Explanations

I just thought it would be awesome to get some quotes from writers. To explain why we do it, how we do it, and the humor that lies within. :)

"The first draft of anything is sh*t." Ernest Hemingway

"All writers are vain, selfish and lazy, and at the very bottom of their motives lies a mystery. Writing a book is a long, exhausting struggle, like a long bout of some painful illness. One would never undertake such a thing if one were not driven by some demon whom one can neither resist nor understand." -- George Orwell

"Real writers are those who want to write, need to write, have to write." Robert Penn Warren

"You only learn to be a better writer by actually writing." Doris Lessing

"Anybody can make history. Only a great man can write it." Oscar Wilde

You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you." Ray Bradbury

"And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt." Sylvia Plath

"Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart." William Wordsworth

"Every writer I know has trouble writing." Joseph Heller


Love it. We may be crazy for writing, but it's like we can't help it. I sit here editing my book, laughing at parts and frowning at others that need some help. But still I sit here amazed at what I have done in six years. So what if it takes another six to get it out into the world? The point is that it happened. Travis would be proud and he's the only one I'm trying to prove anything to. He is the only one that matters in this story. I love him for that. I love him for the time he was here and the things he accomplished. Whether we forget or move on, we all know Travis was better then us. God needed a good sidekick. :)

To you Travis. You are my inspiration.

I'm back!

Oh my goodness. That was an unwanted period of time without any updates!! My computer hates me and I'm forced to use other people's when I do this. But someday. Yes, someday, a new one will find it's way to me and I shall name it Petyon and it'll be my Peyton forever. :)

Well happy belated birthday to me, and to many others who have birthdays in October! It was quite a month. Let's see what I remember. Plus, it's late and I cannot stay up on this thing all night!

I love my roomie Megan. She's awesome. Nothing what I thought she would be like a year ago before we went on our Hawaii trip. Funny how first impressions take hold of us so strongly. She is someone I would love to know the rest of my life. And it's also nice that rent is really cheap. It makes me life so much easier. The rest of the roommates are good too, but megan is just top notch. Haha. For those out there that not have met her, do so! I promise you won't regret it.

OH yes, how could I forget. I FINISHED MY ROUGH DRAFT FOR MY NOVEL!!!!!!! How Epic right??? I thought so. :) Oh my goodness, what day was it??? It was the beginning of October, that I know. I cried twice I was so happy. The feeling of printing off a document of 312 pages and feel the weightiness in your hands and to smell the freshly inked paper....ahhhhh.... goodness what a day that was. Yes, I do have a LOT of work left. and No, it will not be published anytime soon, but think of the progress that has been made! I'm that much closer to being a real live author! Fingers crossed for a year of editing and then to publication! EEK!

Seward dressed me up as a whimsical cupcake, Holly and I finally got to get fun drinks together, Alyssa is amazing when she lives in Minnesota, Ali's coming to visit, this world has had too many secrets lately, 15 people came out for my birthday dinner, and I got to see John and Anna in Michigan! It's been busy to say the least. But a good busy. It's definitely a relief after this dreadful summer. Oh, and I just heard of a 5k on the radio on Thanksgiving that sounds like a blast! Any takers? eh? eh?

Finally, I love serving. I've been doing it for a few months now and I'm slowly getting the hang of everything. Maybe not the most amazing one ever, but getting there. Like tonight, on a Wednesday, I made over $100! Unbelievable! Love it!

Alrighty, I'm out. Hopefully I'll be able to write much more in the upcoming months!

Bye friends!
Amy

The O.C./Motivation/Love

~*~ First and foremost... I was writing the best blog I've written for quite some time, and then somehow I hit a button that made it all erase. Today is a horribly sad day~*~

Let's try this again.

Ok. So I love the O.C. I'm admitting it right here and now. It's lame. It's full of more drama than the drama found on Jerry Springer. Yet still I'm not drawn to it. While I've never witnessed more nonsense in my life, I am drawn to it. Know why? It's a little thing called love. See, in television shows, people WATCH to make sure the couples that are supposed to end up together, well, do. Summer and Seth? cute! I mean we watch through the breakups and the turmoil that they go through, but the pay off is at the end. That's how it is in Grey's Anatomy. Friends ended the show with Ross and Rachel OBVIOUSLY becoming an item. And Loreali finally ends up with Luke at the end of Gilmore Girls... are we seeing a trend yet? It's amazing and astounding to watch these relationships. Really, we all know that I love love. I love watching love. I love witnessing love. I love the kind of love that isn't outwardly shown but you can feel in the the energized electric shock that is sent out in the air when the said couple looks at one another. I love being around it and being smothered by it (most of the time anyway. ha)

Now this is where some people would turn this happy-go-lucky story into a sob story. Why can't life be like that? Where's my handsome future husband, why can't I have love like that? And then of course you could go into the story of how you thought you had found 'the one' but it turns out that 'the one' was 'the one' for somebody else... or so he says. But that's not really the point of the blog today. Well, at least not fully. I was just merely mentioning the fact that I'm being deeply pulled into this horirbly addicting television show even though I know it leaves upturned battlewounds of past loves that definitely didn't turn out like Summer and Seth. But also, my dear friend Seward was talking with a few of us on Justin's pontoon about love. About how God can lead you to the person you are supposed to be with, your quote unquote "soulmate". My friend Amanda felt that there can be more than one while Seward didn't feel teh same. Maybe in the earthly realm, but not on God's playing field. And then it made me wonder. Who was right? If we are all lead to 'the one' by God, how did we know it was from God? Hell, if my God instincts were right, I'd be married by now! So how do you know? I'm not looking for 'a one' right now, or even the 'one right now'. It's just an interesting question.

