To myself From Myself

It's funny how New Year's brings this nostalgia over us, where we feel the need to look over the past year and see how we have done. And it's always hard to judge this. Did I succeed in being a better person? Did I become the skinnier form of myself? Did I find the path that He walks upon and finally found myself in Him? There's just too many questions to find out whether or not I "succeeded". So I'd rather just say it was good and I enjoyed it. There's no sense in regret and self loathing for the things not accomplished. I don't see that New Year's was meant for that self loathing 364 days later. I see it as a stepping stone that you can stop at and take a breath... a very needed breath. If you have no where to stop and see what you've done with your life, how will you ever know where to go? yah know?

So... I guess my year was grand. Friends got married, sisters got engaged, people found love, I got a new job, I got to be apart of the school that is Bethel, I'm going to have an apartment and be all grown up, and now I've been on a date. Who knew so much could happen in a year! I found friendship in Mike, and found an odd desire to know Jesus- as in his life (like in Luke, Matthew, Mark, etc.). Which is good. This odd desire was very good for me. I feel that my walk has strengthened. Not a lot, but good enough to the point where I can say that I'm feeling a connection with God that I've never had before. Well, maybe I had it right after Travis died. So it's good to have this back WITHOUT someone having to die. Some days all I want to do is worship and sit and ponder life and everything that God has given us. It's amazing. I love where I am, and can't wait to see how much better it will get with each passing day, month, year.

So... this date. This infamous date that happened out of nowhere, and just like that, it was over. I know I know, I'm the girl who is sooo open about her life, but here all of a sudden is this date. Huh. Go figure. AMY VERGIN on a date. It was something I needed to do for myself. Maybe I was a little bit pushed into it, but it was worth it. It's been four years since I've done anything of that nature, and that's a long time. I was comfortable where I was, and I was afraid to meet boys or heaven forbid "date" them. So I just thought that since I was asked out, I should go on this date, even though my stomach was in complete knots and the movie we saw was very below par. But again, I feel accomplished. I can't sit here and have Justin be the last person I dated. And I'm probably not the only one who knows that. lol. It's not like this boy is the boy I'm going to marry, but ah... it was very freeing. And No.... no kissing was involved. lol.

I really cannot wait to move in with Jen. Of course we need to find our apartment together, but it's just gonna be really good for both of us. >The funny part is that we don't even see each other that much during the week. I see her like once a week. Which usually I see my friends ALL the time. So it'll be nice to see her every night. I dunno. It's a big step in the big game of life, but I think I'm ready. I'm just losing that desire to come home for breaks and summer. The only reason I do return is to see my friends. I can always stop by and see family, that's not a problem. So yes, it's a big step, but I think God will prepare me in the next couple of months. YAY!

So I'm also super excited for New Year's tomorrow. Obviously I love it, but who doesn't?! It's a fresh beginning and you get to start over with all the ones you love. Again, another freeing moment. Plus the thought of broomball makes my heart skip a beat. haha. I might even get to play today as well. And it's such good exercise... and it's a good laugh to watch people suck it up (aka: ME!) And all the ping pong and snowmobiles and TV watching and darts and ahhh! just so much to do! I cannot wait!

Okay, I'm done! I've got to go do about a million other things! I hope everyone has a wonderful New Years and I hope that this year is the year that you make that connection with God, where all you see is Him, and you realize that it's everything you have been looking for. =) Blessings

Amy

Yesterdays

The flowers cut and brought inside

Black cars in a single line

Your family in suits and ties

And you're free

The ache I feel inside

Is where the life has left your eyes

I'm alone for our last goodbye

But you're free

I remember you like yesterday

YesterdayI still can't believe you're gone

Oh I remember you like yesterday

YesterdayAnd until I'm with you, I carry on

Adrift on your ocean floor

I feel weightless numb and sore

A part of you and me is torn

You're free

I woke from a dream last night

I dreamt that you were by my side

Reminding me I still had life

In meI remember you like yesterday

YesterdayI still can't believe you're gone

Oh I remember you like yesterday

YesterdayAnd until I'm with you,

I carry on

I'll carry on, I'll carry on

Every lament is a love song

Yesterday, yesterday

I still can't believe you're gone

Every lament is a love song

Yesterday, yesterday

So long my friend, so long

Sometimes I feel this way about Travis... well most of the time. Travis is free from this world that we live in. And the line that says "Adrift on the ocean floor, I feel weightless, numb, and sore" is just the perfect way to describe the feeling when someone dies. By the way, this is a song on Switchfoot's CD, I'm not that good of a writer. Haha. And what happened to me yesterday just really made me miss him. I won't go into it, not here, but it just made me want to go back to those times when he was alive. nothing was as difficult as it is now. Growing up and becoming non-ignorant is hard, and I wish I didn't have to do it. Travis lucked out on this part. He got to live the best years. Thank God for that. I just hope that things are set right, cuz I had feeling this way.

So I should add that finals are over and I'm able to relax once more! It's nice to be back home (sorta) haha but they keep it so cold in here! I don't like that!! So socks are always nice even though I actually dispise socks. Lol. I can't wait to get my grades back!! I didn't realize how bad my GPA was until a week ago, so it's going to be really nice to have this semester bump it up a bit!! Or a lot, depending on how many A's I got. What else, I feel like there have been 101 Christmas parties, and they just keep on coming! lol. But I like the holidays, it's a nice feeling to have everyone together celebrating life and Jesus' birth. It should happen more often.

Oh yes, I totally kicked butt in 500 and Euchre! GO team LA! Haha. Anyway, I should go. I don't have too much to report besides the fact that Laura will be in town over Christmas which is always a blast. And that my sister is engaged. (If I didn't say that before, MY SISTER IS GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!! YAYAYAYAYAYAYYAY!!!!!!!!!!) I'm not excited at all (note the sarcasm). Um... .and.... Jen and I can start house searching now before she leaves for Rome. yay! yep... that's it. I'm finito! Time for nap and another party! huzzah

Blessings and Merry Christmases all around

Amy

PS

So apparently my group IS able to pull of Hamlet in less than a week. WHO KNEW!? I guess they spent 9 hours editng (stayed up until 5:30AM to finish it) and the teacher LOVED it.... told us right after class that we got on A. So I feel bad for being the "bitter betty" through all of this, but I still don't think it's okay to procrastinate on such a project. Yah know? But whatever... it's done and over with. YAYA


PPS- so I am planning a theoretical trip to NYC! Haha... so... to do flight + hotel it can be anywhere from $400-$1200.... that isn't bad at all! and to stay for a week??? wonderful! and of course we could scratch the hotel all together if I could talk justin's aunt and uncle to let us stay there for a week. Heh? Anyone in on my theoretcial trip?? I say yes!

Hey! It's been such a long time! Let's catch up!

Sorry.... oye. life is crazy. Busy crazy. So crazy that I lack the effort to keep this thing up. My bad.

Life has been good! I've got no HUGE complaints. I mean there's the everyday piddly stuff, but it's not really worth talking about.

The biggest knews of the last month (GULP! That long already??) is that my sister is GETTING MARRIED!!!!!! I knew this day would come, and I always thought I'd be upset and angry cuz I was alone and then I'd feel stupid cuz my "Younger" sister is getting married first. But it's quite the opposite. It doesn't even bother me that I'm alone, it's not even about ME to begin with! Andrew is such a great guy for her and I couldn't be more happy. I think I'm a little crazy because it's been under a week and I already have looked at a ton of dresses for her and colors and I even bought her a $30 wedding organizer (don't worry, it's basically her early christmas present) but this thing is pretty much amazing. It's got a range of prices, tabs to keep everything organized, ideas to save money, places to put your guest list and the addresses, and gives you countdowns and everything! It's so awesome. She's going to love it. I just can't believe this is happening! It's so wierd... we are at that age. I know Anna already got married, and so did Amanda, but this is my SISTER! CRAZY!!! But I bless them both and will pray for them daily through this stressful task of planning a wedding. Luckily Holly has three very willing people to take over everything to keep her unstressed (Seward, Me, Mom). I'll do whatever she wants me to do. I even bought a Bridesmaid book for myself. Tee hee.

