my heart? I mean I’ve done things like that at some church retreats in high school, but when was the FIRST time I did it? I have no idea. I’m missing a huge part I feel like. Does anyone ever feel like this? I’d love to hear your response!

Anyway, the whole point of that ramble was to say that I’m going to a Friday, Saturday, AND a Sunday service. I’ll be churched out by the end of it! I should even bring my big Bible to feel even more intense about it. Haha. I’m not dreading it though; I’m actually very excited because it will be three different pastors. It’ll be fun to hear all their takes on this holiday. And who knows, maybe I’ll want more and listen to Mark Driscoll’s sermon the following Monday. Then I have FOUR examples to compare and contrast. Man, I better be taking notes!

I’m officially ready for summer. I feel that I’m healthy and I look better than last summer. My arm muscles are great, although that six-pack can show up any day now. No big deal, just broken resolutions from umpteen years ago. I can wait another year. I’m actually going to take up the offer through LA Fitness on using my free training session. I’ve been working out and feeling great, yet that layer of fat on my midsection will NOT budge. So these people will have to tell me what to do, because I’m out of options! Except giving up soda… yikes. That’s like desperate measure stuff. Addict? Yes, yes I am. Besides that, I cut my hair almost 3” And got super blonde highlights! It was scary at first and I felt like I got what I call the “marriage hair” (almost everyone I know gets married and then chops off all of their beautiful locks! People! Do you not realize that your husband might actually LIKE your long hair? Maybe I’ll understand when I get married. For now, long is beautiful!) But really it’s not THAT short. I’m just dramatic (who knew?). But now my hair is ready, my body is pretty ready, and my skin will hopefully be soaking up that beautiful vitamin D any day now.

How do these blogs get so incredibly long? Oh. That’s right. I like to talk. And write. And contemplate. Well there you have it. I’m a rambler.

Love