And of course this whole love expose is wrapped up with a dream from me. I don't really remember all of it, nor do I want to since it made me furious until I realized that it wasn't real. It took me a while. Basically we were at someone's house and Justin of course said something mean and hurtful, as a joke, directed toward me. It musta been pretty mean because I left the house even though it was a raging blizzard outside. Think of it as : Hurricane Katrina meets Minnesota in January. That bad. So anyway, they went out and looked for me but I was sneaky and stealth-like so it was impossible. I ended up running into him and he apologized. Now what does this dream mean? Well really nothing. I have random dreams all the time. But between this, and our boat convo, and yes, the O.C. I think I'm nuts. Apparently I've been listening to the wrong "God message" sent oh so many years ago. At any rate, I think a bonfire is in order. Where my girls at? ha.

Enough love stuff. Let's turn to my almost-but-not-quite-motivation story of the day. I've been slacking on the novel lately. For one, I had no money to print the thing when it was done, two, finishing the last section is harder than I thought, and three, my computer has pretty much gone to computer heaven. Oh my little Rory is hanging in the balance, but the plug needs to be pulled somewhat soon. Her life support arrived (a.ka. external harddrive) and I know time is near. lol. Sorry, had to run with it. But at any rate I THOUGHT I had saved my latest version of my novel on one of my 3 USB ports.... but apparently not. A little stressful considering I could have wiped my computer clean and lost it, but now I have to make sure it's just lost between all my many backups. It's a pity really. But Honestly I want to have this thing printed out by the end of the weekend. It's 10 pages. I can do this. I don't even work Saturday. So, fingers crossed, hold our breaths, praise be to God: Let's get some motivation in the house!!!

And I'm done.

Love,Amy

Girls are funny too!

That was just a statement. I do think we, as women, are funny, even if guys like to differ. Maybe its' a different kind of funny, but all in all i'd say that we are funny. I laugh a lot. And I LOVE to laugh. If you don't laugh enough, hang out with me. i'll either be quite clever and whitty, or I'll be as blonde as hell and you'll laugh anyway. Either way, I'm a good time. Haha. That or my friends are just that awesome. I think both can be true.

I have no purpose to blog today. Just to ramble. But really that's what I do the best. At least i'm not AS stressed today. I feel really good today. I have enough money for rent, I made a really huge dent in my unpacking process, and I am slowly starting to feel like I live in my new place. heck, I even showered here! Woo! It's all baby steps, but it's coming together. It is sad to watch everyone go to school without me though. It was Bethel's first day and I wanna go too, but I must wait my turn. This semester will be filled with a lot of great things, this I know, I just need to make sure to stay positive so I do not miss it.

This evening I got to play "Bargo" (Bingo) at Applebees with Seward, Alyssa, and Kara. It was a lot of fun. And I won a $5 gift card! Go me!! That was actually really exciting. I can't wait to use it... hint hint. We all just had a really good time and laughed a lot. And cute boys were there. lol.

so my confession of the week is that I got very very very drunk this weekend. I told Seward and felt instantly guilty. As I should. I never meant to be like that. I never meant to disappoint. It just happened. I remember that I once said that everyone who rebels is like the people who get to eat cake, and I wanna eat too. Rebeliousness just never fit me very well. But I joined in, I "ate" my cake, and I've had my fill. To clarify, yes, I enjoyed myself and yes I'm glad I went out with some people, but I did something that I've been against my entire life. I'm not proud, I don't feel like I've made a step in the right direction, I feel like everyone else. And that is lame. But it's over with, It's in the past, and all I can do is learn from this experience. If you wanna know the details, lemme know. It's kinda embarassingly funny. It makes for a good story. Heh.

Alright, I'm out. It's time for me to either sleep or unpack. I'm okay with either.

Tonight's Prayer: I continually pray to become the child of God that I know I can be, I pray for birthdays (Laura Milliken's) and that my family and friends will continue to be blessed by the Almighty One. : )

amy

Wishing I was Born Again

Hey. This will be quick and to the point. Life is a stressball and I need to grow up and learn to handle it. It doesn't get easier and it certainly just doesn't go away. I know I've been hard to deal with this summer, but I just really don't know what to do with myself. I need to set myself on the right track and it needs to happen soon. hopefully this fall will be the perfect time to do so. Rent is cheaper and there are zero school expenses. If I can fix my credit, I can go back to school. And that's what I really need to do.

I also need to learn how to be a roommate to 5 other girls again. And how to take a house's worth of stuff and make it fit into half of a bedroom. It's overwhelming. I'm in panic mode and trying not to be crabby or ornery or any other negative thing, but all I really wanna do is go on a permanent run to no where and not deal with it. I don't even know how to have a roommate again. It's not to say that she won't be a nice girl, but I was notified 10 or so days before my move that I was ending up with a roommate inseated of my own room. It's hard to take in. I'm working on it. And yes, I know I will be okay, but I'm learning to cope and I don't need to be pleasant. My life is changing and I'm still on the last chapter of my life. I'll catch up soon. Promise. We all know i'm not good with change, why should this year be any different?

However, there are some ups in a crazy world. 1: rent is cheap 2: Justin, Jen, and Alyssa are home. 3: I have serving shifts 4: Zach and Kara are wonderful moveres 5: I have time to really work on my book 6: my roomie Megan is fantastic 7: I never have to go back to Wells Fargo! 8: Tim and I had a heart-to-heart on a night that I can barely remember and we like each other :) So yes, there are so many pluses in my life.

My nightly prayer: I pray that God will look over everyone as they start their year at school. I pray for widsom and knowledge to get my life straightened out, and I pray for patience as I deal with new people and new situations. I thank God for the life He has given me and I hope to become the child God wants me to be. Good night my dear friends.