In other news, I went down to Milwaukee to see Ali for her 21st Birthday!!!!! And so nobody could afford to not work that weekend so I got some unexpected (but totally expected) to come with me: Zachary!! Ah bless him. He was so much fun to have on this trip. Everyday I get to know him a little better, and I enjoy that. Zach is just one of those people who are fun to be around. You can get into a lengthy discussion about anything, or just laugh at something totally ridiculous (OOOhhhh! Balls!) haha. But we did homework and sang songs and talked and I dunno, it was really good. It always makes me a little nervous because it was JUST me and Zach for 10 hrs (there and back) but it went wonderfully! Anyway, it was fun to be in Milwaukee because not only did I have the wonderful Ali down there, but I finally met this sister of hers, along with seeing Josh and Marlise! It was a perfect group to go out. Although Ali felt sick and some things weren't going as planned, I still think the evening went well. Ali and I left the bars early while the others made it to bar time. It was kinda nice to have our own time together. I mean I did come all the way there to see HER, so the alone time was nice. We played Go-Kart racing, and then when everyone returned, I was challenged against two boys and uh... kicked their butts!! They were horrible! They were also a little intoxicated.... at least enough to not do that well. But then even in the morning, I still beat Zach a lot. 11 games in a row. Explain that Zach!! So it was good to be down there.... Oh yes, and on the way back, I helped Zach study for Spanish and read stuff for his class about criminals and stuff.. all very interesting. I'm just THAT good of a friend to study for a final that I'm not even taking! =)

So finals are coming up! (Today is my last day of classes!) And I'm really excited about all of this. Don't get me wrong, I love school and I'm soooo glad to be here, but there have been some difficult moments this semester that just make me want to put this semester to an end already! Like the group from hell that are all freshman (and if they aren't, well they all ACT like they are) that won't do any work and have stressed me out way more than necessary. Or like the teacher who doesnt' like any of my writing and makes me so angry that I won't even speak up in her class. But at least I'm still getting an A right? Whtatever, I just need to be done and have freedom for a while. It'll be nice. The only downer is that i'm losing my favorite teacher in the whole entire world (Joey Horstman) and that three of my room mates are moving out. One is going to New Zealand for the semester, one is not coming back until February for second semester, and one is just moving out entirely. So it's like, bummer. But one of my other roomies that I've started to get to know will be here so that'll be nice. And also I think I'm going to be able to get into a class next semester with my fav. teacher. Fingers crossed! but finals.... GAH! BE OVER NOW!!!!!

Hmm... I don't know what else has been going on. I love Jesus? lol. I do. I really do. I love being at this school. It's not the school itself that makes me a stronger person in my faith, but it is almost like that cushion to fall back on. Yah know? And I've found that worship has become so personal to me. I mean music has always been big for me, but really.... it just sends my soul to a whole new level. I feel like I'm one on one with God, and he is listening me sing these words and smiles because of it. I'm singing the words because I mean them. Especially in the song "Give us clean hands". I stir inside just thinking about it. That song is so true in my life. I want clean hand and a pure heart, I want to do away with earthly things that break me down inside and get rid of the things that make me sin. I want to walk along next to God, not trailing behind him. I desire this so. That's why I started reading Luke. Although I've slowed in that process, I'm still happy with where I am, and I think God is too.

Ok, so this will be the shocker that I'll leave everyone with because I have to go to class, but I also just have to say this before people start getting even more mad. I think Jen L. and I have decided to move in together (I sound like I'm a lesbian but I don't mean it that way!) I'm just saying that I know some people will be mad because I won't live with others... but that's because there are things we are compatible in and I would kill people. So.. yah... that's it. lol. I'ts dumb, but it's been freaking me out. So now it's out and people can be upset if they want, but bah, whatev. I love my friends and I know them well enough to know if living together would destroy our friendship or keep it strong. And I think Jen and I will be fine. So.... everyone okay? Ok, I'm overreacting. I'm out. I pray that everyone goes through finals wiht a breeze!

Amy

Baby it's cold outside

I know, I know... I need to update more. Life just gets so busy and I just don't know what to do with myself. But if I don't do it tonight, it's gonna pile up way too much. So here I am!

Life has been great lately. At least the overall picture has been (minor issues come and go) and I've really been happy. I've found myself seeking God stronger than I have in a while. Which is always nice. It happened through a riveting worship service last weekend at Open Door. I won't get to much into it, but let's just say I haven't been hungry in a while. And now I'm STARVING!!! Haha... that doesnt' make sense in normal terms, but in Christian terms, it's very good to be hungry for God. Anyway, I'm just happy that I'm in this spot cuz I feel like I fight for it all the time with nothing coming out of it. But here I sit, completely and utterly happy. YAY Church!!

School has been good, I mean it's pretty much the same. I love it and my classes are all writing classes, and yah. Nothing too exciting. I never heard back from my internship possibility, so I might try to e-mail them again. We'll see. And I still need to register for some classes, but I don't think the ones I want are available, so I'm just kinda sittin back and watching to see if they ever open up. hmmm....

So last weekend Zach, Kara, and a girl named Brittany went to the Lion King at the Orpheum!!! Let's just say that if you have never seen it, you really really really really should. we only paid $55 for the tickets, and it was well worth it. I would throw in what I love about it, but I wouldn't want to spoil it for anyone who would possibly go. But if you ever wanna talk about it, I am more than willing! We also went to this resturant called the Palimino which was very high class and elegant, and we all had a great time. We don't get to do that that often, so it was a nice little treat. =)

What else is new?? Thanksgiving was Thanksgiving. I care more about the break then the actual day. It's never been a huge day for me. I did, however, wake up at 2PM on that day, which means I apparently was tired. Who knew?! I mean c'mon, it's me. haha. What else did I do? Saw Jen and watched Grey's Anatomy, Wed. I had been at Adam's and played a game meant for 4-8 year olds... Friday was an attempted movie party, which turned into a lot of chatting with people I haven't seen in a long time and about half of a movie. lol. Saturday was Bethel's football game! A-MAZING! I didn't get there until half time but I watched it with Justin, Joe, Debbie, Kara, and her two sibilings. We played Eau Claire for the second round in the division. We did pretty well! It was 21-12! Unfortunately (but somehow very fortunate) St. John's didn't win (hahahaha) so we will be playing in Iowa, meaning I don't get to see the game. Sigh. After that the Knapps roped me up into going to their rental house, and not leaving for 2 1/2 hours. Haha. I knew that would happen. It's the Knapps! So it wasn't bad cuz I expected it. But then I played cards with Anna, John, Lee, Adam, and Justin! It was fun cuz I haven't seen Anna, John, and Lee in a while. That's what Thanksgiving break is all about! =)

So today, I locked my keys in my car. I'm a moron. And it's all because I didn't have my purse around me like I usually do! People think it's funny cuz I always seem to have it on wherever I am. So I decided not to have it on and then locked everything in my car. It was dumb. and kind of weird. I haven't gone around without my car, my phone, and money in a long time! I felt like a fifteen year old. Now I now how Justin feels. lol.

I think that's all I've got. Nothing too terribly interesting is going on. Oh, I'm going down to see Ali for her birthday, so if anyone wants to join me, gimme a call!!

Amy <3

Dreams are passages into the soul

It was summer time, and Zach and I thought we should go to the lake again. It was one of those really nice days that we had this summer and this time, we actually took advantage of being out on the lake. We brought some other friends and started to walk a strange shoreline. It was on Lake Sarah, but a much larger beach. A couple of people dived in, and I continued to trace where water met land. At the same time, (or maybe a little bit before we decided to go swimming) I was playing a game inside a house with Adam Neis, and he kept throwing stuff for me to catch, but I let it whiz pass me and it'd break all these breakable glass things behind me. So we decided to hide everything that was valuable so we wouldn't do it again. I think that's when Zach and I wanted to go out on the water. So back to the water, just as I'm about to start running into the water, Justin comes out of nowhere. He wasn't at the house earlier, and we hadn't called him to come to the beach, still there he was. He started asking why none of us called him, and we just shrugged our shoulders, saying we figured he had too much homework to do anything.

And that was that. That dream said a lot to me, a lot of stuff that I needed to remember.
Son meilleur ami a été emporté Y no soy responsable Aber ich glaube gezwungen, um für ihn dort zu sein nella buona e nella cattiva sorte, come con c'è ne dei miei amici.


So it goes,
Amy

Can you repeat it word for word?

Here I sit... sit sit sit

Here I type... type type type

Here I think... ::woah::

I feel like I'm thinking nothing yet thinking of everything in the entire world of me. I feSel like I should be contemplating everything I've been told, praying to God for advice, seek someone to tell them the things they've done to me, and probably didn't even notice. So much was given to me last night, that I feel... just in shock. And it wasn't bad news. I don't think so anyway. I thank the people that were involved. But still.. I feel that I'm being disrespectful if I don't get it enough "awe" time. we'll see what happens

Last night was a miracle. A once in a lifetime oppurtunity that Kara and I took very willingly. We beat Nate and Justin in 500. We dominated the first round (540 to -200) And then they won the second one, who knew what the score was. (lol) But you can't just leave it at a tie, at least not with anyone in our group. We are all competitive at heart (is this a bad thing?? Is this pride right now?) So yah.. .we took the chance to lose our tie, but we came out the victor. It was magical. =) YAY to Kara and trusting her gut instinct.

