Yep. It's that day again. That day that haunts people or completely passes them by. I feel like I'm in both categories. Some days I think of Travis and I smile. He was here for but a moment, a moment that I can barely remember. 16 feels like an eternity ago. Who was I? What were my thoughts? Was school important? Did I love my life? Did I think things differently the way I do now?
Then there are the times when I can't feel him anymore. His memories have been erased and he is that guy I met once when I was a kid. That's how I felt yesterday evening. I wasn't sad. I didn't miss him, and I felt bad about it. When do we get to that point in our life where we just stop? It's not that I don't care about him, or miss him from time to time, but it's a part of the process I guess. It's been years since I've understood the situation and know that it isn't a tragedy anymore. And I felt bad for not feeling bad. This is normal though. Hard to let go, but you do. It's a very different life then when someone first dies. You feel like you've betrayed someone by letting the sadness go, but really, you've just grown up. You learn to deal with it the way you deal with everything else in your life.
But it's comforting to know that we are all combined on this one single day. It is the day that we remember. I know that no matter what my friends will remember, they will help everyone else feel whole. We may not be suffering as much or at all anymore, but out of respect, we remember. And what made me feel better in this first hour of this day is that I can remember him and it's not sad. And I know that he was a wonderful person, and he did so much with his death. It was God's plan. That's what it boils down to. And when you're in it, you can't see that. You can't just say "oh well, God is in control" I know that now however. And I have faith in God that I will see Travis again someday. What a day that will be.
I was also talking to a dear friend recently and we discussed something along the lines of what is a healthy way to cope with death? Is there even such a thing? Is it healthy to forget? Is it healthy to hold on for a lifetime? Is it healthy to be immersed in it daily? Is it even healthy to visit the site where he left us? Who knows. I've decided there is no "healthy" and "unhealthy" way to deal. I cannot criticize anyone for their habits on dealing with this. We were thrown into the situation as babies. We made do with what we had, and we have found comfort in that.
So that's where I am this year. Comfortable knowing that Travis is in a good place. Comfortable knowing that God has a plan for my life and I will follow Him until He takes me home. I am my Father's child.
And while this has nothing to do with Travis, I found this quote that stood out to me today: All of us come to Christ on our knees. Travis did. I will continue too.
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