Amy

I could just pee myself right now

In five hours or less (maybe a LITTLE bit more sneaking into the wee hours of August 1st) I will have officially finished my rough draft for my book that I've been writing for 6 YEARS! Oh my gosh. My heart is jumping around like crazy! I have goosebumps and my grin couldn't be any bigger. It's becoming a reality folks! And yes yes yes, there is soooo much work to be done, but still. I'm just that much closer to a finished product. It wasn't a step in the right direction, it was a giant leap. This is the hard part. The rest is just being nit picky and making sure to get everything right. I have faith in myself and in God that this will happen. I'd be a fool to stop now! Wish me luck world. Who knows, in a year I could be sitting behind a table somewhere promoting my book. Oh what a world this is. I'm in love with the life God gave me through the good times and the hard. It hasnt' been an easy road, but God has shown me grace, mercy, forgiveness, and strength and I honor Him for all of it. Praise be to the Almighty One!

Amy

P.S.- my friend told me the FUNNIEST story the other day. For background info: She works at Bethel in the kitchen over the summer and a group of Asian folks were visiting. It goes a little something like this.

Asian woman (with heavy accent) "Where ees da juth?"
Ann: (confused) "What ma'am?"
Asian woman: (even more intently) "Where ees da juth?"
Ann: (convinced that the woman wants to know the TRUTH) "You want me to tell you the Truth?"
Co-worker: (tapping ann quickly) "Juice ann! Juice! She wants some juice!"

And here we thought she was wanting Ann to witness to her! haha. Oh I love it. Night folks

This possibly could be the most possible explanation of life

Life. is. random.

Honestly, I can't believe how many things can happen in a day, a week, a month, a year. Just when we think we've got things under control and are holding tightly to our anchors, something happens and we are a kite blowing chaotically in the wind. People lose jobs, get promotions, move, travel, have really bad days, followed by monumentally great days. Books are finished, newspapers discarded after reading something violent, and accidents happen by the second, same with babies being born. Now I can't say many of these things have happened to me recently, but it's a simple observation of the world around me.

Like for instance, I'm broke broke broke broke! Every month I say I'll get things paid off and I'll be good to go, but that's harder to accomplish than I thought. Then I have things like my book almost being done to boost my esteem. I can't have more than 20 pages to write and then the first draft is done. It's hard to care about the small stuff when my dream of having a book is becoming vividly real in these few short weeks. When money feels like it will consume my life, I always get saved by someone, which is all orchestrated by my Father. I was scared of how to pay for life this week, and BAM I get my first serving shift. $50 on a Monday? I say yes!

Besides that, I've pretty much beaten my phone like an abusive husband, been hit by a pebble going 50 m.p.h (I have the crack to prove it) been clumsy with EVERYTHING I'm holding (parents, don't let me hold your babies! I warn you!) and have been attacked by yet another long, hairy, creepy-crawly centipede type thing. This one tried to fall on my head when I went to my bathroom last night. He is now currently under a hot pad. I smushed him with the hotpad but am too afraid to lift it up and get rid of him. I need a man.

Anna and John are moving in a few short weeks. Jen is returning to the great state of Minnesota, and Justin will be back to the great US of A in 11 days after Jen is back. Adam is already 1/4 done with his trip, and Laura is loving Colorado. I guess it's an accomplishment that I'm able to stay intact with my friends even when they leave. So it's okay that they go because I know we all still care about each other. But letting go of childhood is hard. Whoever says it's not is a fool and obviously didn't have my friends. :)

I know a few of my friends are going through some hard times and I pray for them. They make my tough times look like a joke. To each their own right?

I should go. Time to work out, work, meet up with a friend, and call it a day. hopefully I'll be able to post more and more as the weeks pass since I'll be moving to a house that actually has the internet. That'll be the day.

Hats of to those who can make it through the day,
Sister in Christ, Amy

Caribou closed too early for me to blog. So this one text will do. I'm wearing my green shoes and i'm content today. And last night's dinner went GREAT! :)

soontobealmostserver

Alright. So this posting from your cell phone thing is lame. Well it's probably cooler on a REAL messaging phone, but mine just made it all chopping. oh well. I like typing on my computer. Too bad you can't write out blogs and then mail them in to be put up! Haha. Then that'd be very cool but would completely and utterly defeat the purpose of updating daily and blogging in general. I'll just stick to this. right here. :)

SO I started serving on Thursday! It was thrilling! I think it could be something I do for a long time. I really enjoyed and and I'm glad that I wasn't horrible at it. For a while I just followed my trainer around and then I just started taking my own tables. And I didn't screw up or anything! But I also think that it's glorified cashiering. As cashiers at BWW's you greet the person, take their order at the counter, have them pay, and most likely run it to their table. The only differences with serving is that we keep checking up with them and we meet them at the table instead of the counter. So I hope my other training shifts go just as well as that one did! YAY! I train again next Thursday and then I only need two more shifts and then I'm on my own! I can see how it will be scary once I'm on my own and getting big parties, but hopefully it'll all turn out okay. Wish me luck everyone!

I'd stick around longer but I am in desperate need of grocery shopping! eek! Love you guys! Happy last week of June!

Amy

a ha. Chow. :)

ever entertained. Ha. Of course these text blog things will never replace real writing because these can only be so long. So i shall write a real post. H

I'm testing out this whole blog from your cell phone thing! So hello world! This is me on my phone at some place in the world. If this works, i'll be for

Mini Golf and Sunshine

I loved yesterday. It was truly a great day. And surprisingly it was Kara's birthday and nobody got angry! The sun was full, the clouds were missing, the sand was hot, and the food was excellent. And oh yah, don't forget about the mini golf! We spent a few hours at the beach playing frisbee and sunning ourselves. We then went to Little Caesar's pizza and basically tailgated in the parking lot. IT was so funny. I felt like a hick, but it was just too perfect. Then we went mini-golfing at the Como Park Zoo. I am SO bad at at it. I care enough to almost try, and then I never line anything up or take time to think about how hard I'm hitting it. As Justin would say, you need to use finesse. Blah blah blah. it's just fun to get it around the loop-de-loop, make it jump the river, and wind it's way between the rocks. Plus it's a cheap thing to do and that makes everyone happy! Five bucks? heck ya! See! I'm a cheap date! haha. After that we decided to grill burgers at Kara's parent's house and then watched the movie Taken. Did I get a little burnt? yes! was it hot? It was smauldering. Was I happy to not be working? More than ever! And that's what it's all about. I don't care if it's raining, storming, blazing heatwave, or lukewarm, I just need the freedom every now and then. Honestly. That one day just gives me a breather and I can resume my daily schedule again. Even though I did enter work today and it basically moved like a Saturday at the Wayzata Wells Fargo. That means that it was painstakingly slow. I hate that. I know I'm only there from 8-3, but it's hard.