I think it's funny to watch people. People in their everyday routine who have no idea that anyone else would possibly notice what they do, but I do. Sounds creeper right? It's not. I just observe. I remember someone if we met randomly, and just happen to say a few words together. I remember the shirt someone was wearing from like 3 years ago. I obvserve. So to me it's funny to watch people, like what people do when they are excited, or ticked off by something. Or when people are so enveloped by something that they zone you out completely. You guys should try it sometime. Just take a second from your realm, and watch. I think a lot of people could learn more than they bargained for. I bet Adam would agree. But we come from two different levels. I come from the inside, loving to be apart of the action. Adam likes to be the one on the outside (and not literal outside, he likes to be in the group too) but remember he is the one taking the pictures, quietly observing people before he speaks. He does it from the other side. Now why am I bringing this up so randomly? well... there really is no specific reason, but I just realizing how much I can pick up. Like on Sunday I went to Sanctuary church in minneapolis with Jesse and some of his friends, and I had seen and met a couple of them, but they had no idea who I was. Because I had met them once, I would see them in the hallway randomly, but they wouldn't notice me. It's just weird how people are soo uniquely different. Anyone agree??

Ok, pondering time over.... time for work and such. love love love

Amy
;p

P.s- oh yah, and I went to see Seward at Stout... and lets just say... .we have adventures and I love our adventures. And I think Andrew Beckman is probably one of the coolest guys I know. I really enjoy his company and wished BOTH of them lived here again. YAY!

I mean BUSINESS

The big day is coming!! Soon I will have a yes or a no, and the wait is killing me. I'm kind of scared though. I don't think I can handle a no. But I don't know if I can handle a yes. I feel like i'm in Purgatory. It's a nerve wracking feeling! I know half of you have no idea what I'm talking about, but there was no point in saying anything until I have my answer! (And no it's nothing bad!!) So here I sit... with my patience patience patience.




YAY WEDNESDAY!

<3>

Flibertygibbet

Ahh.... nothing says blog than an insane comment from Ryan, speaking about a crazy aunt. (hah Kara)

I know I know I know. I take forever to write. I don't know what's become of me! a WEEK to write about the best weekend in the world?? And now another best weekend to follow that previous weekend? Oh man, am I behind.

My Birthday was absolutely amazing. There were some kinks as usual (whoever expects a perfect anything is crazzzzzy) but there was an overall satisfied feeling. Thanks to EVERYONE who went to the 3-part Extravganga (I know it's mispelled, it's an inside joke) and for everyone who facebooked me, called me, texted me, IMed me, and so forth. =) So I must say again, Birthdays are the best!!! So yah, bascially there was about 25 of us at dinner that night, followed by an awesome concert from Switchfoot and Relient K. There were so many people, and Kara and I got pretty close!! And of course Sarah and Phil were there, so that's always fun. Still haven't had a real chance to TALK with Phil, but that chance will come. I wanna get to know him if he is gonna be a big part in Sarah's life. But anyway, after the concert, we went back to the hotel room that we had rented out for all of us to sleep over in. It was sweet because the rooms were like $200 rooms but because my friend Allison has a policeman as a father, we got a distcount of about $140!! It was soo nice. WE swam and Justin and Zach tried to teach Kara and I how to save them if they were to drown. At one point I was just slightly kicking Zach under water and Justin just had to laught at me. Another time I watched Justin "drown" and Zach was like hurry Amy! You have to save him and all I said was "I don't wanna save him". Haha. All in fun and games of course. Then when I went upstairs there were a ton of balloons and streamers and fruit snacks and pop and Krispi Kreme donuts, and it was just all so sweet of everyone. I had a really good time! We also played a couple of games of Mafia. Those were fun, especially when Molly kept saying key things in the game, so we'd have to start all over. It was absolutely funny! She laughed too. But yah! Most people left around 3:30 AM, but still paid me for the hotel, which was really sweet of everyone. Then Kara, Nate, and I fell into an amazing deep sleep into the pillow-top matresses! My bday continued the next day with a breakfast (that Nate paid for!) a movie with the Knapp family (no birthday is exceptional until you see the Knapps) and then I went to my mom's friend's barn party and then out to dinner with my brother and his wife, my parents, holly and Andrew, and Nate. It was awesome to see my brother and sister-in-law cuz I never get to see them. Then my mom had cake and I went home! Talk about a busy weekend!!!

The week was even crazier! Tuesday was Adam's birthday so Jen and I "kidnapped" him from work (we blindfolded him) and took him to Don Pablos where a bunch of us were waiting for him! yay! That was a really fun night. Then I had a bunch of people over on Wednesday to hang out and eat pasta and watch a movie (Mr. Brooks is a fantastic movie by the way, in case anyone wants to see it) Thursday was normal Grey's Anatomy night, followed by a wonderful sleepover at Jen's!

Friday was awesome because Zach, Erica, and Kristin Hoyles all decided to go to this thing downtown called The Soap Factory, and bascially they had created a haunted house downstairs! It was super fun and scary!! There were clowns, creepers standing in the dark, a girl who looked like she was from the Ring, chained to something, etc. I could go on, but it'd go on forever. Then we went out to Jen's house and Ali was waiting there for me!! I had NO idea!!! It was so exciting to see her and I jumped up on her and hugged her until she told me to get off. Haha. Then later that night I was playing ping-pong and this boy came to the basement window and started saying "Hi, I'm the neigbor from down...." and that's when it hit me, it was MASON!!! And for a refresher, Mason is Laura Koenecke's boyfriend and they BOTH live in Nebraska. So to see him at Jen's door, well... was insane! I knew then that Laura was here so I litterally went "EEEEEEE!!" And pushed him aside and ran out the door and found Laura! I hugged her like crazy and we were just laughing and being all excited. lol. It was just an awesome night and I didn't expect any of them to be there. Sure, I had to work in the morning, but it was worth being tired. It was like my birthday continued into the next weekend. I'm sooo glad I got to see both of them. I couldn't contain myself!! Anyway, I better jump to Saturday. Saturday we carved pumpkins at Adam's mom's house and ugh! It was just great. When I got there, I felt so safe and comfortable. I felt like I had walked back in time and was 16 again, where there were no worries and no friends that were not with us anymore. I wanted to stay there forever. We ate dinner and hung out, and carved pumpkins (mine wasn't too bad! It was winking! And for my third pumpkin ever, I say yes) lol. Everyone did a good job with their pumpkins, even though Anna cut herself! Silly girl. But I got to have some quality time with her, which is always wanted! Oh! And she had her wedding pictures in an album so I got to go through that. =)

So now here I sit on Sunday! It's been such a crazy week that I can't even shorten this blog. I apologize. I want to go on and talk about what it feels like to be 21, but I shouldn't. Not in this already extremely long blog. The last thing I will say is that Zach and I got tickets to the Lion King! YAY! It'll be a lot of fun and I can't wait to go! Justin and Adam inspired me to go. Haha. So i'm out! Goodbye all!!

<3>

A chance

So this an extremely different tone than last night, but I have some hopefully exciting news!!!

At work yesterday I found this magazine on the table called "Radio" and then I found out it was published in Minnesota (Dave Ryan was on the cover) so I took down the name of the Editor or whoever she was, and e-mailed her this morning. Well I ran a couple of errands and by the time I came back, she had already e-mailed me!!! She said she's sending my letter to a managing editor and she'll be in touch with me! They do have an internship program and I could probably do it over the summer! Isn't that exciting?? I mean I've really come to the conclusion that I wanna write for magazines if I stay in the journalism realm, and this would be a perfect opportunity. Like it would be a really cool internship to work for Seventeen Magazine, but this way I could start small, preferably in the same state. Baby steps right? Ahhhh!! i'm pumped. Now I just have to get writing again (I already have some ideas going for the radio at Bethel, and I'm going to our meeting to get a story on Thursday) So yah.... That is my exciting news and I hope everyone can be super excited with me!!

All that I know is I'm breathing... now

Nope, not the birthday rant and how wonderful all things are when it's that time of year. Just a thought process tonight. A very needed process that just happens and will continue to happen since I continue my habitual habit.

