Sure, I should be doing my homework. I should be diligently working on that take-home test that's due tomorrow and figuring out my final project for Media Law, Photojournalism, and Topics in Journalism. I should want to get ahead in my classes and make sure this semester goes well. But it doesn't matter. Not today, not tomorrow, and for sure not this evening. What matters are people the ones you love most, and I can't seem to get that out of my head. A friend asked me today how I deal with never putting myself first and getting hurt by the people around me. I guess I never think about it. As Grey's Anatomy said, "It's better to have people than to have nobody" and I agree with that. I'd rather cry every day and brighten someone's day then be happy. Sounds weird I know, but I just figure... life is hell. There's death and decay and brokenness and stress and financial issues, bickering parents, fighting, homework, and everything in between....don't we all need a little help sometimes? I know I feel that way sometimes, what about everyone else? I don't think God would have a problem with that other. Just because we are sinners and not meant for God's love, doesn't mean we shouldn't love each other. Just cuz we aren't accountable people doesn't mean we can't at least attempt to be the people God wants us to be... it actually means we should try to defy our sinful natures. And more than anything, I want to be what God wants me to be. He shows me so much mercy and kindness that I can't even begin to believe why he does so. I have so much doubt in myself that I can't even grasp His love. Maybe that's why I show so much to others. God's love seems untouchable and unreal that I try to show it to others physically. Is that possible? I don't know, I wish I knew, but like I said today, God won't call your cell phone... it doesn't work that way.
And I guess when it comes down to it, God's the question that's on my mind. How come I never notice His love, why do I doubt myself so much, why is it that God can speak to you and you don't believe it, or you think God speaks to you, but you are ridiculed? I know it's not easy, but can't there be some moments that help you know you are doing something right in all the wrongness? Why do I feel like He's said things to me, but feel so unsure about them? How can you not? I have something stuck with me, and I think it'll be there for quite some time. But what if it wasn't from God? what if it was my own desires? And what if it was from God but I interperated it the wrong way? I don't know what to think about stuff like that. Should I? Does anyone? Let's ponder God for a while. See what He has to say... if anything.
.... But maybe... that's the point. He shouldn't have to say anything.
Amy
Stuff like that happens all the time for me. God does speak to us. The Holy Spirit dwells with us. When I am confused about such things i bring them to a brother. Someone who may have been there. I talk about it. God wants us to live in a community. God wants us to talk about him. God wants us to praise him. There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking questions. I have to do it all the time. Don't feel ashamed if you are ridiculed. Such ridicule has no foundation in truth.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry this is so late in reply. I don't even know if you will get it. But I am always ears.
And we are meant for God's love. ^_^
ReplyDelete