Anyway, I looked up the word of the day, and apparently it is : Cavalcade. Have fun witht that one. Later!

amy

Minutes

I have minutes to spare today. It's work, rest, eat, work. In that order... I don't mind though. Money is tight and I have the WHOLE day off tomorrow! :) Exciting times. It is of course my friend Kara's golden birthday, so it seems only right to spend the day with her. I believe we'll be beaching it up, followed by some good ole fashion mini golf and some lunch in there as well. But that's not the point of this blog today. The point is, we all must use our minutes wisely. I mean think about it. We spend hours sleep (six hours is 360 minutes) and then 480 minutes working, or more for those who have two jobs like me! Then somehow we waste almost 120 minutes online, looking up this on facebook and that thing in our e-mail, and then watch 10 5 minute clips on youtube. If you think that there are only 1440 minutes in a day, and after all those things listed are completed, we are have a mere 480 minutes left in our day! And if you throw in an episode of Lost/One Tree Hill/ Grey's anatomy/ and Gilmore Girls, then bam! You pretty much leave enough time to get ready for bed, work out and shower! Funny how fast our life disappears before us! And then when we head to bed at night we wonder where on earth our day went! Crazy huh? Just think about what we COULD be doing with our lives! :) Alright kiddos... off to work I go. Ha. Hope the next 360 minutes of my life are good!

Amy

Vanilla Lattes and Internet

Small pleasures in life. Coffee is a pleasure that has come over time. Acquired taste as you will. That's what most people would say. The first sip is always a bitter one. It bites at your taste buds and scolds the roof of your mouth. You are too young to know better. From there you either become accustomed to the bitter taste, which of course becomes the cheaper route, or you realize the world of possibilities the coffee industry give you. They market to everyone. Love chocolate? Well help yourself to a mocha,white chocolate mocha, or whatever special they have on the menu. A caramel fan? Don't worry, you're marketed to too! You have the caramel cooler and the caramel latte. On a health kick? They have lite drinks too! And of course steamed milk, hot chocolate and other randoms for the little ones. It's a perfect place to get caffeinated and spend time at! Hell, I've been here for well over an hour, using their internet, sipping my vanilla latte and doing all the things I haven't been able to do all weekend! The internet has left my home (yes, the internet that was being "provided" to me by my loving neighbors). So now I sit here in this wonderfully comfortable atmosphere. It's rainy and cloudy and it's Sunday. It's also Father's day and I do feel bad that I am not with my dad. But Holly already stopped by and gave him a gift from the both of us (and it will officially be half from me once I actually pay her. lol) But I'm sure he knows I care. I called him. For about 1 minute. He's never been a phone person. So for him, that's awesome.

Anyway, I apologize for not keeping my word on this whole "once a day" thing I was trying to do. The internet did not allow me to do what I intended to do. But here I am, at the beginning of a new week, trying my best to keep my word! :)

Alright, my thoughts are over! Have a happy first day of Summer guys!

Amy

Lighting Storm

So I've realized that i'm really slacking this year on the whole "journaling" thing. or Blogging thing. Whatever this may be, I'm slacking on it immensely. It's unfortunate. As a writer I feel like I should be writing something everyday! Maybe several things every day. It shouldn't be hard. But here I am, twiddling my thumbs, doing other random things. Oh well. SO what is the solution to this ever continuing problem? Quick thoughts. I'm going to try to write everyday on just one topic. And of course if something interesting happens I'll write about tha too, but I just really want to get into the practice of writing again. So here it goes, ready or not. The topic today is ThUnDeRsToRmS.


I love love love love thunderstorms. They soothe me whereas they freak many people out. That's hard to understand for me. Yes, they can be loud, and yes the lightening can strike things, but my GOD they are a beautiful creation from our Father. Like tonight we have a mere lightening storm. It's beautiful and it's simply jumping from one cloud to another. How can you not love it? How can you not see the beauty in it? It lights up the ENTIRE night sky in a single instant. Besides the sun and moon which are consistant, what else can do that? Nothing! And even if there was, it wouldn't be anything like lightening. I just tried to take pictures with my Nikon outside, but there were too many streetlights so the photos weren't turning out. I was hoping to get a good one before the Nikon had to be shipped off to it's new home in Florida. Sigh. Oh well. Such is life. All I'm saying is give thunderstorms a chance. Don't let fear overwhelm you. It's not worth it.

Night
Amy

Control, control, control

Is control a virtue? I don't think so. But I feel like I need it. There is this overwhelming need for control because I may be losing it. Heh. I'm walking a very fine line, I'm tip-toeing with disaster, and I'm sure I could come up with a million more cliche statements, but I'll stop there. The point is, I'm letting my mind get the best of me, and I hope I can get some control and stop it. But this dangerous part, this part where I'm not sure what is going on... I kinda like it.

Oh I know, my blogs are always so cryptic. There's a purpose to that of course. While I like to write what's on my mind and what's going on with me, it's not always that easy. First off there's the ridicule, then the disbelief, then the waves of people trying to give you an opinion. And I guess my blog isn't about the opinions you can give me, but to be the bystander in all of this. Obviously I always enjoy comments, but about deep issues? Sometimes not. Sometimes it's just things that I need to do, or that God needs to do. God's answers are the only answers anyway. Plus, I'd rather have him show me i'm crazy or on the wrong path than anyone else. People attack each other when something they are uncomfortable with is being done by someone else.