I can't tell whether I pushed too hard or not enough. Did I give up the good fight, or did I just stop? I can't think sometimes. It's easier to not think. Maybe I'm just not that person. It makes me think of all my insecurites, and then i have to sigh... and just keep breathing.

I don't know whether I should keep fighting or lay back and accept what things are. Nothing ever seems to work. Sometimes I get the picture of a dog, lying beside his owner, who is no longer breathing. He just sits there, waiting patiently for his owner. But it's a lost cause. Is it sweet or is it a lost cause? I know I'm in one of those moods where everything is a deep thought, but it needs to happen so you can evaluate your life and your friendships. So I might be over analyzing, but I don't think so.

JUST CALL

Two words can change so many things. So many feelings. So many thoughts. Just so many things. Don't lie about it. Don't cover up with excuses, be straight up with me. Dont' come to my birthday with your fake gestures and your fake friendship. Don't call me unless you intend to talk to ME. I accept babysteps. I really do. Anything is good. Let's just start with the calling (cuz you've already made some progress, and I feel like I should tell you "good boy" and pat you on the head like I would my dog.) Degrading yes, but maybe it'll make sense. I wanna talk to you and tell you the biggest things in my life, but you don't wanna listen. Why? Your one of the people I'm dying to tell, but I shouldn't waste my breath. You'll just say "oh."

~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

My birthday is coming up. I'm more excited than ever. I love birthdays, I always have. There is usually something that always goes wrong, so I can't get my hopes up for a normal birthday, but the thought is there. i'm excited. I get to see almost all the people that I love and cherish. And the people I can't... I know they mean well and they send me their best. It works. I love my friends. I'm going to be 21, a much celebrated year with alcohol and congrats and all that fluffy stuff. It's my golden birthday too. It makes me want to be little again, where all I wanted was my sister. My twin. I have this odd feeling for her right now, something feels like it's tuggin at my heart for her. Must be that twin thing. It does happen to us, those moments where we can sense each other. I'm having one of those...

Don't get me wrong, I'm not down, i'm not heartbroken.... i'm just thinking. Thinking out loud to the people who read this, who want to know what's going on. And that's what i do. I'm an open book.... you all should know that by now. Who would want to read something taht was just a summary of my life? I wouldn't even want to write that. Journals aren't always meant for that. Good yes, it helps me with my book, but it changes.... yah know??

**The pictures are just because... I dunno.. I love them and i love watching things change (sometimes for the better, sometiems for the worse) but I guess in the end.... change is inevitable....

I will end with my usual YAY for life and I'm just glad that life is and will work itself out. And only because of One person....

The house of plenty

Another has joined the clan. Yes yes, he loves being a Vergin and is very thankful for joining. It's Sammy the dog! (Oh man right??) my mom has bought yet another dog. I thought two was PLENTY.... oh man plenty And of course we have Kitkat (the cat) and the horse (be she doesn't live here) Personally, I would love to get rid of Lucy and keep Sammy. Sammy is cool and quiet and I dunno... its a sheltie and I like shelties. I grew up with a sheltie. But anyway, that's the animal news....

So.... this weekend was entertaining.... I went to Adam's with Justin and we had dinner and had ice cream with raspberries, and then of course did the best thing ever.... Justin and I beat Super Mario 3 on the old nintendo! Amazing huh? And we had to do it all in one sitting since you can't save. But we played every level and oh man. It was a lot of work, but we got through it. And everyone would agree with me when I say that I did most of the work. Justin was a little off. But hey, that's okay, I'll take my victory! =) I got a whole lotta respect. That's all that really matters. The only problem was we left at 3 AM and I had to work at 7:30 and pick up my sister from Eagen before that. As much as I didn't wanna do that, it turned out to be okay cuz she bought me coffee and we hung out for a while. It was good to see her. I worked and then ended up at Nate's for his birthday!!! YAY birthdays!! It was really chill and I liked that. We did a BBQ and ate cake and played pool, played cards, and talked. I think it really worked. Like it was extravagant but everyone was there to celebrate. =) I beat Nick in pool and lost twice to Zach. Haha. Oh man Zach is good. Also Nick and I creamed Justin and Nate in cards. We did so well. I mean in 20 tricks they took 0. HAHA. Take that boys. I was there until about 12:30 and then head to leave. I was so exhausted from the night before and I knew I wanted to get up for church so I thought it was a good time to leave. And now here I am, after church, after lunch, procrastinating from homework. Ah well. It can wait.

I absolutely love the fall. Not in a "oh it's nice" kind of way, but in a "AH IT IS SO AMAZING AND MAGNIFICENT" sort of way. Not only does it contain my birthday, but the leaves turn these absolutely amazing colors and the temperature isn't bad, and everything has that smell. The smell of fall. It's so distinct but so hard to describe. Between the smell and the feeling of fall, I just have to smile. That's the one thing I miss about Winona. Their falls were breathtaking. They have so many trees and since it is surrounding by bluffs, you just get this amazing view. Ok, sorry, outburst of fall....

Anyway, I should go. Oh yah, I colored my hair. and I love it. It's super dark but it's a good change. I've loved my hair dark for a long time and so it's good it finally happened. Heh. Ok, bye all!

Whose Life is it anyway?

hey guys. It's me. Glad to see you again. Agree? yep. Me too.

I feel kind of sad that I post less frequently in the past. I'm not sure what it means. My writing has not slowed, not by any means, but maybe it is I lost my vision of my blog. Ha. Is it just for meaningful and sporatic spurts of thought or is it a day to day planner that I share with everyone online? Is it for the enjoyment of the reader or simply for myself to learn and grow and to understand my own actions? who knows. I'm tinkering with it. We'll see. But no worries, I will continue to write because it's what I do best. That and I where my heart on my sleeve and must be open about myself!

So life had been great. I've really enjoyed it (minus some fallbacks) and I'm really glad that my classes are for my major/minor. I've complained about my creative writing class, which indeed it is rather mundane (read book, go over chapter in class, take notes, do a writing excercise out of the book, repeate) but when I'm on my own, when I'm doing my free writes, when I'm findin little sections in the book that make me more knowledgeable as a writer, that's when I learn. not in class that's for sure. But it still helps me. And I guess that's the point of the class right? I do however have to start journaling for the radio/newspaper which is a little bit more tricky. I think i'm just nervous because I haven't done it in so long and I fear I've lost my skill. And I probably have, but I just have to be perserverant and pick it up again. I think I can do it. woo!

I have Amanda Johnson's wedding this weekend, and as much as I didn't wanna go, it turned out to be awesome. It was really great to see her and I got to meet her husband for more than five minutes. He's a good guy and will treat her well and that's all that matters. My kindergarten teacher was also there and I could not believe it! Amanda didn't even know she was coming; she was a guest of someone else!! I talked to her for about fifteen minutes or so, and she said she remembered me!!! I dunno, she is an awesome lady and it makes me happy to go back to my childhood. Anyway, the dance was great, and watching Justin and Zach on the dance floor... well.... there's nothing else like it! Also Jen/Andrew/Keaters/her bf/Laura/Med/Kyle/Sam/Anna/John/Derrick were all there as well. I haven't seen derrick in a long time so that was good, and the rest, well we just had a good time laughing and dancing and eating and ah! Basically we all ended up dancing from 7:30-midnightish. My feet hurt in the morning! Laura also slept over which is always a little blessing!! She's back in Nebrasak now and I am sad, but I'll see her again!

Saturday was work and HOMECOMING!!! (Yes! it was Bethel Homecoming all week and we had Cheer Offs, Tug-of-wards, Car crams, relays, ect. I had so much fun I couldn't contain myself!) I met up with Alison, Kara, Erica, Justin, Joe, Zach, Charis, and Rachel. We beat Carelton 42-21 (talk about a bad game!) I have fun because Joe kept telling me what was going on, and I was taking a bunch of pictures with the girls and I just loooovee football. And I actually know a thing or two about it! Who knew?! lol. AFter that I hung out with Erica and Zach the rest of the night. WE had girly night him and he picked the movie, I did his nails (just buffed them and lotioned them... lol) and gave him a bag massage. I mean really he won in this situation. =) we also had a really good conversation about relationships and God and religions, and I dunno, it was something that was good for me. Then I had to bring him home and we tried to have an adventure, but we failed. But next time.... we did however run into Med and Kyle when we got his car from Justin's and talked to them for a while. Then I ended up in Buffalo with him to watch a movie but really it turned out that we talked to his mom til 2:30 and went to sleep!! I had a lot of fun with him!