I have ideas about my life. I have beliefs that God has shown me things, and maybe not like a specific thing, but the point is, I don't think I'm on the wrong track. I am confident that God knows my heart and knows me. Sorry... i'll stop being so elusive. It's kinda annoying isn't it? haah. At any rate, I feel like I'm doing my life right (well.... as right as a Christian can do it) and that I have to have control and patience for things. We'll see what my life holds in the next few weeks. Pray for me guys.

P.S.- I got money back from my interim trip. almost $700!! Praise God. How awesome. I needed that, I so so so needed that.

<3>

HoMeWoRk NeVeR KnEw ThE NaMe oF SleEp EiThEr...

Sure, I should be doing my homework. I should be diligently working on that take-home test that's due tomorrow and figuring out my final project for Media Law, Photojournalism, and Topics in Journalism. I should want to get ahead in my classes and make sure this semester goes well. But it doesn't matter. Not today, not tomorrow, and for sure not this evening. What matters are people the ones you love most, and I can't seem to get that out of my head. A friend asked me today how I deal with never putting myself first and getting hurt by the people around me. I guess I never think about it. As Grey's Anatomy said, "It's better to have people than to have nobody" and I agree with that. I'd rather cry every day and brighten someone's day then be happy. Sounds weird I know, but I just figure... life is hell. There's death and decay and brokenness and stress and financial issues, bickering parents, fighting, homework, and everything in between....don't we all need a little help sometimes? I know I feel that way sometimes, what about everyone else? I don't think God would have a problem with that other. Just because we are sinners and not meant for God's love, doesn't mean we shouldn't love each other. Just cuz we aren't accountable people doesn't mean we can't at least attempt to be the people God wants us to be... it actually means we should try to defy our sinful natures. And more than anything, I want to be what God wants me to be. He shows me so much mercy and kindness that I can't even begin to believe why he does so. I have so much doubt in myself that I can't even grasp His love. Maybe that's why I show so much to others. God's love seems untouchable and unreal that I try to show it to others physically. Is that possible? I don't know, I wish I knew, but like I said today, God won't call your cell phone... it doesn't work that way.

And I guess when it comes down to it, God's the question that's on my mind. How come I never notice His love, why do I doubt myself so much, why is it that God can speak to you and you don't believe it, or you think God speaks to you, but you are ridiculed? I know it's not easy, but can't there be some moments that help you know you are doing something right in all the wrongness? Why do I feel like He's said things to me, but feel so unsure about them? How can you not? I have something stuck with me, and I think it'll be there for quite some time. But what if it wasn't from God? what if it was my own desires? And what if it was from God but I interperated it the wrong way? I don't know what to think about stuff like that. Should I? Does anyone? Let's ponder God for a while. See what He has to say... if anything.

.... But maybe... that's the point. He shouldn't have to say anything.


Amy

~*All of my light is for you.... to bad everyone is always leaving*~

I knew this girl once. She was a quirky little thing that loved life and loved the world. Who wouldn't? I mean.... she had her very own car, a loving boyfriend, friends upon friends that loved her dearly and an artistic way of expressing herself. But not all things last. This is what the girl learned. She learned it painfully slow and tried to grasp the wall that was slowly dissolving beneath her palms. But even the will and the hope die out. There was only so much that this girl could do. This fast paced life would continue to launch her forward into the unknown, without thought or reason. And God, God of all things, knew that He had a plan for her, but His way was never really her way. This girl had to give in to Him because that was the only option. So while her life was crumbling away and blowing into the wind, leaving only small little fragments of herself to remember, God watched. Sometimes she felt alone and felt that she was suffocating from all this change. Change is everything. Change is something that must happen to everyone, and it isn't always good, and it isn't always easy, but it's there, chomping at the bit to take over. So while the boyfriend left, and then came back different, and left again, and the friends got married and moved, and the others followed Him and so forth, this girl waited behind. It was what she thought she was supposed to do. Someone had to welcome them back when they did decide to come home. But where is home these days? The girl waited and waited, yet nobody came home. In fact, not only did they not come home, but more and more decided to leave and pursue a new life. What is the girl to do? Keep fighting the change? keep waiting for them to return? Or go...

This is me. This is my life. I am that girl. I'm not the only girl, but I am that girl. I'm feeling the pull of reality and it's not a happy one. Well, it could be, but I have to be willing to let go. I don't know if I am. I don't know if I'm ready. I don't know. But.... things have got to change if I want any chance to be happy. But when? When do you just stop everything, put the brakes on, and say I'm ready? Now? In the fall when it becomes painfully obvious that my future may not be school? Or later when I graduate and really follow that inkling to go to Seattle for Grad school? Or when I just decide to leave because I've got nothing left for me here? It's too much to think about! I'm ready to be 16 again.

As I sit here, I know my life is not sad and it's not pathetic, and I certainly have not had that rough of a life. But it's still hard. And I know God is there, and I know all the answers that I'll be given to thoughts like this. I get it! No need for further explanation, it's TMI anyway. It's easy for people to leave. but not people like me. We put our life into these people that make your life. They become you're potted plant that you've grown to love and nurture. These people are my family. What's so wrong with that? God, what's wrong with that? I know this is how life goes, but I'll take the break.

Okay, that's that. That's everything off my chest. I've made plans though. I have plans, my backup plans if the people dont' come back. I don't want to have to use them, but there there. I'm already planning to run a 5K in May. My book is on it's way to being finished before the school year is out, and I'm looking into internships, as well as grad schools. This summer will not be my demise. It'll hurt, but if this is life, then I'm strapping down for the ride.

But then the girl must wonder.... what will happen if she leaves?

~*~*~*~*~*~

On a side note, I went on a roadtrip this spring break, and it was good. Not relaxing like I'd had hoped, but it was good to spend time with people that I love. Especially Justin since he's leaving in a few short months. Adios dear friends of mine. Adios.