Sunday was church (amazing by the way!! Opendoor.com.... listen to it!) and then I got lunch/breakfast/brunch?? with Jen, Adam, Marlise, Nick, and Kara! It was wonderful to see everyone, especially my mar mar!!! Then I did homework, blah blah blah, and went to Vespers and got to see Nate and Sarah and Justin and Kara! Ahhh vespers. It's been a little off lately which I'm kind of disappointed about, but it'll pick up again. It's the beginning of the year.

Ok, i've once again typed your ear off. yes, it is possible. who knew!! I shall go! Have a wonderful week all and I will try to write more!

-Amy

Short Story

The Town

Nevaeh really knows me. I've been a ctizen for years and never really noticed it until now. I just haven't been there for some time. A friend of mine just moved there, said the scenery was to die for. Said he just couldn't stay away. Said he couldn't really explain it though. I found that odd. I asked if there were trees, deserts, mountains, rivers, or anything else and he said I'll have to see for myself. I can't say I'm not intrigued. i asked if his place allows animals but he said to each his own. I shrugged off his stupid riddle and asked him for directions and he said I should already know. I said I didn't but he was persistant. I found it odd that he seemed so blissful. His smile was always content, his posture always perfect. I enede the conversation with him and told him I'd talk to him tomorrow. I found that the phone service isn't the best out there though. For weeks I tried to get ahold of him, but there was always a busy signal. Ifnally, he called me and asked to play some baseball at a friend's house. Confused, I questioned him but decided it was wasn't worth it and i'd rather see him than argue his unusual disappearance. I asked him how he was liking Nevaeh and he was more than ready to talk about how wonderful it was. But again there were no descriptions about what was so great. I said to him that he had better give me something. You won't even let me visit you and this is all absurd I told him. It's been weeks since I've seen you. That's the way it goes in Nevaeh, your just busy and get to people when you can. As for visiting, he told me it wasn't time. I asked him if hadn't finished moving in but he said that that was done long ago. I thought that this was for sure a cult. Some eerie cult that he had stepped into. I grabbed him by the shoulders and pleaded with him. I love you I said. I can't get you out of my head I said. How am I supposed to live without you in my life? I need to see you more than just every couple of weeks! He was still very calm and held my hand tightly his eyes were fiercely brown and for a moment I lost my breath. I started to cry but he continued to smile. He hugged me with such intesity that the world slowed down for a moment and it was just us on a bench. Everyone else was frozen in time. He kissed my forehead and he told me that he loved me too. I asked him if he could move back from Nevaeh but he said things just can't go back to how they were. As much as he loved me and everyone else he told me that he was staying there and he was going to see me less and less. But how can you love me and leave me at the same time I asked. He ignored the question and got up from the bench. It was his turn to bat next. He ignored that too. He walked away from the game and down the driveway to the street. I screamed his name sobbing and trying to chase after him but he would not let me follow. We'll meet again, just be patient he said. Move on from here he said still so calm and peaceful. He left and he I still called out his name in a wailing tone. Travis Travis Travis don't go.

pri*mal= ORIGINAL, PRIMITIVE 2: First in importance

School School School! how I love thee! How I love to be surrounded by friends and books, late nights and Vespers, movies and shopping, learning and living. Homework doesn't even stress me out yet. I love the homework! It's everything I wanna do! This is why people love college! Once you get past most of your Gen. Eds, your good to go! I think it's funny also that we become these people we never thought we'd be.... I mean at the age of 6 or 7 we think we'll never leave our parents, that we wouldn't mind living with them when we are thirty because we adore them and don't know how to function without them. Now here we are escaping from them, feeling that sense of freedom the second we set our stuff in our dorm. And it's not even because you now dislike your parents, but it's just time. God creates these "clocks" within us and I guess somewhere between freshman year and now, it went off, telling me I wanna be on my own.

I think we also all need to take a class in forgiving. I think we hold on to things for no reason. Yes, the person may have hurt us, or gone against their word, or something equally devastating. But Kara and I were talking about it and really, it's a win win situation to forgive. One, the Lord says to forgive. Forgive those who trespass against you.... that should be reason enough. Two, if you don't forgive someone, it'll destroy them. I know that's kinda hard to understand, but like look at this scenario. I had a friend who did something very wrong in my eyes, and I was left to feel horrible. I held it against him, hating him for what he tried to do. But we eventually talked and I forgave him because I didn't feel right hating him. And it turns out he wanted to change and changed a lot of things in his life and I'm here to support him for that. He needed me because his friends weren't the best influence and he needed someone to listen and help him get through some rough times. I can not just sit back and watch someone drown. I just can't. If God can give us a second, third, fourth, and a fifth chance, can't we be the same?

Lets see... now for some not so deep thoughts. Life has been crazy for me, especially in the last couple of weeks. I mean I went to Nebraska for Laura's birthday with Zach, Kara, and Justin. That was an amazing time. We got to have some quality with Mason and Laura, we sung Kareoke, explored Lincoln and Omaha, and swam every night. It was just nice to spend time with someone who lives so far away from you! So yay to her and her birthday! Besides that, there has been the whole moving in process. That has been crazy. I've had to pack and unpack my whole life within four days, settle in, and reconnect with all my school friends. It's just crazy! I've seen so many people I know in this last week of school, and it's been good! I enjoy all of them, and just can't see where this year takes us. Oh yes, and as I said, school is just so amazing. I love my classes, I love my teachers, and I love being challenged in the way I need to be challenged. Odd statement I know, but it's true. I'm just saying that this will be an interesting year, and I feel that I'm really gonna grow as a person. YAY!

Anyway, this weekend was good! Full of adventures! I went to Molly's and watched Shooter and fake played guitar and had a nice long convo with molly! I worked on Saturday and then hanging out with seward from late afternoon till late morning of Sunday. We shopped, talked, saw my sister in Eagan, went out to eat, went to St. Thomas, to Bethel, and back to her car in Plymouth. It was just really nice to have that time with her and I dunno. I enjoyed it. We also got to see Jen, Zach, Michael, and Kara. Always a blast!!! OH OH OH!! That reminds me, my birthday plans are in order! We have three options for people to choose from so anyone reading this should read carefully, and pass it on so we can get this stuff underway!

BIRTHDAY PLANS- OCTOBER 20th- OCTOBER 21st
*FIRST- For the few who have the money and would love to listen to these bands, Relient K and Switchfoot are playing at Concordia University and I wanna go with people. Tickets are $20 + shipping and handling. Go to ticketmaster whenever cuz the seats are standing room only so we all dont' have to buy them at the same time, ,just tell me if your coming!
*SECOND- For those who don't want to spend too much money, or can' treally do the other things, I wanna do a dinner or desert somewhere. Just be in a group atmosphere. It'd be really nice to see everyone, and i've noticed that for all our 21st birthdays, we've been in huge groups, and I like that. =) So this all has to be determined still, but I say yes.
*THIRD- I'm thinking of renting a hotel room for the night in minneapolis. We're looking into prices and places, but It'll probably be $10-$20 per person. That's why it's for those who are willing, don't feel bad if you don't want to. I jsut wanted to do something out of the ordinary.

I am saying all of this in advance so if you wanna come and hang out, you can just put some money aside... .you have over a month, so I think it's a good amount of time to know what's going on. I hope all of you show up for at least one of the events! YAY birthdays! Spread the word!

Anyway, time to go. Time to do homework (yay!) I love you all and I'll write more later!

Amy <3

How is that even though I almost 21 years old, shark fruitsnacks are the most amazing substance ever?

This will be short and sweet considering I have to be up early and have way too much on my plate to accomplish the tasks set forth to me in the few days left of this week. School starts. A couple of us are going down to Nebraska. I work everyday. I have to somehow pack up my life onece more and move in BEFORE I leave for Nebraska but AFTER I work! Ahhh. What a rush it all is. Plus I mean I have less than a week of summer left. Who knew it'd fly by so fast. Oh crap, that reminds me, i have to sell my books. hmmm.... And go to the eye doctor. Maybe I shouldn't be spending time doing this? nah...

I don't have too much to say. My creative juices aren't really flowing, other than the fact that I absolutely love my title to this blog. haha. Oh yes, and if your reading Steve, HEY STEVE!!! Now you've officially been mentioned in my blog... assuming you still read it. Still can't believe you read this. haha. It makes me wonder how many people out there that I don't know are reading this. Who talks about it? Who thinks it's actually good? (haha... .I know... funny thought). Well, I don't write for people anyway. I mean it's all fine and dandy that people read this (It is online.... It's not like I can think this is personal information...) and if they don't, well... whatever.