You've got a way with me

I know. I do this all the time. I'm sorry. I guess the last few weeks of life have stopped me from writing. I mean... it was my last few days in Hawaii and then readjusting is hard. Too hard. And you feel so swarmed with everything that you can't possibly find time for you. I think that's been the hardest part. I don't have those feelings that most people feel when they leave for a while, but I guess that's more of a long term thing... not a month of being away. But what I mean is that in Hawaii I was able to read my Bible every night, journal daily on the beach, listen to sermons, and feel completely content with life. While I'm home.... it's not the same. Why was I a better person there? Or was it because I gave myself time to devote myself to God? Now that I think of it... maybe it was what I needed. God was showing what I could be doing with my life, instead of spending it doing a million other things. I still went to class, I still did homework, and I still hung out with people. But I took the time to care. And that glimpse of life was amazing. That is what I miss most of Hawaii. And of course the surfing, tanning, walking around, hiking, laying on the beach, and sunshine. Those are a given though... ha.

That was really the rest of my trip. It was warm and happy. I met a lot of awesome people. I feel that we could be pretty good friends, especially my room mate. And Anne. Oh she is fantastic. It's hard though. I love all my friends here, and to transition into life again with NEW friends, it's like... how do you keep them all? And how do you adjust to life after being away and knowing what life could be like? I dunno. It's all such a mess I guess. Does this make sense? I can't tell. I think I'm writing too fast for my brain to really process what i'm saying! So I guess I'll move on!

Since I've been home, I've started school again. I'm taking Topics in Journalism, Photojournalism, Media Law, and Sleep, sabbath, and surrender. All wonderful classes. I really appreciate everything I'm taking. Topics in Journalism is basically a guy from the Strib who takes us to plays and we write reviews. Photojournalism is amazing because I needed to buy a digital SLR camera for that class and so now I have an amazing camera!! It's so wonderful! I need to play with it more though. I will once I get organized! I'm seriously so disorganized with life and I find myself unwilling to do my homework. So I think my new goal for next week is to do my homework, and mean it. lol. Productive Amy steps into the scene... and yah. So classes are good. Life is good. I get to see the Romeo and Juliet play at the Children's theater again. I went last weekend for class and now I'm bringing Justin and Jen. I'm really excited... I hope they like it!

Speaking of Justin, he's been a super good friend and I appreciate him for that. He spent a few nights at my place while Jen was away and that made me feel better.... I hate being alone and I get scared at night! And now Alyssa, Justin, and someone else are going on a roatrip over spring break. That should be really fun. We are heading to the east coast. Cleveland, Boston, D.C., and NYC. It should be good. We'll be really busy, but it'll be wonderful. :)

Let's see... card night is still going on, JAZ night is always a good night even though Zach has had broomball and I've been working late. Bleah.

Another thing that has been crossing my mind is that everyone is married/engaged/pregnant (and not in that order). It's been a double edge sword for me unfortunately. Which is also so unlike me too! On one side, I'm really excited for people who are getting married (sarah, sam, Laura) it's exciting to find those people that you can spend the rest of your life with. And of course my newly engaged friend Seward (whom I will never be able to stop calling her that) is fresh into the world of weddings, dresses, rings, and drama. It'll be interesting for her, but at least she has some time to plan it. And then there is Holly and Anna who are the preggo ones. Little lives being brought into this world. oh man. How intense. All these things are wonderful and created by God and are good and everything, and yet I can't help but have this sadness in me. I wanted to marry young. I found the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life went. I knew I didn't want anything else. It was so simple and easy, and I was content. I'm not gonna lie. I'd be lying if I said otherwise. And obviously God has other plans for me. I know I know. I hear it enough. And I know it to be true. Doesn't make this process less hard. Doesn't make it easier to know that you wont' be one of the first people married like most people thought. And that's fine. i guess i'm in no rush. Living the single life doesn't seem soo bad right now. but you always have to just wonder ....

Besides that, a lot of people are leaving this summer, and it's going to be really hard for me. (again selfish I know... I can't help it.) It started with Laura moving to Nebraska oh so many years ago. Then Adam and Josh. Adam is finally on his trip on the Dulos for two years, and Josh started going to a music school in Cleveland (thus Cleveland on the roadtrip). Alyssa might be getting an internship in Alaska for the summer, and Jen is site director for Youth Works somewhere. Meaning I have to find a roommate for the summer (yikes... anyone interested?? please??) And now Justin is leaving. He's decided to head back to Germany and go to an imersion school. Oye... my life. Always changing. I guess that's the story of life. Sigh.

No worries though. I'm happy. I love my life, and my apartment. And I miss Ali. And I miss Bill and Rozie, and Cassie Thompson, and people that I've left behind. I don't know why I miss them all of a sudden, but I do. So tonight, I dedicate this to them.... :)

<3>

This little house of a place

My trip is coming to an end and I can't decide where I lie with my feelings. I guess it's easy to have hundreds of emotions all at the same time, even if they seem like complete opposites. Like right now I am at ease about coming home, yet deeply saddened, and ecstatic, and nervous, and contemplative. What will Mn hold for me and what has changed?? And I don't mean like I'll come back and everyone is either A) Dating B) Married C) Engaged or D) Preggo. While SOME of that is true (hee hee) I just feel weird about coming home. Maybe it's a normal feeling; I wouldn't know, I've never been gone this long.