I'm really excited to start up some journalism classes. With taking a semseter off and doing nothing directed towards my major what-so-ever last semester, I'm getting a little antsy. Will I like writing? Did I grow out of it? Will i have what it takes? or will I really wanna focus on my Creative Writing minor and go on with that? Oh the possibilities. Either way, I think it's a great oppurtunity to be dabbling in all atmospheres of writing. Then I can really find my niche. yay!

Well in other news, my book is near completion... of the first draft. lol. It's got a LOT of work ahead of it, but I think I can do it. I'm starting to get really excited for it be done and am really hurrying sections that I may or may not keep in the second rough draft. Oh man though, getting this close is a dream come true. I never thought it'd really happen. I mean this has been a work in progress since i was 16! That was almost FIVE YEARS AGO!!! Well guys just wish my luck though my last stages of this thing!!

Ok, I'm burnt out.... and this all probably doesn't make sense. But hey? when does it?

<3>

Why not?

I figure with a new reader and all, (hey ryan), I'd write a little post. VERY little though. It is late, and I do work in the morning. Sigh. But at least it's at 10:30 and not 6:30. I win

Have I mentioned summer is grand? All worries that I had earlier, well, they've floundered. They disapparated (right word?) well, at any rate, they've just disappeared. I've accepted change. I've accepted growing up, I've just learned to deal. My friends are still there, I'm still getting tan and wakeboarding and reading and writing etc. etc. It's just different. And that's okay. Plus, I've also noticed this small little thing in me that has decided that I REALLY REALLY wanna go back to school. HA! who knew that I had that in me? I know going to school has been a struggle to me (complete understatement) but I mean this desire is like I miiiiissssss the atmosphere. It's great. I do actually get to move in on the 31st which helps out a lot (i'm visiting miss Laura again for her birthday so it makes things not soo... complicated.)

AH! My friend is home!! Everyone say huzzah! Ah! I love having her home. I feel a peace within me, like the puzzle is back together. I think it's great that she was out doing youthworks stuff and I totally applaud her for it, but it is nice to have her back. I know, call me greedy. Really... but I like to keep my friends close to me. ESPECIALLY when they run off to Rome for Spring Semester! lol. Whatev... i'll write a book and go on tour.

So.... my new music and book obessions:
Imogen Heep (preferably Hide and Seek)
Tegan and Sara (their new CD in its entirety [sp?])
Colbie Calliat (most of the CD)
Shawn McDonald (Take my Hand + the rest of the CD)
BOOK: A Heartbreaking work of staggering genius (Dave Eggers- thanks ryan, it's amazing so far)
I'm just completely head over heels for all of them! I just need money to buy their CD's. Sigh... when will that happen? once all bills are paid off (haha) and I pay for my doctor check up and contacts and eye check up and oh yes.... paying for glasses! boo. Oh well. That's what happens when you lose them in Montana like 3 years ago.

Ok, bedtime! I've wasted enough time on really nothing important whatsoever. But people still read it and I will look back and read it, so I guess i've done my job.

Love <3>

love love love lo.... ugh really?

"I LOVE love"

Who has heard me say this statement? I'm sure everyone reading this can. It's true. I love it. I get all mushy and gushy and I want nothing more than for people to be happy. No doubt. I am the person to come to if you want someone to swoon just as much as you do. Just not right now.

I mean as I write this I am listening to "when your gone" by miss Avril, and I can't help but want to have that love for someone, but honestly guys... this sucks. And I'm not writing this blog to have everyone make me feel better or tell me 'oh he's out there'... yes I know I realize that. But when everyone (and I mean everyone) around you is happy and with someone, you feel like crap. I am a mere 20 years old, and I feel like i'm the old maid that people look at funny cuz I don't have anyone. And unfortunately I am not Justin and I can't be okay with this. Like wonderful John and Anna are MARRIED... Laura and Mason, Kara and her dater boy, Marlise and her fairytale with Nick, Sam and Robbie, Ali and Josh, Lee and Mary, Jen and Andrew, Holly and Andrew... it's just a lot to handle. It became very apparent how much of an oddball I am at this point two nights ago. I wanted to go on the zipper because people were going to the carnival, but anna was going with john and Marlise was going with Nick. And like, I've never been SHUNNED from something because of the fact that I am single. And it's not that I have to be involved with everyone, by no means do I mean that. I just feel sad, and people have to understand that. I'm not a person who is good with being alone. I love having someone there for me. So what should you do? cut back. obviously I'll ask about some stuff. but just take a breather. I need it.

On something entirely different, my little Sarah Fleming got crowned as Miss Delano!!!! YAYAYAYAYYA!!! I'm so excited for her and I think she'll do a really good job. That's who she is. She's a leader and awesome and ahh! Now I'm done!!! I think the program (delano royalty program) has really changed for the better and these are part of the making of the new program. It should be good. =) So kudos to all those ladies.

Why is it that sometimes you just wanna hang out with certain friends? and no one take this the wrong way, but there are just some friends I miss dearly. For example, Laura or Jen. I NEVER see them since one lives 6 hrs. away and one is on a missions trip. agh I dunno. Luckily I see both in a month or so. Happy day. or there are some people who i miss that I know really well and never give sick of and would like nothing more than hang out for the sake of hanging out. And why don't I ever get sick of these friends? What quality do they have that makes me want to be around them all the time? it's a bizarre friendship really. It makes no sense.

I've been getting a little bit excited about my plans for this fall. I mean yes obviously school, but I'm getting some new plans in my mind as well, and it's gonna be good. What am I talking about? Well just involving God and how I plan to be active in His life. And why wait till fall? Well it is all about location since I go to school and live on campus. I wanna be doing more stuf this summer which I have been doing (like going to church on Sat. and Sun. and trying to have more meaningful conversations) but yah.... pray about that. I'm excited.

Oh yes, Happy July to one and all! The 4th was over just a few days ago, and Sonshine is soon to follow next week. Sonshine is the highlight of my life. Well okay.. maybe that much, but you get the point. I LOVE being there. The sweat, the tears, the rain, the sun, the heat, the humidity, the people, the dirt, all these things would usually drive me up the wall, but because I love Sonshine so much, it all just fades away. It's just that you don't remember the bad stuff (and if you do, it's becaue it was funny later ) it's always the good stuff. The only hitch is that no one is going, minus nate, mitch and I. It's just an odd concept to not have hordes of people all go down. I'm not used to it. I love the group, that's half the fun! But I will go on because again I love Sonshine and it's worth it.

Okay, tired. me go sleepy. mmmm bye wonderfuls!

Summer Days Drifting Away...

Ah... glorious summer. How I love thee. How I wish I could live these three months over and over and over. I play cards, eat out, go swimming in various pools, get tan (naturally), play boche ball, wash cars, watch movies, and then do it all over again. It's been such a good summer now that I only work one job. I can't believe how stressed I felt when I had the two. Now it just feels simple. I must say that this weekend was the best thus far. I haven't had much time to actually be out in the daylight, so I spent the last two days soakin' it up to the max. I had a royalty car wash on Sat. from 9-12 and then Sarah, Justin, Nate, and I went to Peppermint Twist to get famous shakes and some lunch. From there Justin, Sarah, and I played around in her pool for a couple hours. Surprisingly I got a workout! My stomach and legs are sorta sore today! It was such a good afternoon with them. I'm not sure why it was that great, but it felt... calming. But anyway, from there we went to Jake H's grad party where I found Kara (*obviously) and Marlise! I took Mar Mar with me to Emily from my work's grad party because I promised her I'd be there. She is going to school in New York (NYU) and oh man... she is so talented with art, I can't even begin to describe her talent. Her photos could be so real and so unique and so... just wow. I'm very proud of her. I've worked with her for 2 years and I've never seen this side of her. It was good to see her outside of work. =) Then we all hung out at Kara's house. We took a bajillion pictures of ourselves with her new computer, and I think we laughed way too hard for such a normal thing. It's good though. Then we watched Garden State, which is ALWAYS good. Justin had gone home half way through and then Nate and I went to his house later that night.
So today was a good day at village church (Dan Fair did a sort of a Jay Leno skit for Father's Day) and then Kara and I had a lovely lunch at Chipotle. How is it that that place never gets old? I mean really.... haha. From there we went to Baker Park and played Volleyball with Lee, Mary, Sam, Robbie, and Kelly. It was a different group and I really enjoyed it. Then Kara and I could not resist the temptation of Jamba Juice, so we went over to Plymouth. It was sooo good. And if you have never tried it, then seriously waste the four or so dollars to get something that taste amazing AND is good for you! you won't regret it. Then we headed to Kelly's house and swam and played boche ball and just sat around by the pool. It was super relaxing. So between the last two days I've become more tan then when I went tanning for a month. go figure. A real summer tan is much better anyways. YAY SUMMER!!!
This summer, I've noticed, has been different then most. Not in a sense that you can see it with your naked eye, but something on a much deeper level. We are growing up, and I may have said this before, but it's true. We all have jobs and we are all becoming more mature (in a sense... haha). Friendships are changing (for good and bad) and I find myself not just hanging out with a set group of friends, but a mix of them all. I mean it's become very clear that if I want to keep all my friends, I have to be willing to mix it up a bit. I love Anna and John, but they aren't always able to come hang out with us, so I go to them. Or Lee, or Mary, or Kelly, or Marlise, or anyone. I have to put effort into it whereas before we'd all be in the same place and just hang out all the time. Which is fine, I'll work harder! =) It's just interesting that life changes so quickly and you barely even see it coming.
Okay, update done, I'm gonna go clean and then somehow busy myself for the rest of the night. Later lovelies!