I'm saddened and nervous and contemplative because I really do love Hawaii. Not just the tourist stuff but everything. Ya know? Like I love the warmth. I like the beaches, I don't mind the bus system (even when it does take FOREVER) I don't mind walking everywhere when we miss the bus, I love it really. And I like getting to know people. Of course it's always a hard thing to do because I feel so unsure of myself in making new friends. Weird right? I should be the easiest person to make friends with! I love meeting people. But maybe that's just at the surface level. maybe I'm scared to let people really know me deep down. but I'm obviously getting a LOT of practice here. I think there are five people here that I have really been excited to get to know. One being Laura, then Jamie, Christie, and Ann. Oh and Stephen. And Steve... and Dan... and man the list can keep going. They are all SOO different than you guys back home. Which has made it difficult and easy all at the same time. How weird! Like... Laura, Jamie, and Christie remind me of the good high school years when I actually hung out with Delano people. And I don't mind it. It's weird cuz I almost feel torn to be myself or go back to who I was. Which one was better? I will never know. But I'm happy God has brought me here and made me take this step. It's been an interseting (and EXPENSIVE) trip. But it's worked out!

And now of course the reasons I'm excited. Who wouldn't be! I mean like I was saying the other day, I'd rather freeze and be with all my friends than be anywhere without them. I know Seward always tells me that we all need to get out of our little bubble of friends and experience other things, and while I agree with that, I love that I can come home to my wonderful friends. Yes they get mad, frustrated, jealous, etc. just like any friend would, but at the end of the day i know that they care for me and I care right back at them. :) And I miss my sister. and my mother. Who knew!! Jk. Seriously though, being gone for this long makes me wonder how I could ever move out of the tri-state area! LIke what if I do decide to go to Seattle Pacific?? how will I deal? I dunno, I guess that's where God comes in and I stop thinking about it. If that's where I'm supposed to go, God will comfort me and help me through it. But ahh!! 6 more days and I see all my wonderful people!!!! Life is good.

I think that's it. Yep. I'm done for now. I can't wait for my return into normal life! Oh how wonderful!

<3>

I wish I may

Do you ever find that you wish for things? All the time? And after you've gotten what you wished for, you tend to wish for something else? Is life just one big wish? And if by wishing are we wasting time like when we just want to get past those classes and just want summer to happen or just want friday to come? Are we wasting our lives by sitting waiting and wishing? Oh Jack Johnson, he's oh so wise. lol.

I just was walking home with my Hawaii peeps and was thinking about how I wish too much. Does wishing get me anywhere? And does wishing mean I'm asking God or am I just tempting the fates that I don't believe in? I guess I just thought that I wish for things and hope that they'll happen but i know it won't truly make me happy. Sometimes I wish for contentment. And then I feel like I get it. But then something takes it away.

Maybe what really spurred this on is my progression in my faith on this trip. Like I've been wanting to read the Bible and wanting to listen to sermons, but now I feel more attacked than ever. Things cross my mind like "do these people really like me on the trip?" or "am I really the fattest person on this trip?" or "do people really like me or do they like me cuz i'm nice?". Those are all the most ridiculous questions ever and they are there. It drives me nuts. And then someone will say something nice about me or I'll feel pretty and happy and then I get taken down a notch or two. Why can't I just learn about the Bible, feel pretty, and NOT get taken down by whatever is taking me down whether it be my own head or satan? Does this make sense? I guess it doesn't really have to. It's just my blog. I guess I wish (haha) that there could be an easy way. but who doesn't wish for that??

Sun/color/beach/water/everything I'd want in the month of January!

What a crazy whirlwind Hawaii has been! I've been so busy so I haven't been writing! But at the same time I don't want to share ALL my stories right away cuz then I won't have things to share when I get back! and that's never fun. :) But I will update a little bit because it's fun and it's of course what I do! Seriously..... I've been journaling SO MUCH on this trip! Between blogging, school journal, personal daily journal, and the journal I've been keeping for my Bible readings, I've journaled at least 20 pages. It's ridiculous. But I love that I have the time to do so. It's so rare in my life that i'm really excited that I get this opportunity. Especially since I get to spend time with God. I think that's the biggest thing. I really wanted to grow in my faith, and this is actually turning out to be the best place to do it. And I even listen to a bunch of sermons on the beach or when i'm on the bus! I've finished 2 1/2 already! Go Mark Driscoll, you're my favorite!!

Sorry... that had nothing to do with the trip all that much. I guess I'll sum up and say that I've been hiking, to several beaches, snorkeled, and surfed. It's been pretty crazy. We've also been to Chinatown and a Hawaiian Church for class. And on Wednesday we get to go to the Polynesian Culture Center and that ends with a luao!! I'm really excited! It'll be fun. And then we already have our long weekend and then we have a speaker next week and Obama's inauguration and Pearl Harbor and then Olivia comes and then we're home already! AHH!!! Soo busy! And of course my freaking special ed class stuff. UGAHGAOIERAWOFI!!!!!!!! The class drives me insane! I think I'm becoming a racist by being in the class. Okay.... so I'm dramatic. Just kidding. But seriously, you would go crazy too! Unless.... well.... unless you are wonderful like some people and can put up with stupidity and whiny people who need to just.... ah. okay. I'm done with that. No negativity here!!

What else?? I finally got color THE OTHER DAY! I've been laying out like a mofo and haven't recieved the slightest bit of proof that I've actually been in Hawaii until now. But we were thinking (like our group of girls here) that maybe we are tanning so gradually that we couldn't tell on ourselves. We'll def. be able to tell when we come home! YAY! And hopefully I'll be a tad skinnier (a girl can dream right). I think I could because we are so super active here and the days we aren't active, I go running with my friend Ann. (I realized we had J-term together last semester too! How crazy!) But yes, i'll be a skinny tan girl. mmmm.... I'm likin the sounds of that!

I guess that's it for now! I don't want to share more. I'm keeping my stories to myself. Yah... i'm selfish like that.

Just remember that I miss you all like crazy because apparently I'm bad at having mini "goodbyes". Yikes. I'm growing though. No worries. :) Love you

Amy

Aloah, Ala Moana, Mahalo

Look! I learn Hawaiian words!! i'm fantastic!!

Yes! I am in Hawaii! It's exciting and new and... i'm exhausted! The last two days have definitely been interesting. I might as well tell my travel story because it seems that I've already started telling lots of people. Basically we got the MSP airport at 9AM to find out that the flight had been cancelled due to some mechanical issues. So they had to find all 24 of us new flights!! Some ended up on a flight directly to Hawaii, while others were sent to Seattle and LA (the LAers spent the night there!) I was the one that got sent to Vegas, LA, THEN Hawaii. So we waited around the airport until 2:30 and then got to Vegas by like 5 or 6 something... can't really remember. But it was good being there again because I really never thought I'd see Vegas in my life again! but there I was! And it made me think of Zach, Justin, and Kara and I even got to see the strip from the sky! it was exciting (and dont' worry... i took pictures!)
Then our flight from Las Vegas to LA was ridiculous.... the drink cart had just gotten to us, aisle 15, and we started to land! I think we were only in the air for a good 25 minutes. It was a joke of a flight. So we rushed to our terminal in LA to find out that our flight wasn't leaving at 7:55..... it was leaving at 11:15 due to more mechanical issues!!!! Everyone was really stressed out by all of this and I started to get a migraine. I was not a happy camper. Bethel paid for our dinner, and I tried to sleep on the floor in the airport, but nothing helped. Finally I just threw up twice and called it a day. I couldn't keep ANYTHING down. Stupid headache.
Once we boarded the airplane things went better for me. I pretty much conked out for most of the night. I watched half of one more, and blinked my eyes open a few times to see the other, and that was it. I was just exhausted and I needed tat headache to end! Luckily it did by the time we reached Hawaii!

So after all that madness, we ended in this wonderful place and I'm so excited to spend like 24 days here!! It's going to be so great! We spent our first day here sleeping and then hanging out at the mall and beach. It was wonderful. It's very different than Minnesota. The mall is like half indoor and half outdoor, but nothing like Arbor Lakes.... it's weird really. And the weather wasn't humid or anything! it was most like a pure 80 degrees. It was great. And the ocean... oh the ocean..... I LOVE IT!!! :)

I did however shove my hand in my suitcase to unpack, but I apparently left my razor face up so I sliced my finger pretty bad. thank goodness for all my band-aids i brought!

Alright, I can't give my whole entire trip away. I just wanted to let everyone know that i'm here and loving it and I think it'll be some pretty outstanding weeks for all of us! Love you guys and miss you lots!!

Amy

~*Hawaii*~

Hello one and all!!! I know I've talked about Hawaii like a million gillion times, but I'm OFFICIALLY leaving tomorrow! I couldn't be more excited!!!! I'm a little nervous but things like this don't happen to me often so I'm taking it all in and trying my best not to be freaked out about leaving everyone I know behind. It's not like me! If I go somewhere, I ALWAYS bring people along with me! Haha. Or I'm going somewhere alone to someone. But anyway, I hope you all know I love you and will miss you and at least it's only 3 1/2 weeks! :)

I'm basically writing this message because I wanted to say that I won't be bringing my cell phone with me. Weird right? It's hard for me but I was sitting with Molly Taylor and there was an epiphany made. It basically was that I shouldn't have one foot in Hawaii and one in Minnesota. I should give Hawaii my full attention... and I can't do that with my cell phone. I want to meet new people and do new things, and not have my cell attached to me like it was my breathing device. So it won't be on. And I'm going to try to refrain from using my facebook and e-mail because I do not want to have it consume me while I'm gone. Plus if I'm talking to all of you on facebook, I won't have any fun stories for when I get back.

I know I'll be updating my blog, so that's a good way to keep updated with me. And I know I'll be updated photos frequently, so have no fear. And again, just e-mail me if your desperate but I know you'll all be ok with me gone. Most of us have gone this long apart from each other.... school does that to you.

Have a wonderful January friends! I'll be back on the 28th!!! Make good choices!!!! :)

<3>

The New Year

Another year. It seems like just another year. Especially since I had to work (first time in five years) and I didn't get to go play broomball with my wonderful friends. But I got over it. I'm the newbie at BWW so I can't expect to get everyday I want off. So I made do. I just spent the night at Kara's house and that's okay. But what I'm excited about is the fact that 2008 is over and I might possible get to start all over and have a wonderful year. This year I am not going to randomly date two guys. This year I am not going to have a stressful crappy filled summer (although some of it was amazing!!) This year will just be wonderful. Hopefully. I know I'm such an optimistic person and I know that just because it's a new year doesn't mean that it will be a perfect year. It's okay. Nothing is ever perfect. But there is always the possibility that it could be! And I think anything will be better than last year! lol.

I'm also sorry that I have not written!! It's been a crazy couple of months. After thanksgiving I went to see Ali for her birthday in Milwaukee. It was good. It's a different lifestyle that I'm not used to though. I don't go out to bars. I don't party. I don't drink a lot. But it's always good cuz I love to see Ali and what the heck, it's a birthday and I never say no to birthdays! Plus she gave me a night all to myself and we went to this sweet restaurant that I wont' even explain because I want to bring someone and surprise them! let's just say it involves spies and it's sweet.

Then of course I had finals. AHH!! finals were sooo stressful! i ended up staying up for 37 hours writing my final research thesis paper! talk about hardcore. It wasn't like I wasn't doing the work, it's just that the research took way longer than expected and I had to write about 18 pages in 2 days. It was just busy. And then of course I got sick from working on my paper and working like quadruple shifts. It was super bad. But now I am healthy and ready for Hawaii!!

Speaking of Hawaii.... I leave in like 3 days!!!! That's so wonderful! And I know it'll be wonderful even though I don't know anybody. It's going to be good. And plus, look at me! I'm all grown up! I'm going to be leaving my friends for 3 1/2 WEEKS!!! That's amazing for me. I don't leave my bubble cuz I'm always scared that they won't miss me and it'll all be different when I get back. But I know I'm crazy and so it's good that I'm going. And I'm sooo busy until I leave with dinners, and friends, and happy stuff! Couldn't be better than this!!!

I'll have to write more later cuz I have to go to work. LAME. Bye!

<3>