Amy

Let's play "How do you really feel" game

I've decided that that game is really cool. It's funny the things people DON'T say even though it's how they really feel. I've played this with a few people, including myself, and wow... there is a lot to be said... about everything. A lot of it is stuff you don't say cuz it's too personal or it might hurt someone, so it's not like we are being two faced, but I think it's important to let this stuff out sometimes.... if you haven't played it with me yet, please do so. I'm up for listening and I'm very good at keeping these things secrets...

Anywho... life is good. Busy, but good. I can't believe it's been so long since I wrote last. I just had finals, and then I've been working two jobs for the last two weeks, so writing on this was a no go. I have two more days at Panera which is so exciting I can't even contain myself. Wells Fargo is a lot of work. We are only doing training now but it's eight hours a day for two weeks. It's a lot. I just hope I do okay when I actually get to my store. Oh yah, my grades weren't the best, I'm actually quite disappointed with myself... but I did work a lot so I have SOME reason for them to not be good. But fingers crossed for next semester.

A lot of my friends graduated in the last week or two. It's amazing how fast everyone grows up. I find it to be such an important event in people's lives, yet not very many agree with me. It's such a big stepping stone. You have done it, your out of this world and into the next. The next chapter of your life is beginning, be AMAZED by this. Like Sarah, Jake, Ashely Oeffling, Jamie Barnes, Colleen Thomas, Lizzy Seward, etc... it's insane!! It one makes me feel very old, and two, makes me very excited to see where life takes them. Who knows. But I hope they all put their best foot forward... whatever that means. whatever guys... CONGRATULATIONS!!! =)

My dear dear Jen L. is gone for the summer. Luckily we have been able to talk every week and so I can breath easier. I just wish she was around because I've become so attached to her that it's hard to not be able to go see her whenever I want. But I do have RORY so I cannot complain. He's a good stuffed animal, I must say. Always quite, always behaves... ha ha. But Jen I love you and can't wait to see you again!!

This summer is different then all the other ones I've experienced. Maybe for the better in the long run, but it feels worse right now. It's called growing up. Too much has happened in our lives and we all have to move on eventually. I 've found that I love my friends, even if we don't encourage each other more like we should, and I feel almost like it's an obligation to stay together, for Travis' sake. That no one will know him like we knew him, and I don't want to be with other people that won't understand anything about him. But I dunno.... we all have to grow up eventually right? Adam and Mike live in Richfield, I work 40hrs a week 8-4 Mon-Fri. Marlise works like two jobs, Justin is busy with his house, Nate has a job too... Life is just hitting us and we can't stop it, we can't turn around. We can't be out on the boat everyday, we can't hang out every night, I can't stay out late anymore, but again... this is us growing up. I do think we need to be closer in the sense of our spirituality side because we all seem to be floundering and pulling everyone around us down with us... if that makes sense. I think we all feel it. I feel lost, Justin, nate, Sarah..... so it seems only natural that'd we help one another instead of ignoring it. I think it's something we have to work on. We really should, for our own sake. We'll see what happens.

I got really sick last night. Like SUPER sick..... a little something called TSS... the boys won't know what that is.... and i'm not going to explain what it is either. But my heart rate was twice as fast as everyone else's, my skin hurt, I couldn't stop shaking, I was cold in places that it wasn't cold, my eyes were bloodshot, I couldnt' think straight, apparently I acted completely high/drunk, my hands are extremely swollen, I threw up (which seems to be the norm), among other things. It was not fun, and it def. was not pretty. But hey, I had some good conversations somehow. Lol. But I thank you Justin and Nate for taking care of me. I really super appreciate it. Oh yes, and Thanks Sarah for worrying. Your too cute

Anyway, it's time for me to go. I love you all.

The He Said She Said Game

I just wrote a poem, entilted the title for this blog. It's fantastic, it's raw, it's straight from the heart. I would love to post it, but yet I feel I would be raising a little bit of uneasieness.... if that makes sense. I mean you all have to take this as hypothetical, otherwise hmm.... it'd be interesting. Lol.

The He said She said Game


If you were to come back, come back and tell me something new
That you had always loved me, that your heart had always been true
You’d imagine us together, like we’d never been apart,
You’d tell me that’d you would never let me go, that you were in it from the start
But think again, you were wrong; I’m not in it this time
Don’t give me that look, you knew this was coming, don’t make me tell you why.

I had been the one with the dreams, the one with the hopes, the one with the smiles
And from what I knew, you were feeling just as I did, we were unified.
But then you started playing the game,
And giving me the blame,
I was clingy, you were better, I wasn’t good enough for you
If you were in it from the start, why am I the one with the broken heart?
If you knew I was the one, then why were these words coming undone?
From inside of your mouth to the girl you like
Is it fair to me? No not at all

I was there too, don’t you forget that
I saw everything that happened, and believe me, my memory was better than yours.
Don’t deny what you said, you’ve told me the truth before,
But if you were lying from the start, I want to see you out that door
Into the world where I won’t see you anymore
I just wish you would have been honest, instead of killing me to the core.

So now the roles are switched, and your saying you want me back,
You say these things never happened that I shouldn’t believe everything I hear.
Well too late for that, it seems the others told me more than you did

I will still be friends with you no matter what you did or do to me
Because I was the one that was sincere, you were everything I wanted you to be
You chose the ‘he said she said game’ whereas I never wanted to play the game
So live with the choices you’ve made
I can’t be there anymore for you, don’t expect me to
I’m done, I’ve had it, I’m through with you


Ah it gives me shivers. Mmm... I like it. I dunno. I just felt driven to write as I was walking back from a girl's dorm. And you guys don't have to agree, that's the beauty of poems. It means what you want, you write what you want and what you feel, and well, people will like it or they won't. And I'm not worried or afraid that people will take it the wrong way because well, whatever. I shouldn't hide who I am or what i think beause this is my blog. So speak away I will do. Haha.

Well welcome to my 100th post, I must say I'm glad I'm still writing. My goals haven't changed from what I started this my Freshman year. I still strive to be a writer, an excellent writer at that, and I hope that this is what God wants me to be for it'd be a shame to have such a talent and not use it. Considering this is my best talent. =) With school winding down and life moving in fast forward once again, I feel nervous about where I'll end up. But I won't bore you with that, I've said it before and you know that prayers are always welcomed.

I said goodbye to my dear friend Jen, and wish she didn't have to go. But life moves on and she will be back. She will be doing amazing things and she's doing things right up her alley, so kudos for taking that leap.

My dad is finally in rehab and I found out the other day that he has a sense of humor, and go figure, it's where I got my humor. I enjoyed seeing that side of my dad. Granted, it's going to be a long time before I really understand what it means to have a father, but I see that it is something that could happen. And I think I'm excited. I could have a family!!!

I start my job next week, and I couldn't be more scared and happy and refreshed all at the same time. Its such a good oppurtunity, praise god.

Anna is a Patnode now, and I still an't believe my ears and eyes. It's so amazing that they have each other and that they are so strong in their faith. I think it's safe to say that this is what we are all looking for and I hope that we all find it. Congrats to both of you and I wish I had the right words to explain my loe for you both.

I know this is long, and my room mate is turning of the light, so it is now time to go to bed. God bless you all and happy trails and so forth.

HELLLOOOOOOOO SUMMMER!!!!

The Heart of Life

I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears And listen
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good
You know, it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
But, then your circle of friends
Will defend the silver lining
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good
I know it's good

I've never really listened to John Mayer... until I found all these CDs at work. I must say, he's good. Really good. I like the way he plays his guitar and the way he sings. And his words are really cool. This song, well, it's very true. Like bad news ALWAYS has bad timing. Since when was there good timing for that kind of stuff? But friends do make the silver lining... your friends are there to put you back up on your feet, whenever your ready that is. So even though friends can't always make you happy and can sometimes do the exact opposite, they are still there through thick and thin and that's why I love them.

So yes... sorry about my blogs. It happens. I'm a girl. I get emotional. But I always comeout of it with a new outlook on life. I can't say I'm not nervous for the weeks and months to come. I have a lot of things going on in my life and not sure what to make of it. I mean with John and Anna's wedding (which is one of the most exciting things of the year! I LOVE YOU BOTH!) And then my dad being in rehab, and trying to figure out how I'm going to pay for school next year AND starting a new job this summer (which is again a very good thing but scary) well it's a lot to take in! Change is good, or at least that's what people tell me. Even if it is a good thing, it always seems so stressful and painful in the meantime. But it's funny how God works. I never know what to expect. And I shouldn't want to. Sometimes I think it'd be easier. But who said life was gonna be easy right?

Sorry, I'm in a thoughtful mood. So yes.. this week is full of beggings and endings. So it goes. (haha nate)

Would you rather...

This is an easy one:

Would you rather be doomed to die alone because of who you are and you will never change no matter how much you beg and plea with yourself.... which somehow only makes it worse and then you hide it until months later it retaliates and is mad that you tried to change whatever it was that was holding you back in the first place

--OR--

Live a happy life where you find that "Mr/Mrs Right" and fall in love and ride away on a white stallion, or carriage if you are afraid of horses.

Easy huh? Well then how come it isn't that easy. I think I'm broken. Take me back where you got me from and get me fixed. yay thanks!

I know.... really random for most of you. and don't worry, I'm not depressed or dying or uh.... "special" I'm half kidding.... jen gets it. oh man does she get it. heh heh. ....... boo.

Whatever... that's why I'm at Bethel (not the ONLY reason... silly people)... I need to meet someone. Or just learn how to make friends with guys again cuz I'm lacking in that category. I have had my friends for a long time which is fantastic, but they can't be at school with me and it makes me sad taht I have very little boy interaction. I mean there's justin... sometimes... and jesse... .even fewer than justin. If anyone knows why i'm failing at meeting a guy, please tell me what I'm doing wrong! Answers, yes?

Okay, I'm ranting and raving like a 5 year old hopped on sugar. =)

Hey there Delilah

You are my breath of fresh air


Mmmm to have someone to say that to you. I'm down for that. Sorry... mini outburst of emotion. I think it's what happens when you watch too much grey's anatomy. heh. Go figure. And the title of today's blog is from the band Holly showed to me, Plain White T's. It's a fantastic song really. I think couples would like it a lot. =) You get all melty inside.

Sorry about the last entry. I had every right to be upset. But you move on and you discuss things and you get better. It doesn't mean the situation is that much better, but it means that I know that my friends care, they just need to be reminded on how to do it. lol. Just keep praying for me guys.... all I'll say is pray for my dad.

Tomorrow is friday and I get to go to a rootbeer keg thanks to Dusty Littlefield. haha. They are doing root beer pong and some other stuff and I just find it absolutely hysterical. BASICALLY I get to look like a badass without actually being one. It should be really fun. Also on Sat. I MIGHT see Spiderman 3, we'll see how it goes though (I=poor girl) Sat. night I will be home and Sunday I work again.... and sometime I really need to do homework because I did nothing all week. That's right, I relaxed and slacked immensely. Does that make me horrible? probably. Do I care at this present time? Nada. I did, however, do a really good job on my last CWC Test. I got a sold B. Now of course to some (all the really smart and dedicated students) it's not THAT great, but I'm very very proud of that. Go me!

Okay, this is short and sweet, but it's bedtime and I still have to exercise. Then sleepy time! YAY. Good night one and all

Oh yah... 14 days until my two wonderful friends tie the knot. Prayers to them!

Amy

Cuz you were all too stupid to get it

Sure... it's not a big deal... to YOU GUYS. You have no freaking idea what I'm going through and all you can come up with is "Oh, that's not a big deal, it happens all the time"

So am I meant to believe that if things "happen all the time" then they lose their meaning? Oh, well I guess nothing is a big deal anymore is it?

I expected my friends to get me the most. I dont' expect them to make me happy, that's impossible, but I DO expect them to be there for me. i'm sinking guys... I'm sinking fast and I feel like I'm drowning and I can't swim and I just need a hand to pull me up. But instead you are selfish and use your hand for other things.

If this were happening to ANY of you, I'd be there in a heart beat. I was there for Kara when she was dealing with her cancer stuff. I was there for the knapps when they lost their son. I was there for Adam when him and Holly split. I was there for Molly when she got into her accident. The point is... I was there. And no one can be there for me because they don't want to.

I see where my friendships lie

My 95 Theses

hah Just kidding. It's my 95th post so I figured I'd just be silly. Haha fooled you all... yah... anyway....

Today is Assesment day which means NO CLASSES!! Huzzah!! No classes is like breathing the freshest air possible. It's amazing. It re-energizes you. It brings sanity. Deep sigh... oh yah.

So I'm sorry the last blog was, well, right down depressing. But it needs to be said. That's the point of my blog. I need to say the things I'm thinking and what's going on in my life, otherwise this thing is useless and a complete waste of time. My father could die, I realize that, but he could also live and life could be good. Who knows what will happen. I just pray that God gives me the strength to handle whatever happens. And thanks for the prayers guys... it meants a lot.

Besides that... I get to register for classes today! I'm kinda nervous because I think I'm taking way too many writing classes. Which is fine. I love writing. And they are going to be classes I enjoy. I mean Intro. to creative writing? Great Writers? Feature writing for Magazines? I'm set man. =) I'm really excited to see where next year will take me considering all these classes are for my major and my minor. Oh man..

I love my friends. I know you all know that. But I really do. I enjoy each and every one of you. From Jen and her spunkyness, to Adam and his listening ability, to Kara and her silliness when she's with me, to Sarah and her young fresh eyes, to Mike and his wisdom, to Nate and his love for music, to Justin and his... Justiness? And every one else!! there are too many people to list and list why I love them oh so much. Just know that I love you and you guys are my family!

I had a really interesting conversation with Justin last night. Basically it stemmed from a conversation Mike and Justin were having, and then an argument Kara and Justin were having. Justin parked my car with me and we just started about talking about Predistination, and the idea of free will and what the purpose is for anything. And I mean of course you have the main answer of "who are we to ask?" which almost feels like a copout answer because you could say that for anything. It almost feels like when you ask your parents why they won't let you do something and they say "Because I said so" But Justin pointed out that God has a plan and then he made a comparison to pots. Like we could make two pots and choose one to be used for washing dishes and one to be the centerpiece on your table. But if the pot were to ask you why, you would say because you just picked one. It's not about being fair... the pot doesn't know what fair even means. (Where I said, well crap I have a talking pot! i'm rich! yes, I stay focused) I dunno. We literally stood and talked for an hour about just different ideas and God and I think it was really cool. I mean of course I can't completely side with him since I don't know much about any other viewpoints but he made some valid points and also answered some questions, or at least attempted to answer my questions. Just something to consider...

Okay, too much to do in such a little time! Later guys!

P.S.-I'm gonna miss you Jen. So.... I have to see you lots and lots before you leave. But CONGRATS AGAIN!!!! ((((((((HUG A 100 TIMES))))

Like it or not, it's coming

I know, your thinking... two posts in one week, amazing. But this one won't be happy nor will it be long. It will be a moment of panic and worriedness. It'll be of my deepest feelings at this present time.

My dad is going to die

No, not this instant, and not in the next few days, but soon. He told my mom he stopped drinking (which he did). unfortunately he started again, and i think it's worse than ever. From Easter until now, he has already had 12 large bacardi bottles or whatever he drinks now. It's just really hitting me that he won't be here. He's never been a really good father to me. But... that doesn't mean I dont' want him around. I don't know his life, I don't know how he really feels... nothing. I've tried, but nothing. And to imagine that I won't have someone to walk me down the aisle when I get married, well... it's too much to bare.. my heart hurts guys. And with this being the week of the Travis thing, I'm just super emotional. It's too much stress on my heart. Please pray for me.. or for him. I'm just at a loss for words.